How to wean a nursing toddler with ASD traits? need advice please

[eskimomama]

hello everyone

I'm still BFing my 26 mo DD who has a milk allergy, and she really loves it. It was no problem for at least 18 months for me to do it, but now I think it needs to end for a few reasons:

• I've lost too much weight (also following a dairy and egg free diet)
• I want her to be on a gluten free casein free diet fully, and because gluten goes through breastmilk she needs to be weaned. I can't go on a gluten free diet, or I will most certainly collapse...

DD has mild ASD traits, although we are still somewhere on the long road to get a dx. She does not have a single word yet, she doesn't point much at all (only in books where she can touch the picture), she doesn't answer her name much, she doesn't play interaction games at all (as in "give me the ball" types). She tip toe walks a bit, and makes herself dizzy at least a few times a day. All this makes me believe she does have ASD symptoms and basically just waiting for doctors to tell me officially :(

Now I would like advice on how to wean her from the breast without too much trouble. I know it won't be easy, but I don't want to be too rough (no "cold turkey" approach!) and risk making her symptoms even worse due to the shock, when she looks like she has special needs.

I would be extremely grateful for any advice from moms who've been there.

At the moment she breastfeeds just before bedtime, maybe once or twice at night, and at nap time. Maybe 4/5 times in 24 hours.

Thanks so much in advance x

Thanks zzzzz I totally wholeheartedly hear you on the non-rigid mama style!
I've been advised so many times to go cold turkey and it just feels wrong, insensitive and counterproductive... and I know it won't work, just make me lose my patience and give in after 2 days.

She can drink very well from her sippy cup, whether it's water, juice or oat milk. I have to force her a bit sometimes as she can be too slow.
Ideally I'd like to stop the feeds altogether, as I think they are not nutrition anymore but comfort at this stage.

Eating goes kind of ok.... if you ignore the fact that I mostly feed her in front of her favourite cartoons... I know it's bad but this way she's happy to eat whatever I give her. Otherwise she is very picky and doesn't want to eat anything at all... She's not the best at self feeding, I have to help most of the time by spoon feeding her or filling the spoon for her when she's cooperative.

May I ask how and when you weaned your DS? How long did it take? Were you still nursing him at night when he was weaned?
thank you so much xx

Thanks LeninGrad. Unfortunately she won't sleep or settle with anyone else. She's only been with me for sleep times since she was born as DH is working long hours, and she's only going to nursery in the mornings. That's why the BF-to-sleep association is so strong. I've tried a few of Elizabeth Pantley's no cry solutions but I'm beginning to worry that they never really worked because of ASD...
So I was wondering if a different approach should be taken for SN toddlers who are so easily prone to tantrums and who find it very hard to process explanations...

This is really hard for you. Your child may not be ready emotionally to wean until they are 5 or 6 (not my child, but I know an ASDish 7 year old with allergies whose mother is still working on night weaning). Then it's a question of balancing your physical health and burned-out-ness against the child's needs.

I'd be working really hard on getting your health fantastic but GF CF, so that the nursing doesn't have to stop immediately.

I'd do it context by context, working on just one, and backing off if you are pushing too hard. Like, getting good at anticipating need for hunger or comfort when out and about, and meeting that need a different way before the child thinks of nursing, and then applying the same system to falling asleep for naps (going for a walk in the buggy can be good), and then applying it to falling asleep at night somehow, and then to the early morning nurse, and then to the middle of the night, or whatever.

You may need to ease off one context while another is getting established, too, if the child is feeling particularly needy.

It's more about mama burn out than anything - that's the thing to watch - finding ways of nursing and amounts of nursing that aren't driving you crazy, and other ways of offering physical comfort. But my honest experience of spectrummy children among my acquaintance is that non-stressful weaning tends to happen nearer the 5-6 year old mark than the 2-3 year old mark, even when that mother's NT children are weaning cheerfully at 2 or 3.

eskimo, your DD reminds me of DD1 (3.10, asd) around the same age. she also was not willing to give up BF at all. she had still feeds before going to sleep (she used to feed herself to sleep), a couple of feeds at night and a couple during the day. i had eventually to be quite strict with weaning, as pregant again and by the time I was 30 weeks, I just could not stand the BF sensation anymore. it made me mad
so I started to shorten DD's feeds. I just took her off after feeding only fir a very short time. then I dropped the day feeds completely (was easier than evening/night feeds). third step was stopping the night feeds. had about 10 tearful nights but then it was fine. stopping the night feeds made DD also a better sleeper. she woke up less often which was a really nice side effect :) and last, I dropped the evening feed. again, tears but after a week or it was ok (though she needed me, and still does, to be with her when falling asleep). the whole weaning process took place over 2 month and DD1 was eventually weaned at 2.7. we had a stressful 8 weeks but it was not quite as bad as I had thought it would be though it was not easy.
hth

I'm so glad to see this thread. My DD is 2.6, recently diagnosed with ASD - though we suspected that for quite a while beforehand. She is 'obsessed' with BF and can't see how on earth to get her to give it up. You are some of the very few people in the world who will understand how and why it is v difficult. I've had advice from GP since DD was 6 months old saying 'just stop' - but she has a complete meltdown if I try. She still 'feeds' - though more of a comfort-latch-on - 4 to 6 times a night. She can't seem to understand how to go to sleep on her own, nor with someone else (ie her dad, who she adores, yet insists on BF). It's all quite isolating and anyone you ask seems to think you've developed 'bad habits' - whereas to me if feels as though we've simply worked with her as best as we can to get her to sleep and feel comfortable at all (she used to scream so terribly, so much of the time). I've recently been wondering if there's an ASD/BF-for-much-longer link. Bit scared to see that it could, indeed, be years before she self-weans.....

Thanks so much ommmward chocjunkie and zzzzz, such helpful and constrcutive advice! (although a little opposed to each other )
I do agree that BF has to stop if mommy doesn't feel good about it anymore. I don't actually mind it that much but my body is asking me to stop and it's time I listen to it now. I'm so skinny it scares me sometimes.

chocjunkie may I ask how you dealt with nap times when your dropped the day feeds?

grey24 you sound like you are my clone :) I wish we lived next door so we could support each other . I hope the advice given by the ladies above can help you too. We are in the same boat! I really don't want to BF a 5 year old, or even a 3 year old, somehow I have to convince myself that it's ok to wean her now, she's 2 yo, and accept the tears (cuddled in my arms) for a few weeks. I've always been totally weak with her crying ever since she was born so hopefully as chocjunkie says it will be easier than expected.

eskimo, by 2.6, DD was not really having naps anymore. so it stopping the BF was not really a problem. On the few occasions DD needed a nap, it was similar to stopping the evening feed - tears, tantrum and falling asleep in the end.