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SN children

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Original poster

Will a second child ever be possible?

24 replies

monkey2010 · 19/12/2011 15:51

My DS is nearly 2, has suspected ASD and is really hard work. I've had two periods of depression, one after his very traumatic birth and the second more recently. When I start to feel a bit better I start yearning for another child, especially to have some of the experiences I didn't have with DS (he was in hospital first 3 months)..still doesn't like cuddles... My main worry about having a second child is how will i possibly cope as DS is sooo demanding and we're already restricted in where we take him. But I also want another child so much!

Has anyone been through something similar and survived?

OP posts:

IndigoBell · 19/12/2011 16:00

And will you be able to cope if your 2nd child also has ASD? :(

HolyCalamityJane · 19/12/2011 16:25

My DD is now 5. She has been a right handful to say the least ADHD, DCD, delayed milestones. We had the terrible 2's, 3's and 4's. I swore that I would never ever ever have another child as it had been the worst time of my life. Then without going into too much detail I mistakenly became pregnant and was horrified I could see no joy in having another baby and assumed it would be pretty horrendous and send me spiralling back into depression. DS is now 10months old and is the best thing that has happenned to our family. DD is so loving and caring towards him and I am enjoying being a mummy this time round it does help that so far he has been an angel baby unlike his big sister was at his age.

Ithought my life was over when I discovered I was pregnant but I am so so glad we had DS. By it happenning "by mistake" it took away the decision making progress otherwise this would never have been an option.

ArthurPewty · 19/12/2011 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnTheBen10DaysofChristmas · 19/12/2011 17:33

I decided not to give DS a sibling. A decision made due to financial reasons (nursery too expensive and need to work FT to pay debts/mortgage) and because the first 5 years of his life were such hard work I couldn't consider it :(

I'm still sad that I have had to make that decision.

ommmward · 19/12/2011 18:10

Another here who has found a second child after a longish gap an unrequited blessing, for all of us.

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 19/12/2011 18:13

DS3 was conceived before DS2 was diagnosed with ASD (and I was still in denial) but despite constant worry that DS3 may be on the spectrum (jury still out on that one, but if he is it's very HF) he was the best thing to happen to DS2. He's a constant playmate when school friends haven't really been forthcoming, giving DS2 a chance at a normal relationship. Not that they don't argue...

Chundle · 19/12/2011 18:20

My dd2 was conceived before my dd1 was diagnosed with ADHD although obviosuly we still had the same problems prediagnosis with her. I second what Ellen says in that dd2 and dd1 enjoy each others company which is fab as dd2 dislikes other kids and dd1 annoys other kids. It's hard work but I don't know any different ifyswim

Becaroooodolf · 19/12/2011 18:20

5.3 year gap between mine.

Hard work but so so worth it

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 19/12/2011 18:24

We didn't have another child for a long time as DS was so diffcult, although at the time I had no idea what was behind it (we now know its asd). We didn't plan our second, but we're glad we had another.

Ineedchristmascake · 19/12/2011 18:36

I have big gaps between mine, Dd1 and 3 are on the spectrum and Dd1 was really hard work [still is actually].

Dd2 has no issues apart from being nocturnal.

Dd3 was a surprise and she has ASD. There is 14 years between 1 and 3.

Its not perfect but I have had lots of time with each of them.

Don't give up hope monkey your Ds is very little yet.

One draw back to big gaps is that I will be doing the school run for about 21 years by the time Dd3 goes to Secondary.

ommmward · 19/12/2011 19:50

worth saying also that the transition to two can be sheer bloody hell. I know several family with a spectrummy older child where things start to begin to feel like you might all survive and actually enjoy family life once the new child is about 18 months old.

(and actually there are lots of positive stages before that, but things certainly ease off IME once the smaller child gets interesting)

GoingForGoalWeight · 19/12/2011 20:05

Such a poitive thread. I'd like another baby. my Son is 13 now and i would be in my 50's when second child is a teenager. On my way to sorting out my issues and i will TTC.

Triggles · 19/12/2011 22:43

There are 3 years between our two youngest. DS2(5) has SNs, and DS3(2) is NT. (DS1 and DD are adults now)

We had already had DS3 when we were told that DS2 may have ASD, although to be fair, we suspected for quite some time that something was not quite right, but GPs wouldn't listen.

It's challenging, but do-able.

frizzcat · 20/12/2011 00:05

We had a big gap between ds and dd - ds7 and dd9mths. We had the gap not because ds was so difficult but because it was a shock to find myself pregnant with ds and i think it took me a while to get my head round things. I also suffered with post natal depression which wasn't diagnosed until ds was 2yrs. So I wanted to feel better in myself before we added another. We decided to try and I fell pregnant and then worried how my poor ds would cope- I shouldn't have worried, he is so protective of her. He doesn't always want to play with her but he loves making her laugh and she adores him - she can't wait to see him when we pick him up from school, so much so that the other parents gather to watch her as she smiles and squeals until he comes out. I found this time to be less stressful and having dd had actually strengthened the bond between ds and me - dd is a happy little thing, I'm more relaxed and all of this helps and makes ds happy. I would also say having dd has meant I have been more socially involved in the school and it's been helpful - because without knowing it I thought that all ds behaviour would be viewed as "abnormal" when in actual fact only some of it would and spending time with the nt parents has actually put things in perspective. Ultimately we make things work because we have to - the question is do you want to..... ?

lisad123 · 20/12/2011 00:32

I have nearly 5 years between my two, both have autism.
Dd2 was planned, and tbh we had always planned 3 children. However, because of the autism and the added risk of birth defects (such a horrible word) due to dh on going chemo, we have agreed to stick to 2.

I would say dd2 is a massive blessing and has taught dd1 alot

Spinkle · 20/12/2011 07:21

We purposely didn't have another child. I love my son entirely (he is 7 with ASD). But I cannot face rolling the dice again. I'm just not that brave.

nibsy · 20/12/2011 08:00

I got pregnant with DS2 before DS1 was diagnosed with ASD. Was a difficult time going through the diagnosis when pregnant and then DS1 was finally diagnosed when DS2 was only 4 months old. It was tough but I have survived so far.

DS2 is 10 months now and I'm so pleased we have him as he has helped me to get through this difficult year and he has helped DS1 to develop some basic understanding of emotions and DS1 will now talk to him which is lovely. He is a real blessing.

No idea whether DS2 also has ASD as too early to tell and I am pretty obsessive about checking for milestones etc. but I have really enjoyed having him and I am optimistic we'll cope whatever happens. We'll have to! Having a ABA home programme helps me to have some quality 1:1 time with DS2 while tutors are working with DS1.

Becaroooodolf · 20/12/2011 13:10

spinkle I can empathise...I felt the same way for a long time. All I can say is although its hard work ds2 has bought happiness and joy to all our lives, including ds1 x

jussi · 20/12/2011 13:28

DS was diagnosed at 3yrs old when DD was 6months old. Not a great maternity leave as spent the whole time researching and reading as much as possible.
DS is now nearly 5 and DD is 2 and they make me smile and laugh every single day with their hugs, games and fights.
Looking back, I'm not quite sure how I got through the early days as was trying to split my time between 1-1 with my son at the same time obviously having to tend to a newborn.
I have seen such huge improvements in my son that at this time when we are undergoing assessment for my daughter, who is proving demanding at the moment and not speaking at 25months, I am being philosophical about it all and at the end of the day they are who they are and yes they are hard work but I am so glad we had both of them and am just grateful for my beautiful family. (just read it through-sorry if it sounds too gushy but it is how I feel)!

lisad123 · 20/12/2011 13:33

Like right now they are laughing their heads off as playing on ds together

Original poster

monkey2010 · 20/12/2011 14:32

Wow - thanks for all your messages...lots to think about.

ASD symptoms in my DS are likely to be due to small amount of brain damage he suffered at birth but we defintiely can't rule out having another child with ASD.

It's great to hear about children with ASD having positive relationships with their siblings.

I think i have got a lot of my own stuff to still sort out and more accepting to do of my DS before I will TTC. I also had fertility issues so will have to go on fertility drugs so it will have to be very planned (unfortunately). But after reading this thread I do have a bit more hope that it's possible!

OP posts:

ArthurPewty · 20/12/2011 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cjn27b · 20/12/2011 21:28

DS who is 3.3 has 'traits of ASD' and I don't know where his ongoing paed assessment will end up. I got pregnant with DS2 when DS1 was 9 months old (18 month age gap) and no idea there was anything going on with DS1. It was mighty hard work at first as DS1 started being pretty full on for a while, but now we now what might be causing it, DS2 is nearing 2, and we're all getting more sleep things are good. They learn a lot together, occassionally laugh together, and interact.

sayjay · 20/12/2011 22:45

I felt that I would need to feel well rested before having another. I did and it was a short-lived fondly remembered phase
DS2 is such a joy, but a handful in different ways to DS1 aSD (I will not be surprised in the least if DS2 has ADHD). < ---not voiced that in rl to anyone
So glad they have each other - even if I'm policing all interactions!

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