How can I start to accept DS?

[monkey2010]

Hi there,
I'm in a horrible period of depression and main focus of it is not being able to accept DS (nearly 2, ASD symptoms, no real attachment, really challenging, lots of obsessive behaviours, doors, lights etc).
I've posted before and got great advice about trying to link up with other people in a similar position but I wondered if anyone had any strategies or things that have helped them in accepting their child for who they are?

I would love another child but at the moment feel DS dominates our life so much it won't be possible (and I'm also too depressed). Has anyone's first child had difficulties but you've been able to get to a place where you can have another?

The pre-school years, and/or the first year of cottoning on that your child's developmental isn't going all that well is the worst time for pretty much everybody. Some people find the grief analogy useful.

What I found most reassuring, bizarrely, was instead of thinking "Why me? Why us?", was thinking "Why not me?".

Hi monkey I have two dds they are 7 and 2. If dd2 had come first in sad to say I wouldn't have had another so I do understand what you are saying! She doesn't sleep, obsessed with doors, lights, tantrums, etc etc no dx as yet but going through the process. She is very attached to me however this is also a problem as she cannot bear to leave me which is so very tiring.

My first dd has ADHD but we did go on to have dd2 and although both girls are so very hard work I wouldn't change them for the world. My dd1 can be very challenging but she's very talented at sports so does have an outlet for her energy and I'm sure dd2 will be just as fab when she's older.

Thanks for your replies. Chundle - what is helping you cope with dd2? She is a similar age to my ds and I just find him so hard to be with. I can't take him out as he can't sit still and constantly whinges. In the park he just wants to play with the gate. Also, what have you done to start the diagnosis process so early - no one will listen to me!

I find going out difficult as well particularly as I don't drive! We are lucky as at our local park there is a trampoline and she loves jumping!! Dd was referred at 9 months as she wasn't rolling over and she was in the system anyway due to being a prem baby however I do find it hard getting my concerns about her behaviour listened to. Her paed is very good as he is also dd1s paed however other profs have been quite dismissive.
We have the gate thing as well- twice a day on the school run!! I take dd out whatever the weather it keeps me sane. I put her wellies and waterproofs on and take her out puddle jumping!

Oh and lots of wine and nights out with friends help me cope :)

Despite my fears for DS1's development very early on the health professionals continued to reassure us he was just a late developer until he was 2. From that point things started to move forward. DS2 arrived 3 days after DS1's 2nd birthday.

My only regrets are that I was so tired when pregnant that I didn't continue working quite as hard to help DS1 learn as I had done before and after DS2 arrived I had less time. I do wonder if that disadvantaged DS1 who needs a lot of input to learn the things other children just do naturally. If you find your first child very tiring you would be crazy not to consider what pregnancy and a newborn would add to that equation.

That said I am so so glad I had DS2. He is a whirlwind, walked at 10 months (DS1 walked at 23 months) and at 14 months is running around and has a stack of words. I feel so lucky that I have had the chance to appreciate, enjoy and wonder at his development, something that many parents must just take for granted. Instead of just worrying about it as i did with DS1. DS1 finds DS2 a complete pita but DS2 still idolises him!
DS1 is hard work at times but doing well at preschool and now getting lots of support. It is hard work as he can't do a lot of things for himself and still doesn't talk but, to be honest, we get by and I'm sure he would be just as challenging without his development delay, just in different ways!

Give yourself time to adjust and find ways both to cope and enjoy the life you have.

monkey, I am someone who found it desperately difficult to accept DS - who spent the first 7 or 8 years of his life obsessively playing with doors and gates, not sleeping properly and being very 'low reward' for me as a mum.

The door thing passed. I don't know if I would call it depression, (I now regard it as a completely normal reaction to trauma), but I had quite extreme thoughts about DS and could not really say I loved him when he was younger. He was - and is - very hard work, very challenging at home and very disabled and I was so desperately isolated and lonely, this really impacted on my ability to love him.

Things have changed over the years: We have a good respite package, we had some adaptations to the house, a new service was developed locally which actually catered for children like my son and I met some like-minded parents who struggle with challenging children. Time has also been a healer. I can honestly say I now properly love him and I really value people with learning disabilities and enjoy their company as the unique, amazing individuals they are.

However, one of the biggest improvements was having DS2 after many years of thinking I couldn't possibly have another child: For me, it was like being healed. I am aware that it isn't a choice everyone can make though.

I can't tell you to have another child but if I could go back to where you are now, I like to think I'd do the following: 1. Try harder to meet mums with similar children 2) I'd try to be kind to myself and accept my grief 3) Go for long term counselling but get a good counsellor this time! 4) Try to just play more with my child and treat them as I would a 'normal' little one who needs love and attention like any other 5) try to keep my interests in the outside world going and not let myself disappear into the disabled bubble 6) keep posting on MN SN which sadly didn't exist when DS was young