I can't keep on doing this - pep talk me please!

[appropriatelytrained]

After several months out of the school system, my life is turning again in to the big pile of crap it was last summer.

The LA are changing DS's statement to name the new school and have just stuck in clauses without explanation. I can't even speak to someone as I am still under my 'vexatious ban' so I email the mothership and eventually someone will come up with some crap explanation. What a way to treat parents.

In the meantime, I note the amended statement has been circulated to a pile of people including the old S&LT service from this county. They discharged DS as soon as we took him out of school. They lied in reports for Tribunal, failed him at every step of the process and I do not want them involved.

The new school is in a different county so I had assumed we would get a different S&LT service.

We have asked them to confirm S&LT several times to no avail.

I am just sick to death of the fact that they can do as they want and there is no one to oversee them. If you persist in asking questions, you are difficult and they will just lie. The LGO are no help as they are crap beyond belief.

I know I will sound sorry for myself but this is not normal for me. I just feel like I've had enough. I feel like a zombie.

I've got the statementing shit to sort out, DS's reintegration which will be a nightmare, he's got 2 weeks in hospital in the new year, I've got no work on and no time to work, a disabled brother to support, oh and another child for god's sake!

I've got an OT to meet this week which is contentious too. She prepared a shitty report on DS recently (it was 5 months in preparation and suggested his 'well below average' results were the consequence of him 'being silly' - although she didn't say that at the time of the assessment). She was helpful for the last year but I know she has been chatting things over with the LA.

Yet, she didn't even spot the difficulties which led DS to Gt Ormond St.

So, what do you do? I've had a cold for weeks, I am being tested for thyroid dysfunction (periods and hormones and spots all over the place - sorry if TMI), I'm constantly run down and I've had to turn down work because DS is out of school.

I fear I'm actually getting depressed as it would be so easy just to stay in bed. I am never like this usually and I know I have to not succumb to that but I can't even sit and cry. I haven't cried for ages.

I also feel irrational (or rational) rage at everything to do with this so I fear the post, the email, the phone everything now. I feel under siege.

I also feel like I try and employ all these people to take the stress away and they do nothing but take my cash. I've sacked our lawyer but still owe her a grand so there's my freelance money gone this month. Can you imagine what you could do with that at Christmas?

I can never get our advocate to do anything without comprehensive chasing.

I'm sorry. I know there are people who have it much worse but I have really had it up to here and I don't know what to do.

get some exercise in the fresh air. then a bath with plenty of bath salts. and an early night. and have a pyjama day if you want one.

you need to get a formal reply in for the amended statement stuff so that you don't run out of time, but i don't think anyone is going to be doing anything about any of the other stuff until january.

is he supposed to be going back in the new year?

i think what you're experiencing is renewed frustration at dealing with the system, which can be explained by the gp as depression, but can also be seen as a rational response to bureaucratic red tape and stone walling. or deporession caused by the above. it's a bit chicken and egg.

anti-d's can still help, as they'll take the edge off of the symptoms you experience, but they will do sweet fa about the cause. that isn't to say they shouldn't be used if there is no end in sight.

pen a long letter. then hibernate for two days. then re-read it, amend as required, send it, and then ignore everyone for as long as it takes you to feel more together.

i doubt they'll respond sensibly before january, so bake, and try and concentrate on the small things.

is ds enjoying being out of school? are you enjoying having him around (even for a while?) or would be without the background nonsense?

Thanks. I think that is it. I feel depressed but wouldn't anyone dealing with years of this crap.

I think that is what annoys me. I am falling into the same trap of getting stressed when they email/write to me, telling the kids off as I try to sort out some problem with someone on the phone/email, it just saps the life/joy out of everything.

They have not even given me the option of responding. The statement they have issued is final. He is supposed to start when school goes back.

ugh.

gin then. it's your only option.

have you visited the new named school and gone through your concerns with the new ht and senco? is it the setting you wanted?

can they take over some of the fight on your behalf? it's in their best interests too, so see if they can shoulder some of the burden?

Go outside scream blue murder then take some breaths and come back in. Give the kids a hug and dont let the Bs grind you down. :)

Get some anti-ds to at least help that anxious feeling stay low so that you are rational in thought. Even though they cant the stresses away at least it might feel less of a mountain or you are able to be rationally devient. :)

I dont know what to say as I am always banging or slamming (without the kids around) every time I get off the phone to someone be it la, salt or ot. I do sympathise big time.

You did right in sacking your lawyer as there is no good throwing good money away which can be spent on better things and maybe private things for your DS.

Hugs to you x

Thanks. It's so hard to know what you think or feel sometimes particularly when a cold drags you down anyway.

DS1 is a great chap but he can be so relentless in his own interests and it can be such a battle to get him to do anything outside of them. Sometimes he is like a grumpy old man and you have to suck up all the stress and keep upbeat and not get locked into it.

When I think of the things I have got him to do, persuaded him to try, encouraged him to enjoy, it is amazing. But it is a wearing and constant battle.

Then on top of that you have all the people who are supposed to help criticising, judging or just plain lying.

Ok you take final statement and fill in form today for tribunal - then you enjoy Xmas.

Then you get as many PRIVATE reports as will help your case that you can afford and sift through the paperwork you have to clarify what it is you are asking for. Spend cash on private medical/educational evidence reports rather than lawyers - you know the law part so don't actually NEED then iyswim. What you need is "expert" written evidence to refute the lies.

Once you have done this you enjoy your child (well as much as you can one who is unsupported!) until Tribunal time. You get lots of support prepping for tribunal off us Mumsnet Mums who have the T-shirt. You go to Tribunal.

In the meantime - the fact they have labelled you as vextatious is their problem NOT yours - that strong written evidence you are going to spend 2012 gathering is gonna make the LEA look uncoperative not you! Tribunals expect everyone to play nice and you have clearer evidence than most of us that the LEA don't want to.

Be as positive as you can about the new school and prioritise your own health for a while. An hour's walk in the fresh air each day alone, your multi vits, a long soak in the bath - all these things NEED to take priority over conversing with idiots for the time being as you are fook all use to anyone if you have a nervous breakdown (and yes it does happen to more sen mums than anyone ever admits!).

Tell them a time that is convenient for them to phone, or meet and stick to it. These people are as nasty as possible to you while expecting you to sweetly jump through silly hoops at their behest until you crack - at which point they nod sagely at each other and play the "blame Mum" game, which means they conveniently have to do nothing at all to help your child. Don't give them the satisfaction. Avoid anti-depressants if you can as it can and will be used against you.

On another note my long term aim is to move house as I can't deal with my mob for another decade - knowing that at sometime in the future I'll be shot of them, even if it's a few years from now keeps me sane at times. I have to have a bright light on my distant horizon to aim towards or I'd have lost the plot years ago.

Thanks Bochead. That is really helpful advice.

I usually go to the gym but with constant colds and it being populated by half of DS's old school, (including staff members!) I have missed that bit of alone time - although I must say I more frequently ended up brooding on what was going on and came back twice as upset!

Just getting out and walking seems a really good idea. It's amazing when you're home edding an obstinate Aspie, and doing the school run for another child, you realise you hardly ever walk anywhere alone. I shall get my trainers out and do that for my GP appointment tomorrow!

I agree with the anti-depressant point - for me anyway - my response is a normal one to a crappy set of circumstances. I need to refocus!

Ignoring all the crap is also something I need to do but I am really not good at doing this. I get an email and it takes over my day. I need to stop that.

As for the statement -- we have done the Tribunal thing. I just wanted them to issue a normal amendment to Part 4 putting in my son's new school. But they find it impossible to explain themselves, or talk to me in any adult way and this gets me sucked in to railing against their crapness.

It is that problem of wanting them just to let you get on with it but it is never that simple is it - they don't seem to be capable of that.

AT sorry to hear this. I have had several similar moments myself over past 2 years and all I can say is sometimes you have to just switch off for a few days and not do the post or emails, especially not in evenings! Usually I then bounce back a few days later and actually feel more up for a fight than before.
You can write back even though the statement is final, they can just issue another final one (as we found out the hard way). Just say that the new clauses were not in the proposed, you haven't been asked to comment on them, and you can't see where they have come from eg not referenced in any report etc. Send the letter and switch off. You won't hear from them from about 23 Dec to 3 Jan.
Just concentrate on the school.
Having fought so hard for our statement the wording of which we love, we had to sit in a room with SALTs who say to us 'oh we don't pay any attention to whats in the statement, we just provide what we think DS needs' and then they come up with a suggestion which is 1/4 of what the statement says. Given their input has been useless then I am actually not that bothered fighting for 3/4 more useless crap to add to the 1/4 useless crap they are willing to provide. But to constantly have to say no you do have to follow the statement. I am not convinced the school teacher has even read the statement!
Is there a youth club or activity your DS could go to? A holiday scheme? Something which would give you a proper break?

I sympathise with you whole heartedly. I totally obsess over every email, phonecall, letter I get reading, rereading and then have an afternoon of fuming. Am now off work sick with the stress of it all as kept bursting into tears every time the bloody school decided to phone and inform me that my DD is the anti-Christ. Now on anti depressants have never bothered with them before actually was quite opposed to them but they have done me the world of good the problems are all still there but I do not stress about them in the slightest and everything is more manageable.

Good luck

Thanks for your posts. It does really help to know that others understand what we all go through.

I walked in to town on my own today which was my first time out in the open air alone for about two weeks. That has helped.

I am supposed to be talking to our OT today about the difficulties with her report but I just can't face it. Am I awful if I postpone? You just get used to having to front everything out, it is hard to keep perspective on what can just be put to one side for now.

Agnes, the problem with DS is that he will never go to out of school/holiday clubs etc as it takes him ages to feel comfortable with anyone and especially with new children so it can be more stress than it's worth trying to battle with him about these things.

So, I'm having a peaceful day but it's that awful feeling you have that someone is just going to dump a nasty one on you - inevitably timed for their Christmas departure!

Hope the day turned out better than you expected.
Know what you mean about the playschemes etc
DS is too young but our social worker has started to talk about an agency they use and that we could use with DP at weekends and then when DS is Year 1 he can be supported by someone from the agency in playschemes ie someone he knows. But of course there is no guarantee with an agency the workers will stay the same.

Thanks Agnes. All was ok until I received an email from PALS at the end of the day.

For nearly 6 months, I have been requesting copies from DS's medical notes of any records of meetings attended by the S&LT service with other agencies in my absence.

This occurred after the head of the service denied that DS had not had a programme in place for most of the last academic year because, she said, the head of DS's old school had confirmed that there had been a programme up and running since 2010. This was done in a 'face to face' meeting in June.

Mmmm, just before Tribunal. I know what sort of 'face to face' meeting that was. Let's get our lying act together meeting more like. This BS was also repeated in the S&LT's report to Tribunal.

So I asked for records as what was being said contradicted the facts and I felt this meeting had not been conducted within our consent to information sharing.

The head of S&LT ignored me.

The PALS team ignored me.

Many emails and one complaint to the PHSO later - the Trust agree, nearly two months ago, to disclose. So PHSO ducks out.

Have I received disclosure yet? No.

I chased and got an email from PALS today saying effectively 'what is it you wanted again' and also saying we've been trying to ring you, do you have another number. Mmm, the number they've been ringing was DS's old school. Simple mistake if you're a bunch of lying, conniving bastards.

Of course, they are just prevaricating and clearly hope that I will be ground down by the relentless crapness of it all.

And that is tempting.

But you know, somewhere, you just have to stick to your guns and try and get to the truth. The sods should not be cooking up stories about provision behind our children's backs.

Agree with you AT. They just get away with so much. I think they just rely on grinding parents down - after all we still have so much to do - making up for the inadequate provisions offered by the public sector - that we drop our complaints and concentrate on our dc.

Have to say I am surprised at PALS. Have never used them before but have thought it might be a backup agency, iyswim. Silly me. You'd think I have learnt from my experience with the LGO but no, for some strange reason, I seem to be conditioned to believe that the public institutions work in the interest of the public... Wonder when I'll learn that they all act in their own best interest.

Hope you feel better soon.