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SN children

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Original poster

Is there anything I could do to help Mum at DS's school whos son has just been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome

15 replies

Owlelf · 08/12/2011 16:45

I went to a talk yesterday at DS's school (reception class). One mum there asked a question and at the same time told us that her son has been diagnosed with Asperger's sydrome this week. She was really struggling to hold it together, very teary and my heart went out to her.

I hope that it doesn't sound patronising to say that seeing her so upset made me want to reach out and help. I don't want to put my foot in it though or appear patronising.

My DS is a sociable little beast- he loves spending time with other children. I was wondering about asking her if her DS might like to come over one day- and if she would like to stay for coffee...... However, I realise that I am only thinking this because of what she said yesterday- so I am questioning whether this would be the right thing to do.

I would really welcome your thoughts.

OP posts:

LeninGrad · 08/12/2011 16:58

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chuckeyegg · 08/12/2011 16:59

Just be a good friend, she may need some space to come to teams with it. Don't cut her out which is what lots of people do. If a playdate seems a good idea then ask. My DS is the same age with autism and would struggle with playdates at the moment.

LeninGrad · 08/12/2011 17:06

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 08/12/2011 17:11

I think a playdate would be really welcome, just keep it short, just an hour maybe, not for tea, and don't be offended if he doesn't play well. Find out from his mum what he's into, may be computers, he may prefer something structured like a board game, or even the complete opposite! I could have kissed the lovely mum who had my DS around for a playdate! She was happy for me to come too, with my younger DS. You sound equally lovely.

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 08/12/2011 17:13

Lenin is right, even if it's too much at the moment, the offer will still be really appreciated.

chuckeyegg · 08/12/2011 17:14

I wish we had more parents like you in my school. :)

imogengladheart · 08/12/2011 17:21

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ineedchristmascake · 08/12/2011 17:31

You could even ask if she fancies meeting up at a soft play place or park in the better weather.

Dd3 loves soft play [but we tend to go early in the morning when it is quiet]. I often sit on my own drinking tea, while she plays becasue she doesn't care about being on her own but I quite enjoy company.

The lady might be glad of the company and it doesn't really matter if the dc's play together or not.

You are a very thoughtful person .

coff33pot · 08/12/2011 18:37

Ask her out for a coffee break somewhere while the children are in school? :) I bet she would enjoy company any time of the day. Then you can broach the subject of a play date or meet up.

Another suggestion is keep on inviting at interim times. Dont take offense if she cant come for some reason it may just be the fact that her child wont cope but she doesnt know how to say.

Another suggestion should you become friends is stick up for her as a lot of playground mums are not as nice and thoughtful as you :)

Original poster

Owlelf · 08/12/2011 20:56

Thank you everyone for your advice. I don't recall ever seeing this mum at pick up or drop off, but it is a large school and there are so many new faces. I think I will look out for her and say hi, and if the time feels right ask her if she would

She may have masses of support and I don't want her to feel I an stalking her- or implying that she needs special treatment...... I am also a bit agraid of saying thd wrong thing- but so say nothing feels like the wring thing to do. She just looked so sad and I wanted to let her know that there will be people who care.

OP posts:

Original poster

Owlelf · 08/12/2011 20:58

Oh my goodness so many terrible spellings- I am useless with my iPhone.
Also, the end of my first paragraph should read ask her if she would like a coffee!

OP posts:

Tiggles · 08/12/2011 21:18

My DS (aged 9 with AS) loved having play dates when he was younger. The best ones were ones where the parents just accepted him for being him. He was quite happy playing at other peoples houses but didn't get he should be playing with his play date. So I was always relieved with parents who were happy to have him at their house but playing in a different room to their son without considering it odd! I had friends who were happy to accomodate his odd eating habits and happily just give him a piece of dry bread, or a specific brand of pasta with nothing on it, and still not be offended if he didn't eat it as it didn't taste quite the same as at home. They were happy to accept he might have a panic attack about going to their house and not be able to go on the day.
DS is now happy to even stay overnight at these peoples houses without batting an eyelid and eat what they put in front of him. I have massive respect for them that they and their kids have helped him out so much.

GloriaTheHighlyFlavouredLady · 09/12/2011 00:18

Just ask if her ds is able to deal with playdates at the moment and if he finds them hard is there anything that would make them easier as you'd love to invite them both for coffee and juice either at yours or anywhere the child would feel comfortable.

Make it clear that you are thinking of an hour or less so that you don't both feel you'd be 'stuck' with the situation and keep the time/drink/chat etc. flexible. If you expect social etiquette or polite company you'll all find the playdate hard.

Don't make it all about her child either. If it is going to work, your child needs to get something out of it too, so try to find some common ground for them both. It would be wonderful if your child enjoys it enough to be keen to meet up again and the mum would feel less as if you were doing her a favour.

Us SN mums are always feeling like we need to be grateful when someone is nice to us or our child, and we're a bit sensitive about it.

Hope that helps.

Dawndonnathatchristmasiscoming · 09/12/2011 10:11

www.amazon.co.uk/Can-Tell-About-Asperger-Syndrome/dp/1843102064/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323425341&sr=1-3
This is a good book for kids. We used it at dcs primary and all the kids in their classes read it with their parents, encouraged by teachers. It really helped.

AgnesDiPesto · 09/12/2011 11:40

DS has just started playdates but we have to keep them at our house - and keep them short eg 30-45 mins. However we also have great support in that his 1:1 worker comes home with us and runs the playdate. We have to do structured things eg icing biscuits, painting etc not just free play
I would make the offer but make it clear if he's not ready yet then the offer is open in the future. Some children also bottle stuff up at school and sort of explode when they come home so weekend playdates can be better for some children. Or doing an activity her child enjoys eg swimming. Organising a Mums night out and ensuring you include her might be a good place to start if you don't know her well eg pick a night you know she can come.
I have to say that we have had lovely support from DS reception parents so far who are happy to lend out their children and it does make a big difference as DS has little speech or interest in other children and inviting children round to 'play' with a child who doesn't really play was really hard, but all the parents have been great.

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