How to prepare DS3 for the arrival of DC5?

[deemented]

DS3 will be 25 months when DC5 is born.

DS3 is curretly being assessed for ASD, and attends a SN nursery once a week.

I'm quite worried about how he will react when DC5 arrives. He can't cope well with any kind of change at all and is very much all for me, though he will go to manshape if need be. By that i mean, he screams and screams an it is only me that he will let calm him.

I plan to EBF dc5, an i'm not sure how to do that and juggle the demands of DS3. He doesn't sleep much at all, and he screams for most of the night and will not be calmed whatsoever unless it's by me - i recently had to spend a week in hospital with DD, and manshape said he screamed from 6pm to 8am every singe night, which i can well believe.

How do i prepare him for the inevitable changes that are to come when dc5 arrives?

Congratulations?

You're going to have 3 very small very needy children. It's not going to be easy.

Will you be able to cuddle DS when you're BFing your new baby? I think you'll have to.......

It depends on his level of comprehension. My DS2 at 25 mths would have had no clue about what was to come. He was 33mths when DS3 was born, (still had no clue!) and DickH had to take over lots of the night time waking duties. DS2 completely ignored DS3, would even try to climb over him to get to me. DS3 spent a lot of time in a travel cot to keep him safe, with a net over the top to protect him from toys etc being dropped on him. DS2 got very good at operating the video recorder!

I think your DS3 will just have to get used to your DH doing more with him. Just make sure you make time for him whenever you can. I don't envy you, but my DS2 did get used to it, despite being a real mummy's boy. Like all things this time will pass!

I took the decision to bottle feed DD so other people could do it and I could give time to DS. I didn't have 5 and they weren't close in age either. Maybe you should try bfing and see how it goes but be prepared to bottle feed or mix and match? Do you have any other help? When DD was born, some of my first words were that DS needed me more than she did as her needs were basic and could be met by others, it didn't have to be me although, of course, I did as much as I could with her. I tried to "prepare" DS by getting out baby/maternity books with lots of pictures and I carried round a Baby Annabel which freaked out DH but made little difference to DS. I now realise that it has never been possible to prepare him for events as he only understands once it happens.

can you bed-share with ds3 and dc5?

This could help you be there for them both.

DS3 could be in nursery 15 hours if you got him onto the two yr pilot scheme. Call the childrens' centre for availability.

I can't say it will be easy, you're doing the right thing looking for advice x

and of course the doll idea is perfect, get him a pram and a doll, and reguarily show him how to treat the small 'baby' x

Thank you all so much for your advice - it's much appreciated.

TBH the idea of bottle feeding has never occoured to me - i breastfed most of my lot and hadn't thought not to with this one. Maybe if i pump as well i could get manshape to do some of the nights whilst i'm with DS3?

And as for co-sleeping... tbh that's very much a no-no. I have back problems and take quite strong painkillers and the thought of having a newborn and DS3 in bed beside me fills me with dread - i don't think i'd sleep at all for worrying in case i rolled onto one or t'other.

himynameisfred - i'm not sure if sending DS3 to nursery for longer is a good idea - when he goes now he does three hours and i have to stay with him during that time- he won't be left alone at all. He's only been going a month and he screams the entire time. I've been given special permission to take DC5 in a sling in with us when it's born so i can still go with him. I'm not sure if he did get the full 15 hours, then it'd be benificial as i think i'd still have to go in with him iyswim?

TBH, if i'd had an idea of how complex DS3's needs were at the time, we never would have planned DC5, and i feel awful for saying that, but it's the truth. He ignores DS2 and DD mostly, but as they are older then him, he's never known any different then having them around.

His comprehension isn't that great - he understands if i give him simple intructions, like 'Can you pass the ball' etc, but he hasn't a clue about mammy having a baby in her tummy, despite me telling him lots.

I can't help but wonder - have i left it too late? I'm 30 weeks pregnant now, and have been talking about the new baby to him for the past month or so.

wow, you must be so tired.
Doesn't DS have his own SENCO?
My son screams a lot when we leave (each and every time) but he hs his own teacher who changes his nappies, etc.
I wonder if more hours could just get him used to it, but you know your child best.

Your DS's comprehension sounds the same as my son's.

dd1 was exactly 2.6 when dd2 was born. she was very similar to how your ds3 sounds (except we were just about through the dx process, and just waiting for final appt) - she would only be comforted by me, I wa sher whole world and the only person who could actually understand her attempts at communication.

dd1 loved books (especially rhyming ones) and I read ehr "there's a house inside my tummy' a lot. she enjoyed the story (well, she enjoyed the time with me, iyswim) if nothing else

We hired a maternity nanny for the frst couple of months - I don't know if this would be an option for you? I too took the view that, aside from feeding (I bf) there was little that dd2 needed from me, and so I could be there for dd1.

having the nanny meant I could keep dd1's routine the same - I had a caesarian so needed someone to drive me around, down to dd1's nursery, to tumbletots etc - which ended up in the farcical situation of me taking dd1 round the tumbletots circuit 4 days post CS. but it worked for dd1, which was the most important thing.

you do stil have a bit of time to try out some things. as I said earlier, thankfully dd1 loved me reading to her, and so this was something that could carry on while I was feeding dd2. I expressed from the start, so that the nanny could give dd2 some feeds (and dh too). and invested in a decent sling, so that once the nanny finished, I could still do everything with dd2 strapped to me (dd2 was a velcro baby).

one important thing to bear in mind is that the baby will be as happy to be entertained by watching you and ds3 play as if you were actually shaking rattles with the baby - dd2 was entranced a lot of the time.

No, no SENCO as yet - as i say, we're just at the beginning of this long process, well about nine months on from DS3 being referred to a pead because of developmental delays. We're waiting to see another consultant who will do an autism assessment on him, but that's likely to be a few more months yet.

TBH, finances are tight, so a nanny simply isn't an option for us. DS3 doens't really like books, but i do perervere - his thing is cars.

the nanny thing was a longshot.

would your ds do something like car-based fuzzy felt, or magnetic play scenes? that would give you a simialr chance to be sitting down feeding the baby?

It wasn't so much the books that dd1 loved (although it is the way she learnt ot talk), but the fact that taht way she got me, constantly talking to her. singing was another one for her - I used to spend entire days singing (nonsense, made up stuff) to whatever the tune of the moment was. again, luckily this meant I could do this while attending to a baby. exhausting, but possible, iyswim?

Yes, he does like to draw on the magnadoodle, so that could entertain him awhile.

I think i'm most concerned about nighttimes, if i'm honest. We're about to move him into a shared bedroom with DS2 and DSS after Christmas, so that he gets used to it, but i'm not building my hopes up as i'm up a lot of the night with him. I'm not quite sure how i'll manage that and the demands of a newborn. Don't get me wrong, manshape helps out tons, but at nights Tate (ds3) just won't be comforted by anyone else but me.

We're awaiting a referral to a sleep clinic, but i've heard that they really advocate the cry it out solution - which we tried, but it simply didn't work. All that happens is that Tate wakes the older children and the neighbours bang on the walls.

yes, I can see that must be difficult. at that age, dd1 slept. a lot. we hd our years of slep problems after that, when she was about 4, and dd2 was 18 months, so past the exhausting newborn stage.

you say he wakes a lot, and will only be comforted by you - are you able to soothe and comfort him? if you are there, is he quieter and happier? at what point are you able to leave him again - once he is asleep, or can you go once he has calmed down a bit?

again, this all happened to us when mine were that bit older, but we (for that read me, as dh works very long hours) ended up doing a very slow withdrawal form dd1's bedside. we put dd1 and dd2 in together (otherwise I was going from screaming child to screamng child across the hallway all the time - just get one settled, and have to leave to settle the other, which meant the first would be upset and screaming again), and the only way to soothe dd1's anxiety was to stay with ehr as she fell asleep.

and then withdraw in stages, only ever going just as far as she was comfotable with, and able to self settle. we managed to withdraw to the door of the room relatively quickly (about 2 weeks), but it took us a further 2 years to be able to move away from the doorway (we managed it sometimes, bit by bit, but there was always a setback which meant we were back at the doorway again)

is your partner going to be (reliably - meaning work hours, not personality!) about at baby's bedtime? because maybe he could settle the baby, while you worked on slow withdrawal with ds3?

need to go and put the Christmas tree up with the dds, will be back later.

keep asking away - there are lots of us here who have been through some pretty major sleep issues.

Sorry i didn't come back to this last night.

It's really strange, he will self settle to sleep initially, say about 8pm, then about 11pm he'll wake and start screaming and will have to be held by me to calm him down. I've tried just sitting by his cot and trying to 'shhh' him but that really doesn't work, he has to be held, till he falls back to sleep in my arms. Then if i can put him down without waking we'll possibly get an hour and a half or so before he wakes and starts screaming again. I honestly don't know what it is... we've tried nightlamps, leaving a radio on so it's not completely quiet, i feel sometimes that i'm at my wits end. But then, i'm so used to it, as he's never ever been a good sleeper, from being a newborn.

T is also a biter. I worry that he may bite the new baby, but so far it's mainly himself he bites, though his did bite DD a few weeks ago. He also pulls his hair and bangs his head when angry or upset.

Gosh, i must be coming across as all 'Woe is me', and i really haven't meant to, not at all. T is such a joy, despite his issues, he's a happy funny little fella and i can't ever imagine being without him. This whole world of ASD is completely new to me and i'm just starting to get my head around it all. Not so new to manshape as DSS has Aspergers(sp?), so he has an idea of whats happening.

Thank again for all your help and advice here - it really is very much appreciated.

How about co-sleeping with DS3? You can roll on him all you like, he'll just push you off - noone is going to smother a 2 year old by accident. Then he gets really really close mummy time for a lot of the night - that might help to fill up his well of loving (blech - can't think of a better description)

Does DS3 have sensory issues? If so, then introducing ear defenders as part of the armoury BEFORE the new baby arrives might be a good idea.

If i'm honest, i begrudge sharing my bed with manshape, let alone anyone else! So the thought of co-sleeping really doesn't appeal at all - i co-slept with DD when pregnant with DS3, an it was horrendous.

He does have sensory issues - especially around loud noises - hoover, sewing machine, tumble dryer etc. It hadn't occoured to me that he may react to DC5's screaming. Gah.

I think i'll speak to his keyworker in nursery this week, and tell her my concerns. She may be able to suggest something too.