Help, Smug is in a right state. Assessment of DS not going well.

[smugtandemfeeder]

DS (3) is being assessed for ASD. We have waited a year for them to assess him. During this time his behaviour has escallated to agression and frequent meltdowns.

At nursery and at the assessment he is a delight to be around, articulate, very compliant.

The docs are now talking about referring us to social services and are being very shady and secritive about their plans. They have said that DS is clearly very unhappy at home, they are very worried about DD, and we told them we have resorted to locking DS outside for a minute when he starts attacking us as we do not know what else to do to keep everyone safe. We have said we will stop doing this and want help to know what we should be doing.

6 months ago, at the advice of autism outreach I emailed all involved in DSs care and said that we could not continue to allow our son to hurt our daughter and we needed help to know what we should do. They all ignored my email, not one single reply. Now they waltz in, just when I thought I was going to get help and make us feel like we are terrible parents making our son miserable. We spend all our days trying to make our son happy.

They have not fed a single thing back to us that they have found at the assessment centre so far. Everytime I say that I am worried they will just blame us they say "it is difficult isnt it" and "I can understand your concerns"

Im at breaking point yet again. We are good parents who are at the end of our minds with trying to help our son. Now im just terrified.

Aww smug xxxx what a time of it!

Ok DONT be terrified as that will loose your train of thought should you get a visit. Make a list of all the things you need help with. Treat the visit as "this is what I want" rather than "you have come to see all I am doing wrong" iyswim.

Do you have a diary or notes of his behaviour? put them in your "meeting" folder too.

Open the door with a "hello good to see you at last!" with a smile, "coffee?" and whilst you put kettle on say "glad the gp got hold of you did you ever get my email 6 months ago, never mind you are here now and we appreciate the support"
CHOKE on it if necessary but go with the flow xxx

Video his worst behaviour, so you can show it to SS?

Locking outside for one minute does not sound OTT. (Unless it's in the snow in his bare feet :) )

Is he really fine at nursery?

Could you be awfully mean and do something to upset him (like run out of cornflakes or make him wear the red tee-shirt or whatever) before nursery, so that they see the other side of him?

Would second Coff's thoughts on how to handle any visits from SS. Don't be defensive as they'll think you have something to hide. Make them welcome even if it goes against the grain.
Not sure how you can make the assessment pick up his difficulties though ds and dd were very obvious.
Like Indigo says though is there something that will wind him up before he gets there? Do you have footage that you could show them?
Really sorry it's not happening as you hoped x

Thank you. There are a huge number of things we can.do that stress DS out. Unfortunately no matter how upset he is he switches it off at the door to the assessment centre.

We have already had social services do a core assessment and they said there was no evidence we needed help. It just feels very different when someone else wants to force it upon you.

How about if they complain about putting him outside say could they fund a safespace instead . They will usually do all they can not to fund one.

Is be very tempted to set up a secret hidden camcorder somewhere in lounge make sure u check what area its recording it and next time he has meltdown coax him in front of hidden camera bit. Get it all on tape.
Fwiw I don't see how putting outside for one minute is any different from putting in bedroom for one minute. My mum used to lock me out back in the good old days ;)

Can you get any of your assessments done in your home? There have been many threads before where our DCs have been described as Jekyll and Hyde type characters. Some only reveal their true colours at home where they are relaxed - conversely to what you have been told. My DS even admits to behaving badly at home - but never in school.
I agree with indigo about the video evidence. Particularly if you can get someone to video how you handle the situation and the ott response. And Coff's plan to be nicey nicey might work. Show the video and ask if they can help you with strategies to deal with your DS's behaviour.

They have seen the behaviour at home. They saw DS pushing DD over and hitting her ten times in one visit. They saw DS be very attention seeking. The ASD symptoms have reduced a lot at home recently, less repetitive play. Still anxious and massive meltdowns all day though.

There is a strong family history of mental illness in our parents. The problem is also that DH and I have been very proactive in seeking support for our own health. I have some depression as a result of the situation. The biggie is that DH has recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and on medication. To any outsider looking at the family from above, they all say OF COURSE your son is behaving like this if you have all this going on.

They say if he had ASD it would show itself in the assessment centre, even though I have read so many threads on here with people saying that is not true.

DH is sending himself mad googling social services horror stories and munchausen syndrome. Help.

I must make myself video a day. Just so we have our own evidence.

I feel like giving up and hiding. Self doubt and fear are settling in. I've worked so hard to get here and it feels like we have set ourselves on a crash course. Sorry for a very self indulgent post....

Video - yes.

I video behaviours for SS (I don't bother trying to explain them). It works much better than anything else (i've also photographed bruises etc).

Diary a good idea as well if you are worried they are turning their attention onto you - document every incident.

You can get video cameras that link from any room to your computer. It may sound drastic but if you had one in the childrens rooms and the main living rooms of the house 24/7 with a date and timer on them then that would be great evidence of day to day living. Just stick it out for say 2 weeks worth. It would show that you are not just winding ds up to actually play up iyswim and have full examples from him from warm up to finish and what strategies you are using to try to ease things.

I dont blame you for wanting to give up and hide and really do feel for you but they will still come knocking and be doubly curious. Their job is to see things through.

It really is no big deal that you locked your son outside for a minute. I put my ds in his room if he is out of control and sit on the other side as he can come to no harm there. His stuffed toys get bounced around, and it confines to one spot. Kept talking calmly to him but the closed door seemed the finality that would calm him down quicker. So you see sometimes there is a need to remove to protect :)

A lot of shops use them down here and monitor from home. If I can find a link on a cheapish one I will post it for you.

Definitely video your DS.. they can dismiss virtually anything you say (or they see and then 'forget') but video proof is proof.

I would be very much on your guard tho now. While you have done the right thing asking for assessment , SW don't always get it right and probably with your DH's diagnosis and own MH difficulties, telling them you have locked a 3 yr old outside even for a minute, wasn't a good idea simply because understandable as it is ( I have shut mine in their room lots of times because the alternative would have been losing my temper!) they can flag it up as an area of concern with your ability to cope as a family rather than son's needs.
Be friendly but wary..

Personally I wouldn't advocate setting up your son to behave badly just so they can see; because however they assess they are going to do it over a period of time not from a few snapshots of behaviour.. and meltdowns are NOT part of the criteria for a diagnosis of autism. They will be looking for the triad of impairments.. social and emotional interaction,. social communication and language, and imagination and flexibility of thought... children on the spectrum , whether severely autistic or very high functioning , all have these impairments but they don't all have meltdowns.. some are very passive indeed, so it's not a diagnostic indicator.

Just a thought.. have you had a look at info on PDA at all (Pathalogical Demand avoidance syndrome) it's allied to ASD but children are superficially more socially able and manipulative; thinking about how your son can switch it off when he needs to...?

So sorry you are going through this:( Stay strong!

Yes DS is very very PDA and I mentioned this to the psychologist and although they agreed he was very demand avoidant they made it very clear they thought pda was a load of old tosh.

Thanks Leonie, will look that up.

The psychologist said some very odd things. Said that if DS had ASD it would show in the parents and she said we dont seem like we have autism so she didnt think DS had it. What a good test to apply. Told me and DH to "go back to work". Grrr. Must calm down and focus.

Who is this psychologist? Is she a clinical or educational psych? She sounds barking.

No not all parents of kids with ASD have even traits of autism. I've done those autism quotient tests repeatedly and always score low on them (ie very few autism traits) as does dh. DS1 is still severely autistic

Wow the psychologist is nuts. At dd's MDA meeting so second dx our paed said that although he suspected a genetic link for the autism he didn't feel that either dh or I showed any signs of ASD.
Ridiculous to think dx of the child depends on the behaviour of the parents IMO.

Thank you all. It is the clinical psychologist. He is being assessed by the clinical and educational psychologist.

Bought a spangly HD video camera today from argos for £60. Bargain. 8GB internal memory, takes two hours worth of film. Got some great film already and ive only been filming for ten minutes.