Do you worry about milestones?

[elliejjtiny]

Just wondering as someone I know said that it's only parents with NT children who panic about milestones and comparing their children's development with other children and that parents of SN children are all chilled and "he'll do it in his own time". This person has one NT DS.

I try and be chilled about it all but I do worry that my 10 month old DS3 (hypotonia) isn't sitting yet when my friend's ds the same age is walking with a walker. I sometimes put on a front and pretend I don't mind when my DS2 didn't walk until he was nearly 3. Maybe that's it. Maybe we put on our happy faces when we go out so that parents of NT children don't realise how much it hurts when their children and then their younger siblings overtake ours.

I used to worry when DS first started missing them, but then he started missing so many and got his DX I suppose I realised it was pointless.

It gets me down, but I dont worry because I know DS will get there in the end. Much later than he 'should' do, but he will get there.

I would say your friend is right in a way, I suppose alot of us are good at putting on a front.

sympathies, sounds like you have come across an unhelpful sugarcoater, of course SN parents are if anything likely to be more stressed about milestones, this "he'll do it in his own time" is the sort of "helpful" advice that had me feeling quite homicidal at times during the pre-school years. Along with "they all get there in the end" and any mention of Einstein in conjunction with speech delay. I found it easier to hang out with parents of several children or parents of older children to avoid the comparisons and boasting.

MincePie - sorry, crossed posted with you - the get there in the end comment was aimed at you, but at people who don't have experience of SN trying to be reassuring.

:)

shit - I meant "NOT" aimed at you!

Its okay, I guessed that.

elliejjtiny

There are varying types of SN parents, those who share similar issues as their SN children, and NT parents possibly whose partner shares similar issues, and the rarer NT couple who have an SN child.
Both my partner and i share our DC's SN issues so we of the opinion that they will either grow out of their issues or begin to develop their own coping strategies to work around their SN issues in their own time. We all have different subtypes of our shared SN disability, and different alternative compensating abilities or not to work around our issues. And we have all made different levels of progress as different ages.
So many so called milestones are superficial targets used by those who would like to be considered to be NT.

Thanks. We are the parents with SN as well which is encouraging in some ways as you wouldn't know we have SN until you get to know us well but as children it was more obvious (I have dyspraxia, DH has aspergers). I'm hoping that DS2 and DS3 will develop coping strategies as they get older.

I got a lot of "I know someone who didn't walk until 18 months and now they run marathons" With DS2 we've got to that stage where I tend to talk mostly with other parents with children who have SN or parents whose children are younger. With DS3 I haven't quite given up on trying to "fit in" so we get those "is he still not sitting yet" comments and the pitying looks.

Mind you in some ways DS2 is bright. Today I lugged my folded double buggy, 10 month old ds3 and 3 year old ds2 who can't do steps onto a double decker bus. While the bus driver sat in his cab and refused to help, DS2 kept up a running commentary. "Why isn't that man helping, mummy? How are we going to get off the bus when it stops? Why has the bus got steps? That man ought to help us shouldn't he?" etc etc while glaring at the bus driver. He'll go far that one . Or he'll turn into one of those old men who point their sticks at people and mutter about people having no respect for their elders

My daughter has developmental delays. I worried (and worry) about milestones. I think initially because I was trying t figure out if there was a potential problem or she was just a little late. I brought up concerns in playgroups and things but it was very frustrating, people want to be kind I guess so no one ever says 'yes she is behind take her to the doctors and get it checked'. It made me feel I was nuts or neurotic: why was I seeing a problem no one else saw?

Nowadays I realise its just a really difficult subject. I sometimes have someone trying to steer a conversation into that territory (my daughters delays are more obvious now) and you can see how difficult it is to say to someone: 'I think something is up with your child and you need to get it checked'. But most pf our friends know and I tell them with pride what she's accomplishing. (I dont tell them how sometimes it breaks my heart to see all the things their children can do that mine can't).
Now that we know she has GDD, I still watch for milestones. But because its progress and thats the most important thing right now according to the neurologists.
I dont put much weight on what people say - all the einstein stuff- I see that as people trying to be kind/polite, but basically I now assume they haven't a scooby. People who really know stuff approach it differently. They ask lots of questions about whats going on, what tests have been done etc They comment on what she does and how she does it and what that may indicate. Those people I listen to.

I think the worst thing for me I that we have no idea where this is headed. We dont really know how she will be in a year, two, or ten. And no one can tell us that

Like Firsttimer I worried sick about the milestones for the first few years. We didn't know how dd would be affected (by her brain injury) and so every milestone was a huge weight off my mind. The profs were always saying 'if she's not doing this by x then x will be the case...) so they increased my stress levels too!

I remember looking at dd (who has hypotonia in her trunk) sitting next to her little friend of the same age when she was well over a year old and she was still all slumped and her friend was poker straight. Still, I thought at least she is sitting - yay!!