Family and stress in general over the holidays

[Triggles]

We're going to MIL's to visit during the day on Christmas Eve Day, as DS1, DIL & DGS will be visiting for the day, and we tend to all meet at MIL's when they come up.

SIL caused a huge family fallout just before Christmas last year, blaming our adult DD for upsetting her daughter (our adult DN). DN says it didn't happen, she wasn't upset at our DD, and she and DD get along just fine, FB'ing back and forth and what have you. None of us really know quite what the hell SIL is on about, including DD. But SIL created a huge fuss, stating she was livid at us for backing our DD in this (again very ), and she went so far as to contact one of DD's friends on FB and send them a very nasty message about DD (ranting and rambling making no sense and calling her all sorts of names). This is someone SIL doesn't even KNOW, hasn't even met!! DD's friend was upset, DD was upset and horrified, and we were simply shocked and angry. SIL is in her 50's and a bit old for this type of behaviour (wouldn't you think?). Even MIL was horrified, as SIL denied it initially, until we showed MIL printed copies of some of the messages she sent to us (MIL being a very nice woman, thought perhaps we misunderstood the messages, bless her).

On Christmas Eve day, SIL is sure to be there. I haven't spoken to her since last year. She has slowly wheedled her way back into DH's good graces, without any type of apology for how dreadful she has been to both myself and DD (basically said she had never liked DD and didn't accept her as part of the family and told DH there was more to life than just me and our two younger boys ). She has actively been trying to cause problems between DD and our DS1, implying (and sometimes outright saying) that we favour DD. We do see her more frequently, but she lives just around the corner from us and DS1 lives 3 hours away. So obviously we don't see them as much, but we still ring DS1 & DIL and still keep up with them on FB and see them when we can.

Anyway, (sorry for the long ramble)... how am I supposed to deal with her? I can't refuse to go, because then we won't get the time to see DS1 & DIL & DGS, which is out of the question. Plus it would make things very uncomfortable for MIL, which I don't want to do either. But neither do I want to sit there and eat the shitty attitude she serves up with a smile. I've already warned DH if she makes ANY unnecessary comments or gives me the stupid line of drivel about how she's CERTAIN that DS2 will outgrow his ADHD/DCD/AS, etc etc and that I worry too much, followed by the snide comments she made previously about his behaviour, I may completely lose it and let her have it, regardless of who is there.....

sigh

Really feel for you triggles,

They don't call it silly season for nothing you know.

No advice sorry have my own dysfunctional mix bag to contend with.

It's just "bash head into wall" day for me today anyway. Should've known something would crop up regarding SIL as well. Always happens, doesn't it?

Ah, well. I cannot even think straight right now, am so irritated at DH, and just don't feel Christmassy at all, just depressed and off-balance. If he shouts one more time, I swear I'll roast his chestnuts....

If it's any consolation, i have a brother who i cannot bring myself to communicate with after he said some vile things. But i have a plus side. Firstly he lives in another country - so unlikely to bump into him, and secondly my DH is supportive - as is my DS1 (who witnessed the vileness) - so much so that DH reckons he will lamp him if he ever tries to come to the house.
Whoever invented the game 'Happy Families" - either didn't live in the real world, or has more than a casual acquaintance with class As

auntevil thank you. Honestly, I just don't get how everyone else in DH's family agrees with us that she is entirely out of order, but NOBODY will challenge her on it. Instead DD & I have to deal with the fallout, which I think is highly unfair. (yeh, I know life's not fair ). I can see DH slowly caving in, whereas before he was firmly with me on this. Whatever. I told him he could do what he wanted, but not to expect me to accept nasty behaviour from her.

Anyone else, even if DH & I were in the midst of a huge argument, DH would stand up for me regardless. But this is just beyond belief that she can treat anyone shitty and not have any consequences. She's already placed a huge strain on our relationship with DS1 & DIL, as she is constantly making comments about us favouring DD, which is just not true.

Between this nonsense and DH's depression and subsequent miserable and sometimes nasty attitude, it rather sucks all the joy out of Christmas, it really does.

All the weird family relationships in my family were on Dickhead's side. The (suspected) Aspie brother that DickH hadn't spoken to for 4 years, the FIL more like a distant Great Uncle that the kids havent seen since last Christmas, the SIL 25 years younger than her DH, etc. Of course DickH has made up with them all, because it was my fault he'd fallen out with them. Forgetting that I'd been trying to get him to talk to them for ages...

We've got family issues on both sides, but obviously mine are overseas, so don't impact us very much.

Massive row this morning. God, I'm tired of this. The counselling service said they'd ring him in Feb to set up counselling. I'm about ready to beat their door down and demand it. I don't know if we'll last that far.

I'm definitely getting bolshier in my old age. I'm of the opinion that life's too short for stupidity. Now i don't mean this in the forgive and forget way- just get on with it, smile and pretend everything is OK. I've done enough of that over the years, and the same people (person!) trample on my feelings again and again.
Now that i've grown some, I think, do you know what, you add nothing to me and my family's life. You've been a constant drain, tbh, we are all better off without you.
Triggles, its sad that your DH is not on side. You never know, 1 more incident this christmas might be enough to push him into doing something? Said more in hope, really.

Whereas we moved to the opposite side of the world......

Solves lots of problems :)

Triggles ............I would just go, smile sweetly and concentrate on the other members of the family and the kids. Kids can take up your time and easy to engross yourself in.

IF someone opens there cakehole..................just go home. Which is exactly what I did last year. Mangaged to last through the usual hellos and lunch and then it happened. I just purely said right! enough came to visit family and not listen to oppinions, thanks for lunch kids are getting tired now. I didnt make it such a big deal as it wasnt the others fault. Said polite goodbyes and kisses all round and then we went. Never contacted the person again.

You dont have to get wound up over it. Just give them the chance then once you have and they cock up then you have the right to cancel them out.

Dont let it ruin your christmas x

auntevil - I spoke to DH this morning (after a massive row) and very carefully explained how her actions made me feel. He actually agreed that SIL was wrong, and has spoken to MIL to make sure that SIL will not be there while we are there. So feeling slightly better because he agreed with me, and because he spoke to MIL and because SIL will not be there.

Big relief. DH has been on a learning curve today after the horrendous row we had this morning. Whenever he started getting shouty or nasty, I stopped him cold and said "that's not acceptable behaviour." He seemed a bit taken aback by it, tbh. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Good for you Triggles

Now I've just got to get through taking both boys in to see Father Christmas tomorrow!! Eeeeeeek!

Good luck with that!

Yes, I think I'm going to need it. 2yo who demands to walk, 5yo who is so wired this week that he'll refuse to walk. I have a friend who also has children the same age, I may ring her and see if she wants to go as well. Might as well have a festive day of mayhem, right? hahahhaa Then we'll end up taking the bus and riling EVERYONE up!

EllenJane you might want to avoid the high street - we may cause chaos!