Having a bad day, may I moan?

[sitandnatter]

Originally posted in AIBU.

Hi sorry to be a newbie and come straight in for advice but I am tearing my hair out here.

I have an autistic teen who can be the most loving child in the world but needs everything to be on his terms. Today I've had a three hour meltdown, three solid hours, rudeness, complaints, moans, insults all because the schedule he was expecting was disrupted.

He is high functioning but couldn't see what he'd done wrong or why I was at the end of my tether. I'd never hurt him but I just wanted the noise to stop so ended up shouting at him which is the worst thing you can do.

Now I feel useless and exhausted.

My mum wanted to take him out to get his Christmas present, he told me it wouldn't be good but as everyone has so kindly said, he doesn't get to dictate the terms. He hates Christmas, change of food, change of routine, hates surprises, hates not getting surprises. So straight off we have a change of routine and a reminder that Christmas is coming up.

My mum usually sees the angelic side, she really felt sorry for me today. It's actually been going on since Friday at this intense level. Just had to do a quick shop and it was all I could do not to burst into tears at the check out.

I'm normally so strong, I'm the backbone, today I'm jelly.

I've just sat and burst into tears for the first time in a couple of years. He is now terrified at his mum crying and wanting to make me better. I am not sure whether to feel guilty that I couldn't hold it together in front of him or relieved that for once he can see how his behaviour impacts on me and hope that for a while it makes a difference.

He's managed about 20 minutes of empathy and has now gone back to his Xbox.

im going to be no use to you here,but just wanted to reply and send you hugs,xxxxxx
its hard not to shout at them sometimes,you are only human!
do you have a partner that can take over for the eve while you have a nice hot bath,or a read of a mag or something?just so you can have a breather...
i know with my ds he drives me to distraction! to a point where i need some one just to take him away!
its hard to keep it together,but its good to cry and sometimes they need to see they have just pushed it to far,even if it dosent last long,
i hope you are ok,xxxxx

Thanks Crazy, unfortunately his father is useless and we're divorced, I can't even ask for his support as he doesn't understand autism, wont go to CAMHS so really I'm on my own, carer for my mum too.

Normally Im the strong one just having an off day but glad for the kind words.

Hi, sitandnatter, hope you are feeling a bit better today . Christmas can be really hard can't it - DS2 is already getting worried about what will happen. He makes little lists of the order that things will be done; eg: get up, have brekkie, open presents, watch carols on TV etc. I think he does it to mentally prepare himself, but then if any of us deviate from his schedule there's hell to pay!!

The whole "surprise" thing of presents is really tricky too - he gets over excited and then if the present isn't what he expects it results in a meltdown. Of course it can go the other way too - for his birthday he wanted a tombola (yes, really!!) but I don't think he thought he'd actually get one (neither did I, but that's another story - thank goodness for ebay ). When he opened it, he was so delighted and surprised it was fantastic, he was literally rolling on the floor laughing for about 15 minutes, and so were we .

Like crazygal said, sometimes it's ok for your DS to see you cry - sometimes it takes an extreme reaction to make it clear you're upset. And sometimes it does YOU good to cry too. Don't feel guilty, it must be really hard especially as you have to think of your mum too. Maybe you can talk it through with him today and explain why you cried and try to get him to understand your feelings.

x

He was very subdued this morning, tried to throw a sickie so he doesn't have to go to school but that wasn't getting past first base. I feel drained but more relaxed. One of his consultants said that the next few years would be like riding on a volcano periods of calm then an eruption, well did we every erupt this weekend. I think I may have to go back to CAMHS for a review, it certainly won't do any harm. Teens hormones and autism are one of hell of heady mix.

Thanks for all the support it's been really helpful.

My DS2 is only 8 so I've got a while til the teenage years - not looking forward to it TBH! It is a real rollercoaster isn't it, we seem to go through periods of calm and just when I start to feel that it's all ok and I really CAN cope, the storm clouds gather again and we get a bumpy ride! Have you got any support groups locally, or any groups for ASD teenagers that he could go to so you could get a break?