Who can tell me if DS is just "being a boy" or whether it's something more serious?

[witherhills]

Ok, I think I need help
I am naturally patient and tolerant but I'm finding it very difficult at the moment
I hate the phrase "he's just a boy".
It seems that is the standard response

I have thought he was different since about 4/5 months old, stubborn and difficult.
he has just turned 4, and is adorable and frustrating in equal measures.
He will not do anything I ask/say. Every single thing he has to be cajoled/persuaded/bribed(!) into doing, I have to pre-empt every situation. Major tantrums that really don't make sense, he was crying last night because he wanted to go to Africa, the night before because he couldn't walk? He can't be trusted to walk or cycle anywhere, no regard to safety.

I have tried all the usual reward charts, naughty step, ignoring etc.
Nothing works. We might have some tiny wins here and there, but largely he ignores me.
Lots of times I have thought, he will get through it, he will come out the other end beautifully behaved.

I need to get him a new car seat, and the thought of him not being harnessed in fills me with dread. So I have realised that it's not right.

I have no experience of this, so started to look things up.
I have always suspected his father is Aspergers, so that is a possibility, but DS doesn't really have the lack of empathy traits. He is very affectionate and loving and emotional

He does seemingly have these similar traits as his father; can't keep still, can't switch off brain, constantly thinking, racing ahead (literally and figuratively) takes forever to go to sleep as mind can't switch off.
It's like his brain is working over time, he needs to slow down.

So maybe ADHD, and have just found this and it's him.
It could also be a million other active children. How on earth do I know if it's serious? I did mention it to my GP a couple of years ago, when he was about 2 and he said no diagnosis could be made that early. If I take him in to the GP, he will be on his best behaviour and she'll laugh me out of the surgery!!

Any thoughts or advice would be very welcome

Symptom
How a child with this symptom may behave
Inattention
?Often has a hard time paying attention, daydreams
?Often does not seem to listen
?Is easily distracted from work or play
?Often does not seem to care about details, makes careless mistakes
?Frequently does not follow through on instructions or finish tasks
?Is disorganized
?Frequently loses a lot of important things
?Often forgets things
?Frequently avoids doing things that require ongoing mental effort

Hyperactivity
?Is in constant motion, as if "driven by a motor"
?Cannot stay seated
?Frequently squirms and fidgets
?Talks too much
?Often runs, jumps, and climbs when this is not permitted
?Cannot play quietly

Impulsivity
?Frequently acts and speaks without thinking
?May run into the street without looking for traffic first
?Frequently has trouble taking turns
?Cannot wait for things
?Often calls out answers before the question is complete
?Frequently interrupts others

And now I've written all that down, I am crying
He is so lovely, so adorable, I need to help him and I don't know how

There almost certainly is a problem - because you've been having concerns for 3 1/2 years!

You need to go to your GP and ask for a referral to a child development paed.

A GP is not qualified to dx these conditions, so you just need to insist she refers you on. Take a list of his symptoms with you and be insistent.

I would also say that both you and nursery have concerns :)

Good luck.

Like you say all the typical things haven't worked. My DS has classic autism (quite severe) and is very affectionate, so being affectionate doesn't rule out ASD traits. Empathy is more about whether he can understand what you are feeling. Which he probably can't as otherwise he would be sympathetic to the fact he makes things such hard work for you (I mean all children that age are self absorbed to a degree but most will understand that their behaviour can make you sad / frustrated and are starting to appreciate they can't have it all their own way). Reading up on behaviour strategies for ASD / ADHD and trying them out can't hurt.

thank you for not saying "he's just a boy"!!

I've made an appt with GP, a nice friendly one, well she has been with me.
Imogen, I've read about the hormone increase, his behaviour has been pretty constant, it's just that I am coming to the end of my tether and he happens to be 4.
I have really been trying to get a handle on it recently, putting my foot down, so it feels like there is more conflict, and more obvious that there is an issue because I can't control him
It's also more evident in things like road safety, car safety, walking. I have taken him into West End a couple of times, and it has just been exhausting.
Swimming lessons and rugbytots, same.
I want to treat him, days out, but sometimes it's just overwhelming.

AgnesDiPesto- love that name! yes that makes sense too. He's just not responding in the normal way. He seems to have a few different traits, so not sure where he will fit, but I guess that's up to the professionals.

Hi, you could be talking about my five year old DS We took him to the GP who suggested more exercise and fresh food

However, the school are taking it very seriously indeed, and my son has an assessement with the EP next week. They will then write to our GP and we will hopefully get a referral that way.

Interesting that your DH shows similar traits. In our family, it is me with ADHD (self-diagnosed - at school I was just made to feel stupid and shoved in a corner).
I think some of the traits between ADHD and ASD are very similar. I know that I display some ASD traits, although I have bucket loads of empathy.

To have been worried for so long indicates there is a problem. I have a 5.5yo boy and although he was born deaf I knew from an early age there was more to it. I have spent 4 years being told he's 'just a boy' or 'its because he's deaf'. Only recently have we suddenly (through a crisis) got the right person on board to have a look at him and he has SPD which in combination with the deafness, explains things. I would never recommend hitting crisis point though. You need to see the GP before things get worse.

i have a ds aged 11 and he's the same cant get him dx i go to gp and he sends me to the school i go to the school and they tell me to go to the gp he had hypotonia and dyspraxia from an early age i understand that they can be linked with asd