When you 'notice things' about someone else's child...how best to approach it?

[redhappy]

Got talking to a mum at school today. She has a preschooler, and she apologised that he wasn't being friendly to my dd. I wasn't paying attention so I hadn't noticed but she was obviously conscious about it.

Anyway, she kept talking, and there were lots of little signs I recognised-speech delay, had to take him out of playgroup because staff couldn't handle him, rude/aggressive to strangers. Oh and he kept coming over to play with the wheels on my pushchair.

Doesn't sound so much on here. But later on I was watching him and it just all seemed to fit.

I don't want to upset her, and of course I may be wrong, but if he does need some support obviously I would like to be of help in pointing her in the right direction.

Any advice on how to go about it? I have only spoken to her once or twice. Our older dcs are at the same school, and her youngest has just started same nursery as mine.

He's such a sweet little thing! From what she said he's obvioulsy struggling with a lot of things

So I've noticed a few things with a lot of local children, I have to keep my mouth shut, and I let them approach me first.

I wish more than anything someone would have said to me they noticed some things weren't quite right! Ella was my first child so i knew no different and after she was seen by the pead and now everything going on the amount of people that say to me "well i thought somthing wasn't quite right!" i just wish being my friend someone could have said something don't get me wrong its not easy to hear and it may not be for the other parent but i just wish someone would have said something i might have been able to get things in place for my DD alot sooner she is now nearly 5 and this could have been sorted alot sooner i just needed somones honest opinion. xxx

Oh I'm really torn. It's just heartbreaking to think of everything we went through with ds and just to stand by whilst a little boy may be going through the same.

I think I'll try and keep it friendly, getting talking to her a bit more. Our older dcs are both in reception, so she wont know my ds has asd yet. I did mention his speech delay, and said 'oh my ds is like that, or did that' to things she said.

Will see her at nursery in the morning, think I need to get a bit more of a feel for him before I feel confident enough to say anything.

yes def. it is very difficult because no mum wants to hear there isn't something quite right, and even more difficult when you dont know them extremely well to be able to say something and know there response. i think it is doing the right thing by getting to know them better and slipping things in here n there do what ur gut tells you hun. xxx

you do need to tell her if you can, the SN world is a hard place.
I would be tempted to try and drop a few hints, build a friendship and go from there.
I had same with a mum at the school, whos dd is same age as mine, so we got chatting over the buggies, but i started noticing stuff and so we would chat for a bit more. I remember one day saying, "have they consdiered autism"? She said it was next on their list. A fewmonths later she was dx'ed and now goes to local ss.

When you said 'my DS is like that' did you also say 'and he has ASD'?

One of the things that stopped me from realising earlier that DS had ASD, was because he was exactly like my friends son. Only I didn't realize my friend's son had ASD!

I would try and get friendlier with the mum, and over time talk about your son and how he had speech delay and whatever, and then he got diagnosed with ASD and it was such a relief to know.

Eventually a different friend told me 'Your DS is exactly like my nephew who has Aspergers' - and I am eternally grateful to her for saying that.

You know what, it would have been better for my ds if someone had said something, even if I had got cross and ignored her, as it would have led me faster down the route I was already going but tentatively and scared.

The woman who eventually told me that she knew my ds had asd but didn't think she knew me well enough to say anything I struggled hard not to resent. How dare she put a couple of minutes of her own potential discomfort before my child's needs and deprive him of 6 months of intervention until I got round to figuring it out myself.

If I suspect now I say something. They might hate me at first but they will also realise that once they are over the shock they have a friend in me and someone who has trodden the path before.

Having said that I try extremely hard to be tactful and usually do nothing more than ask about het child and when she ecpresses her own concerns suggest she writes them down and goes to her GP just to be safe as if there was any small niggles the might get sorted before they become big niggles.

Hi Red
I think i'd want to know personally.

After all it's when the parent notices things that things start happening and I would rather a friend suggested it first than a medical person in a cold clinical environment.

You can be discrete about it. Maybe invite her her over for a coffee after drop off and start talking about disabilities in general, like how sometimes it's hard to spot things in your own child as you're not objective or something.
What I mean is make it like your story, not like you're saying it about her son.

If she wants she can then see her GP/HV or maybe look stuff up. But you've done your job and will be there for her if she needs support.

I wish dd1 nursery teacher had been more forward about her concerns I kick myself for not seeing the comment of "dd1 will do the same activity over and over" and "she refuses to consider new food" and how she doesn't play well with others!! I took a further 2 years to get a dx.

I'm so glad people would want to be told - my instinct with Other People's Children is to zip it shut no matter how recognisable the symptons.

Well done to you if you do mention it as tactfully and gradually as possible - but be prepared for some parents not to hear you. If the family doesn't act, the school usually will, so you can bank on yr friend's DS getting help at some stage.

If the family doesn't act, the school usually will, - are you serious? Not in most people's experience.... :(

The school will only act if the child is a problem to them, not simply because the child needs additional support.

Not really the entirely the schools fault. If they can chose between spending their delegated unringfenced SEN money on buying violin lessons for the whole class with the subsequent attraction of middle-class parents with children to bump their stats, or a TA for one struggling child who they have been trained to believe won't achieve that much even with help, they don't often chose the latter of their own accord.

My favourite to say to other mums in situation like this is " have you asked on the munsnet talk boards they are ever so helpful on there I've found xyz out on there about dd etc "

I was so grateful to the mum who said something to me; I'd been feeling guilty about comparing ds2 to ds1 and to be given permission to really listen to that little voice in my head that was telling me that something was up was such a relief.
BUT you have to give it as a gift, I think, without expectations. She mit be sad or angry; you can't know.

Oh I agree, you can't expect the mother to be especially grateful for your 'judgemental comment' but it isn't about that.

But cat, the reverse is true too. Some parents spend YEARS going from professional to professional being treated as neurotic. To find just one person in the world who understands or agrees there might at least be something and perhaps you are not neurotic after all can be nothing short of a miracle.

I don't think it matters whether the mum gets defensive or cross ( although I think it is important to try to be tactful). It is about giving that child a chance to not be one of the 15% of under 25s to have attempts or succeeded suicide.

I think though that it would be irresponsible for any parent ( or unqualified professional) to attempt a dx however, only to indicate a couple of things that merit further investigation and then signpost.

Under 25s with ASD.

Hi,

Do you mind if I ask a question, as I'm not too familiar with Autism or Aspergers; a little boy in my dd play group is displaying some of the symptons Red mentioned (noticeably the playing with buggy wheels and not being able to interact with others). However, instead of having language delays he has an incredible level of vocabulary, he's only of 21 months is already speaking in full sentences and can tell the difference between a square & a rectangle; does this sound like there may be something here, or have I spent too long in the SN world that I'm seeing things that aren't there? Thanks

Yes, you can have ASD and hav advanced speech. It's called Aspergers.

Thanks Indigo. So do you think I should say anything, or should I wait? he's only 21 months, is it too early to be able to diagnose? His mum clearly has no idea, she just things he's going through a 'naughty stage', but it's getting to the point where I'm one of the few mums who will still let their dc play with her ds, and to be honest I spend the whole time getting ready to swoop in and move dd out of his way if he starts to get frustrated or violent.

I would try an slip something into conversation if possible. It could well be an age thing, but might not be. Dd2 was about that age when we really started to notice the lack of social skills, playing alone, spinning and hand flapping. She however had lost language. We got 2 year check at 2, instead of 2.6 months, but she did pass most of it, apart from linning up blocks and language problems, so we were referred to salt but also CDC as I insisted.
It's a hard one, do you know her well enough to say something like "I have been watching little jimmy and there's something's that make me a little worried. I hope you don't mind me saying but I didn't want to leave it and see him struggle"

Thanks Lisa, I'm not sure. I know her well enough to go to a play date with other mums, but not really one on one. If I did voice a concern, who would I refer her to? DD has Down's so the diagnosis was fairly straight forward

Health visitor generally. If she's not happy with Hv, go direct to GP. LO would need to be seen by developmental pead