Adopted DS1 diagnosed with PTSD and undergoing EMDR Therapy (apologies, long story)

[DayDreamingDaisy]

DS1 (11) was diagnosed with PTSD (and some other long named stuff as well) in June. We knew his transition to high school was never going to be easy but never expected what has happened over the past 5 months.
Anyhow, he loves his high school, has a gang of mates that he travels on the bus with mornings and afternoons, they are all older than him but he seems to get along well with them. He hasn't formed any real friendships in school and we know this is an ongoing issue as he can be extremely demanding (his way or the highway and emotionally immature, bless him).
In October DS1 started EMDR therapy and I have to sit in with him in his sessions. Up until yesterday the work has been to prepare him for the therapy and to make him feel safe. Yesterday the real work started. The guilt and sadness he carries around with him is unbearable and heart breaking and I am so proud of how he coped yesterday and am very grateful to the CAMHS team that he is being given a chance to move on from this and hopefully to lead a happy life. The plus side to all this is that DS1 shows very secure attachment to me, looking to me for reassurance and cuddling up to me when things get tough in the therapy sessions.
School have put DS1 on Action + but the communication from SEN to the teachers seems a bit patchy and now the therapy is underway he is struggling in lessons and at times there is little or no understanding because his difficulties are not visible and because he is very bright and in top or second sets for most subjects so is expected to be "normal". I have rang them today to see what they can do to reiterate his difficulties and as I was on the phone to them he appeared in the SEN Co-Ordinators office during lesson time so he is obviously struggling again today. Now I am sat in my office panicking that he is all alone at school and needs me......
Life at home is not easy, DS2 (9) is also to undergo the same therapy once DS1 is through, but his issues are more grief and anger related and DH is signed off work until the new year as it has all got too much.
I feel as though I could stamp and yell and scream - everyone tells us we are doing a great job but I feel like a failure - no-one seems to know how to help us and my confidence as a parent is at an all time low as we face so much challenging behaviour from both boys.
Next week we celebrate our 7th anniversary as a family and both boys want to party! So that's good news too!
Sorry for the long moan but wanted to see if anyone has any advice or tips from their own experiences which may help us on our journey.

I dont know anything about this but wanted to write to you, I hope I dont say anything stupid. But: His anger and grief are about what happened to him before you, not about you. You havent failed him, the fact that he has such a secure attachment to you must surely be a huge seal of approval on the job you are doing.

It sounds like you are going through really tough times. Dont turn that inwards as somehow your fault. I think that helps us rationalise what happens to us because then we can feel we deserve to be punished. That makes more sense than that life can be a complete bitch for no reason at all.
Have your party, enjoy your sons, congratulate yourself for keeping it together (note every small achievement) and the therapy will hurt shortterm but hopefully really help longterm.

Thanks Firsttimer - I know you are right in everything you say, it just all gets a bit too much sometimes, I hate to see them struggling so much and carrying such a burden with them that I can do nothing about, other than reassure them they are loved (and the centre of my world) and we will all get through this together, as a family.
I know the journey we are on is a long one with no quick fixes or easy answers and I must start noting the little things that they do which are positive (and they do lots of positive things as well as the not so positive).
Thanks for helping me to re-focus.

things will go from bad to worse when therapy starts but will soon start getting better......you are all doing well in supporting each other, it will be a long journey i looked at it as a tunnel and you will soon see the light and be out the other end in bright sunshine....but you might get the occasional shower.