Am I being too harsh on DD and expecting too much?.......

[makemineaquadruple]

Morning all!

Firstly, for those of you who don't know, I have a nearly 5 year old dd who is at the "wait and see stage". School don't seem to think that there is a problem with her apart from her attention span can be low and she finds it difficult to make and maintain friendships. She's been seen and discharged by SALT'S recently and her behaviour has improved massively!! She's not had tantrums/meltdown in school since the beginning of summer, which is a huge step forward. When she was at pre school it was pretty much every session that she was tantruming.

The biggest thing about dd which makes her stand out the most, is her quirky and rather bizarre behaviour. For example, she likes to make people laugh and will often go off into a little fantasy world where she'll pretend to be a certain tv character. At school though, from what i've seen, children seem to be laughing at her not with her. At home, I have to admit I sometimes feel like i'm going mad when I hear the same thing again and again! At the minute for example, it's the alphablocks. I can't discourage it because it's really helping her spell and understanding how to put words together, but all I ever hear are things like " d-o-g...........DOG!! h-a-t...........HAT" and it really does feel constant. The thing is at home it drives me mad yes, but when we're out i'm ashamed to say, i'm quite embarassed and will often tell her to stop it. If I really believed she couldn't control it, of course I wouldn't do this, but sometimes I can get through to her and she will stop and other times it's as though she can't hear me and will just go on and on and on.

We went out for dinner last night and she kept bursting into song all the time and then talking absolute gibberish and waving her hands around everywhere. I can get really cross with her when she does this, but i'm not sure I should be. Like I say, i'm really not sure if it's something she can control or not. My parents just think she's funny and eccentric, but I usually sit there with my head behind my hands.

I suppose really I just want to know, should I just accept these quirks and ignore them, or if she can control them(sometimes) should I ask her to stop? Does it really matter. Her quirks aren't particuarly naughty, just "odd". But, I suppose if I don't tell her that what she does sometimes looks "silly" then how will she learn?

I would really appreciate your advice and experiences. Sorry for the length. Thanks for reading.

Anybody?

I hope everyone understands what i'm getting at here. I know it's difficult to comment when you don't know my dd, but I was really hoping for some advice/thoughts on this.

I need to make it clear that i'm not ashamed of my daughter in any way. I just wanted to know if it was right to try to try and discourage some of her behaviours. People often tell me to stop worrying and let certain things go, but I find it so hard to do.

I've grown a thick skin and am mostly oblivious now to anything odd tbh so probably not the best person to ask.

When ds was younger my handbag was always full of distractions just in case he needed to be less full on.

Now he has an ipod, a psp and a ds to keep him busy instead.

We did do lots of practise on quiet voices (mostly because he liked to point out bald heads loudly tbh) but other than that I'd pull out things to keep him busy.

I think you have to be the best judge really :)

DS has motor/vocal tics. At the moment it is still the throat clearing but also for the last two weeks there is a clicking noise that sounds a bit like a horse. It drove me bats at first but now I turn a deaf ear to it but the rest of the family are not impressed.

I try to distract him by talking to him on a different subject or asking him a question to break the cycle so to speak. Sometimes it works and other times it doesnt.

I do pull him up in public if he is too loud as in roaring or shouting and am currently trying to teach whisper talk. Or plainly saying I cant hear you properly if you shout or sing to loud etc.

He is sensory seeking and I know he cant help it but at the same time you need to try to teach them another method is preferable :)

I think your right to tell her if she can understand it, but you will have to replace it with something.
Sounds like delayed echolalia which dd2 has and drives me mad too. We spent the whole week of her shouting "potato" among other words
Some it sounds like stimming which both my girls do.
It may be cute and lovely now but wont be when she's 16 you can't stop them completely but maybe try and find replacement, but it's something that takes time and trail and error.

Agree with the idea of a replacement. Try and find out what she likes about it and make it into an appropriate behaviour. Easier said than done. My DS tends to teeth grind and tense his whole body as a stim which is hard to replace but he can be distracted sometimes. It makes me on edge too sometimes but he isn't aware and can't control it as yet if ever.

it's a hard balance, isn't it? as on the one hand you want them to feel secure,loved, accepted etc, but on the other hand, as Lisa says, what may seem cute and quirky know won't in ten years time.... I tend to try and relax at home, but to try and redirect/distract when out if DS is likely to bother other people/get in their way.

I find that using a book to make notes in most evenings has helped me a lot. I have the illusion of control and space and time to reflect on what went well or not so well each day.

Sometimes I lay out my comments in 2 columns, a positive list and a negative list. Other times I focus on what food ds2 has had or an issue like toothbrushing, showering or changing his clothes.

It's a good place to write down how I am feeling. I suspect doing this helps me sleep better too.

Thanks for the advice everyone! Sorry it's taken me so long to respond.

I think my main problem is knowing whether or her not she actually can help the bouncing and outbursts. If I knew for sure, then i'd just find a method, use it and move on. I fear that because I don't know for sure, then I could be doing her damage.

It's really helpful and interesting to hear some of your methods.

insanity, I understand why you've developed a thick skin to it. Sometimes I feel strong and I have an attitude of, she's my daughter, I don't care what other people may think or say about her. As long as she's happy and she doesn't notice the odd looks or comments she gets then who cares?! Bu then other times it upsets me so much to think that people think that my dd might just be "odd". There's still a hell of a lot of ignorance out there and usually it's completely innocent, but that doesn't stop me sometimes from wanting to knock out the person staring or tutting at my dd and then scoop her up and carry her away. Having said all that, the last bit I think is true of any parent, not just a parent of a child with SN.

lisa, what exactly is the difference between echolalia and stimming. I've not actually heard of stimming, but many people have suggested that dd has echolalia.

Thanks again everyone.

To be honest ds's autism is noticeable even without the stimming, he walks differently, he views things from the corner of his eyes, he's sixteen and is shepherded about by his mother so even if I stop his stimming he's noticeably odd.
If people notice ds doesn't so that's fine. If they notice and comment loud enough for me to hear they get me annoyed and I'll give them a tongue lashing
Ds now doesn't do anything that disrupts others so I feel justified in fighting his corner tbh.
I think people should practise tolerance, your dd is only small people shouldn't expect exceptional behaviour at that age SEN or not tbh.

insanity, whenever I hear negative or rude comments about dd I get so upset. Sometimes it's just pure anger and others I will actually end up having a few tears. To be fair, most of the time, it's usually other children who may staring or sniggering and although it still makes me said, I have to remember they're just children and that we've all done it at that age. However, when it's adults or worst still, other parents who are reacting to my dd's odd behaviour, I get furious!!! Especially when they can see that i'm struggling to calm dd down. It's completely kicking you while you're down and I would never do this.

echolalia is the copying of speech either straight away or delay, its normally from tv, what people they know say, or even the sound of birds.

Stimming is self stimulation/soothing to help the body and brain manage the things around them, normally when it gets too much. Things like hand flapping, clicking, rubbing, eye flicking, spinning , licking, touching and humming