Difficult position-need some reassurance

[jardy]

My ds is 23 and has SLD in addition to very challenging behaviour.He enjoys visiting a family for a few hours each sunday for which I receive DP.This family have bought a house and converted it into a respite facility.My ds also attends council run respite for 28 nights a year.Over the last few months I have felt ground down by my dss care.I really feel that the time has come when we should be looking at residential possibilities,probably a community home which is local . I work full-time and I am approaching retirement age.Tonight when the family dropped my ds off they asked if I would consider removing him from the council run respite and using their respite instead.I felt very awkward,as I like the arrangements the way they are. Its the convenience,the business like quality of it,also my ds is sociable and I like the way he can engage with the members of staff coming in.I suppose what I am saying is that after 23 years of relentless care I am exhausted,and if my ds is going to stay at home then the arrangements must suit me,his main Carer,obviously within limits,I would never send him anywhere where he is ill treated.The paper work connected with DP is not something I enjoy,and also the sense of obligation and gratitude to the family,is something I do not experience with the more business-like arrangements of the council run respite.
Let me have your thoughts please,sometimes though I think we need to be selfish,and by putting our needs first in a way we are also in a better place to continue to care for our children.Thank you.

my dd is younger (16) but I much prefer using a "proper"(for want of a better word, we use a school respite place paid for by SS, not council) than family situation.
you are right imo to put you and your family first. could you not up the respite at the council place?
one of the reasons i would prefer this is that with families. things can go wrong, (this happened to us and respite stopped with no warning) whereas with a council run place, yes staff change , but there is more stability

I would definitely agree that you should put your needs and your sons needs before trying to please anyone else! I can also identify with your feelings about obligation and gratitude for your ds care. I have also found this to be diffciult plus if arrangements with the family break down or they decide to do something else you are then in a more difficult position. I would be very direct with them and say that you think the current arrangements suit you better. My dc are still pretty young so I don't have any experience of care for older dc as yet but there are plenty of people on here who I am sure can give you good advice. I just wanted to say don't feel guilty about putting your needs up there as important!

sounds absolute right and sensible for you to prefer the established arrangement, which is less stressful for you, and your DS is happy at, than to change to a new arrangement just because it would suit the private respite facility better in terms of £££ for them.

I'd be honest and say that it's so hard to get any respite at all that having fought so hard for it you are loathe to rock the boat with the council and would prefer to stay in "if it ain't broke don't fix it mode" as you have no guarantee that you'd get the same number of hours/times etc covered any funding if you'd get under direct payments. Especially in the current climate where services/funding are being slashed all over.

It's their right to tout for business just as it's your right to stick to what is working for you. Bottom line is that you carry all the risks if a new arrangment doesn't work out, ultimately risking your child's welfare and your own health. Life is hard enough for you without creating problems for yourself.

Thank you so much seven cansu tocha and bochead
After feeling wobbly I now feel much stronger about sticking to my guns.
if it aint broke dont fix it describes my feelings exactly.Yes they are touting for business,no I do NOT want to change things,for lots of very good reasons.Your replies have empowered my response.I know it would not be right for me,and ultimately my son.Thank you.