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Original poster

I don't like DS being taught to not push back when pushed ...

14 replies

skewiff · 25/11/2011 17:35

Am I bad to think like this?

DS has cerebral palsy that affects his left side. He is quite strong, but not as strong and able as the other children because of it. I am fearful of him being bullied, so think its important that he knows he can fight back. I am pleased that he has the fight back spirit in him.

School at the moment are very heavy on him for pushing (rightly, of course) -but today when I was talking to the school I asked them why they thought DS was pushing and they said 'well, it maybe because he is being pushed, or someone is in his way ...' at that moment a boy came by and pushed DS. DS did not push back. The boy was a brother of another boy in the school. The teacher called DS over and said 'well done for not pushing that boy back, you did so well'. DS was beaming - he loves being praised.

I said to the teacher 'DS really responds to praise' but was thinking in my head 'I don't think its good to teach him not to push back'.

Do you understand what I am trying to say? I hope I am being clear? What do you all think? I really don't want you to say I am right. I am interested in honest opinions.

OP posts:
Triggles · 25/11/2011 17:47

No, I understand completely what you are saying. The problem is that the teacher should have said something to the boy that pushed your DS. Otherwise, he is a bit of a walking target IMO.

Pixel · 25/11/2011 18:25

Yes I'd be pretty cross that she didn't say anything to the boy who was doing the pushing!

tocha · 25/11/2011 18:25

agree with triggles. the solution isn't telling your DS not to push back, but to stop other kids pushing him in the first place Shock. I imagine that teachers can't be seen to encourage any sort of violence, so can't say "oh its OK to push back", but feeble in the extreme not to deal with the other boy, even if it was accidental he still should have been told to be more carefl.

Original poster
skewiff · 25/11/2011 18:28

The teacher I was talking to was the teacher of the next door class - DS's actual teacher was not in this afternoon.

I'm going to speak to his actual teacher on Monday. I know she'll have the same policy of no pushing if pushed, because it is standard for the school. Do you think I should say something about not wanting to quash this self preservation instinct in my son? Or do you think I would be mad to do that.

OP posts:
tocha · 25/11/2011 18:31

I wouldn't frame it in terms of self-preservation instinct, but more in terms of them not being stricter with DS than other kids iyswim?

I must admit I have told my DS that if he is acting in self-defence, I wouldnt be cross with him pushing back etc, even if teacher told him off.

Minx179 · 25/11/2011 19:19

It is all well and good asking your DS not to push back when he is pushed, but what are the school doing to reinforce to your DS that the adults will protect him if he is pushed? I'm a bit Hmm that the teacher didn't tackle the other child especially as she saw him push your DS

Original poster
skewiff · 25/11/2011 20:21

I think it was probably b/c it was the end of the day, she was officially off duty and the mum must have been near by. It wasn't an accident but the boy was young - about 3.

I was just annoyed with her comment she said, whilst watching, "you see, that boy just pushed your DS and I'd expect your DS to push back, he does usually, (this is when I was thinking "oh good") but just then he didn't" - she then went into praising DS.

It made it sound like a lot of pushing happens in school and all they do is tell kids not to retaliate.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 26/11/2011 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oodlesofdoodles · 26/11/2011 12:45

Agree with zzzzz

coff33pot · 26/11/2011 14:38

also agree with zzzzz and going to try that one with DS.

Original poster
skewiff · 26/11/2011 19:45

Yes that's a really good idea.

OP posts:
glimmer · 26/11/2011 22:07

Actually I had a very similar dilemma with DS who was kicked very aggressively on the playground and didn't defend himself (because we reinforce the non-violence). I felt horrible and intervened way too late, since the boy's caregiver was right next to him. I told DS in the future to put both hands in front of him and say 'stop', so that others can't reach him. I think it still gets the message across both verbally and physically without being aggressive.
I am still bothered by 'my' action - I should have protected my son, but was
'too polite'. What a bad example. I did tell DS afterward, that I should have stopped the boy and that I am sorry.

Triggles · 26/11/2011 23:15

DH & I are actually going around a bit in circles about this with DS2 & DS3. DS3 is 2.5yo, and quite happily and firmly in the terrible twos. He has discovered tantrums and frequently is grabbing stuff from DS2 as well as going after him physically and trying to fight with him.

DS2, of course, feels cornered or upset and physically fights back. Now, obviously DS2 needs to learn that is not acceptable behaviour. But DS3 ALSO needs to learn this. I call this basically "6 of one, half a dozen of the other", while DH gets angry with DS2. He looks at it like DS2 should know better (because he's older at 5yo)... which of course because of his disabilities he just DOESN'T. (we won't go into how many times I've tried to explain this to DH Hmm) I look at it as they BOTH need to learn, but it will take time and DS2 will most likely take longer to learn this. In the meantime, at my insistence, they BOTH receive discipline when this happens, not just DS2.

It's quite aggravating really from both sides.

WilsonFrickett · 27/11/2011 00:39

I try to teach DS to shout 'NO' very loudly and then find a grown up or prefect rather than pushing back or retaliating.

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