Single parent, going back to work, is it selfish?

[1daffodil]

Hi
Am in a dilemma. I am a single parent with a severely disabled child who needs a lot of care, she is full time in school. I gave up my full time job over a year ago as it was becoming too much and I have recently gone back to work part-time. Unfortunately part time work is less well paid that full time and options for part time work are also limited. I have enough money to live on, can't save however quality of life is fine. Giving up my full time job, means I have lost my identity, unable to buy a property, provide for later on in life with pension etc. My child is happier however even though I know I did the right thing for my child I find myself becoming resentful that this will be my life. You might think my comments selfish however I would like to know if other mums have felt the same and if so did they decide to go back to work?

YOu need to do what is right for you and your child. If you feel that working full time is right and that said child is still going to be cared for just the same as they are now, then there is nothing stopping you.

I don't have a child with a disability, neither am I a single parent, so I don't know if I am really qualified to answer your thread! However, I have struggled a lot with my decisions over working full-time vs working part-time and have agonised over whether what I've done at various stages has been the right decision. Like you, I was unprepared by how much giving up my full-time 'career' job robbed me of my sense of identity.

However, I'm gradually coming to terms with the idea that we just have to do what seems right at the time. A year ago, it seemed right to give up your job, and your DD has benefitted from that. Now, it may well be right to get a full-time job again (for all the reasons you mention), and that doesn't invalidate your other decision, just means that now is a different time, and you and DD are at a different stage, and a different decision might be right for now.

Can you cope with working full-time? If your DD will be cared for well, why not? You don't have to prove anything to anyone but are you concerned that it will be unmanageable?

The main issue for me would be availability of childcare and lack of sleep as my DS doesn't and that would exclude me from FT work, especially during school holidays.

No. Especially as single parent you have still a lot of time with her in the evenings/mornings and on the weekends. If you are happier, than you DD will be happier, too and this way you are a better role model. I have been thinking about this a lot and tried a number of things along these lines.

I am a single parent and work full time with ASD DS nearly 4. Childcare can stressful but my DS is very happy at his nursery settings and I think it works well for us. I would not be able to provide as much for him if I did not work and we both enjoy evenings and weekends all the more. It is not selfish. You need to be happy and fullfilled too. In an ideal wrls I would work less but here you are I have not one else to pay thr mortgage bill and no contribution from DS father who does not work. I think go for it if that is what you want

I don't think your comments are selfish at all, I think it is a thing that a lot of people struggle with. I don't think that there's ever one 'perfect' solution either - something has to give, e.g. you work p/t and DC is happy and you get to do the care but you can't afford to buy a home, security is important to you and what's going to happen to DC if you're not there if you haven't saved or bought a home? VS you work f/t and you are fulfilled and materially things are a lot better but you're buying care in and that upsets you, and what if one of your carers goes off sick and you're exhausted because you're working your bum off.

That exhausted me just typing it out, let alone having to make a decision . I think Bramshott's post makes a lot of sense as well - what's right this year may not be right next year either.

I find having something else to focus on helpful. It makes me more patient and a better less frazzled mother when we do spend time together. Put effort into getting childcare that suits your child but dont feel guilty if working outside the home seems right just now for you do it

Thank you all for your comments, I was surprised at your feedback, kind of thought you would all say the opposite.
I agree with you Bramshott, a year ago I did need to give up work and reassess everything. My daughter is now well settled in her school and her medical needs are more under control.
I felt quite guilty thinking about working full-time however your comments have made me realise that I must do what is right for me too.
I know there will be lots of challenges on the way eg childcare and time will be scarce however I think that as a mum I will be in a better place. Thank you again for all your feedback.