How do I treat ds (probable SN) and dd (NT) equitably?

[popgoestheweezel]

I am getting pretty close to the end of my tether here.
ds (5) has had issues for years (undergoing assessment for PDA currently) and his behaviour has been very challenging. Over the last 6 months though we've made loads of progress. We are better at dealing with his anxiety (and recognising it for what it is in the first place) and he has behaviour balance supplement which has had a dramatic effect too.
However, dd (7) (who up til now was a really very good girl) has progressively been 'taking over' the naughtiness as ds has progressed.
Now it seems her priority is to wind ds up to make him do something wrong or she will behave all giddy and wind him and herself up into craziness which can then not be diffused. She will not listen to anything we say to her and has to be told countless times to do things, but doesn't do them and we end up shouting at her. Homework is like torture for us too.
Bedtimes have become a complete battleground (although mornings come a close second) and I am beginning to lose it frequently (despite officially having the patience of several saints). It's now taking longer and longer to get them settled down and most of the time ends in tears for all 3 of us.
I'm sure she sees that ds gets a better deal as we help him with things like getting dressed and keep demands on him low. We have tried to explain to dd that some things are harder for some people than others and as parents we give help to them both when they need it, that doesn't mean we love them any differently. She seems to get this intellectually and says she will behave 'perfectly', and starts off well but then she gets giddy, winds up her brother and then neither will do whats required and it all goes horribly wrong and I end up screaming at them in frustration.
I have tried to spend some one on one time with her so she gets a share in the attention. I make sure both of them eat well, get plenty of time with both me and dh, don't have much screen time, get plenty of exercise, I have read to them every single day of their lives. I feel like I am working soooo hard to be the best parent I can be but it just isn't good enough.
How can i handle this better?

i think you are doing fine.

siblings are born to wind each other up, aren't they? and sn or nt, mine certainly manage it on an alarmingly routine basis.

i have to say, that i have had much better responses when i have refused to lose my rag and become embroiled, and insist on wafting about in a perfectly reasonable manner amidst the chaos. my sanity is much better preserved, and somehow or other the nonsense is over much quicker than if i leap in and turn into screeching madwoman

i find 7yo girls interesting. there is a lot of toing and froing and 'who is the queen bee'ing going on at school between 7yo girls. some of it def does spill over to home.

and sometimes, stuff is just plain old regular nt stuff, not sn stuff. but because you are so used to looking at life through an sn lens, you forget that nt kids drive their parents insane too.

but i would try ignoring the theatrics as far as possible. i must continue to take my own advice...

I am the absolute queen of keeping calm in the chaos (everyone tells me so) but I just cannot contain my frustration sometimes. Bedtime routine starts at 6.30, there are no baths (too stressful for evenings) so all we need to do is get into pjs, clean teeth, get into bed, story, night night.
I would ignore but most of the time it is a safety issue eg. tonight ds kept putting a small toy in his mouth while lying with his head back, normally they will end up hurting each other even if they've started by laughing together.
Tonight they were both in bed but still crying when I came downstairs at 8.30- I cannot remain sane and patient after two hours of that!

re-instigate bath time to get a bit of focus and routine back into it and whang in a cup or two of epsom salts.

do they both read to you as part of their homework?

it does sound alarmingly normal behaviour. ds1 got to 9 before he swallowed a toy inadvertently. i couldn't believe it.

it's the 'free time' aspect that's the killer here. if they are all actively engaged in the routine then there's no drama. the minute i leave them to it, it's like ww3.

also helps. but only after they are actually in bed.

DS is 6 and DD is 10 and she is NT. Sibling rivalry? LOADS!! I am ususally going between them like a yo yo. Once one has had a nice little chat and said sorry the other one starts aggrivating by sniggering or something wind-up-ish.

I have given up the being sensible and chatting about situations to the point I do it twice only and then its divide and conqer One in the bath (usually DD as she is older) and the other in the front room on a chill out order with DH.

Sounds to me you are doing really well. Children can always cause a hic cup in the best laid of plans

I do the divide and conquer thing as well, dd1 downstairs on Bin bloody Weevils, dd2 and 3 in the bath and ds 'encouraged' (hollow laugh) to chill out in his room watching a bit of telly.

otherwise its an all out war fest and ds wouldnt give the girls any peace, just wander round winding them up

Dont you find though.......or maybe its just my madhouse but once you are on the countdown till bedtime and reminding them 30 mins, 20 mins etc as I have to for ds....................they suddenly.........miraculously........become angels and PLAY together

Ha yes! they suddenly decide to talk to each other and its rather nice! Certainly with my elder two, ds and dd2 do not get on at all, he's always horrible to her. Not the baby though oddly, he quite likes her

I am really glad to hear I'm not alone in this. Dh says I am too soft because I (try to) avoid losing my temper with them, but as far as I can see losing my temper only makes things worse. Dd sobbing under her covers and ds throwing himself around in meltdown.

TV doesn't help 'cos there is a fallout when it has to go off. Last night I let them play a game on cebeebies (as reward for getting in pjs) but there was another drama when ds didn't 'win'.

I would love to reinstigate bathtime but anything to do with personal hygiene is a nightmare for ds. It takes about half an hour to manhandle him screaming into the bath/shower and then he loves it and won't get out - so unless we bring the bedtime routine forward to 4.30, I'm just not going to bother on a week night. The epsom salts are good and I do use them when they have baths separately at the weekend. Instead I sometimes give them lavender foot or back massages but often they are too giddy to even sit still for them.

Tonight I think I will try epsom salts baths maybe early on, before tea? Then
maybe I should try story tapes to keep one occupied while I settle the other?

Dh is going away today and not back til sunday night so I've got to get a plan together for 3 nights in a row with no back up [petrified smiley]. I really do admire single parents!

We have DS2 who is 5yo and DS3 who is 2yo at home (our older two are adults now and live on their own).

We do have a lot of back and forth between DS2 and DS3, and DS3 is NT, but too young to understand DS2's SNs. We just try to use the same techniques and rules (as much as possible) so that everything is as fair as possible.

We do countdowns for both. To be honest DS2 responds better to them than DS3 as DS3 starts shrieking the minute the words "bedtime" or "upstairs" come up, so we have to take great pains to explain that it's not quite time yet but it will be soon.

I also reach a point where separating them seems the best option, generally in their bedrooms so I can have a coffee and relax.