I just nearly told Dd1 not to bother bringing DGD to mine tomorrow!!!:(

[Ineedalife]

A quick background, I have been looking after DGD since september, it involves her arriving at 8 am and walking Dd3 to school, then DGD come to playgroup with me [where I work], she eats her lunch there and then I take her to pm nursery at school where Dd3 goes. Then I go back to school at 3.30 and we walk home together. She is then at mine for anything between 10 minutes and an hour.

Ok so Dd3[9][ASD] hates it, she can't bear DGD in her space and is constantly kicking off. This week has been worse than ever and to cap it all Dd1 has shouted at her tonight for the way she spoke to DGD. Dd3 said [after they had gone] "Shut them out and I hope they don't come back"

I have asked SENCO for advice and she is brill but v busy and cancelled this weeks meeting due to illness.

I want to scream and don't think I can go on doing this

Anyone got any ideas?? Please

What are you looking for advice about?

How to handle DGD better?
How to handle DD3 better?
Or how to tell DD1 that this arrangement isn't working for you?

I'm not snipping, geniunely asking whether you want help to deal with the situation as it is or whether you want help to change the situation?

Good point Wilson, my main concern is that the situation is making Dd3 very unhappy. She has been having anxiety issues around me being in school at lunchtime with DGD.

I know Dd3 loves DGD but in her own way and on her terms. She is just not coping with any of it at the moment. I nearly gave up at half term but was advised not to by the SENCO because she felt that with support DD3 would be able to work through this, instead of me making the problem go away. IYSWIM.

I have to go to Guides in a minute, but if anyone has any advice I would be really grateful[sp] and will be back later

hmm, i think in your position, I would be trying to find ways to help her deal with it still,
if only because this is going to crop up again and again, there are always going to be things in life that she dislikes or finds hard to deal with, and if you can help her deal with those things now then it will be beneficial in the future.

that said, I also think that at home she needs to feel secure, and of course we all want to limit upset to our kids, esp kids with asd.

would it help if you could have a set routine when you get back home after school that involves DGD being elsewhere in the house while you settle DD3 down with something?
so, you get home, DGD sits up at the table with juice and snack, DD3 comes into the sitting room for a book/dvd and a snack.
she could maybe have some activities to do upstairs or something while DGD is downstairs?

Your dd3 has her morning knocked off balance, then struggles at school while dgd plays at your nursery and has lunch with you. After school she comes back with you and then monopolises the house and your attention for a variable but too-long period, while being non-specifically annoying to dd3 who needs down time and affection to recover from school.

'Sibling' rivalry writ large. any way dd1 can pick up earlier?

Ps I don't suggest the above is accurate anywhere except possibly dd3's head.

Maybe when you first get in from school you need to do something beneficial / nice for DS3, while DGD maybe gets plonked in front of the telly for a bit? Whatever works for DS3 I think has to have priority for that first part of the afternoon - essentially it has to be her 'turn'.

Thankyou soo much everyone, I have calmed down a little thanks to you all

thisis... that is exactly what the SENCO said, she felt that Dd3 needs to learn to work through some of her issues.

maria... I know what you are saying and I think you are right, that is how she sees it. As soon a DGD goes home she is fine. Dd1 is picking DGD up from school 2 days, so I just bring Dd3 home, she had to change her hours at work to allow for this so at least she is trying. Part of the problem is that Dd1 has empathy issues herself.

wilson.. that is what I want to do and I suppose I just need to give myself permission to do it. It is really hard to be a perfect parent and grandparent at the same time and at the moment I feel like I am making a hash of both jobs.

Thanks again .

i think it's absolutely fine to put DGD in front of a dvd for a bit when you get in. it isn't like she's doing it all day... give her a snack, put the tv on and give her 15-20 mins of that.

meanwhile you go with DD3 and settle her down and give her attention... win win!

hopefully!

Well, if they were both your DD's and you had spent the majority of the day with one of them, would you feel guilty about spending some time with the other when they got home?

DGD will be delighted at having some cbeebies time, she has a lovely full day with you, playgroup and nursery - good for her to have some down time while you focus on DD.

Mine struggle with the odd school friend back now and then, can't begin to think how we would manage 3 days a week.
Dd1 really struggles when she gets in from school and really needs some down time. On a nice day we go via the park, but if not we try and do something quiet.

We walk home unless it is absolutley vile weather, this gives Dd3 some time to let go of the school day but it is hard to even do that some days, when I am on my own.

I have decided that next week I am going to close the dividing doors in the living/dining room and stick DGD in the dining end with a DVD on the laptop or at the table with playdough, while Dd3 has her down time in the living room.

Thankyou all for not making me feel unreasonable, I have been trying to make Dd3 see that she is still important but I realise I need to make it much more obvious for her.

The last couple of days I have just felt like crying and last night was awful, but I know which way to go now.

that sounds a good idea.

hope the next week sees improvements for you all!

, things have taken a turn this afternoon. Dd1 is not happy with the way Dd3 spoke to DGD yesterday and basically thinks I don't want to look after her anymore. I tried to explain that I am finding it difficult to cope at the moment but am trying to get some help but she just said she is going to look for a childminder.

Shame because this will probably mean DGD not coming to playgroup anymore.
Feeling very sad tonight and pathetic. I am not used to not being able to manage.

Hope things were a bit better for you today x

you have done your best. you've done everything you can, but ultimately it's DD1's choice isn't it, and that's ok.
you shouldn't feel that you have to be a supermum/gran. You've looked after DGD, and you've taken your DD3's problems into account and you've tried to make it all work out.
if DD1 chooses to cut off her nose to spite her face then tbh you just have to let her! If she can't see that her sister doesn't mean to be unkind, and that you're taking steps to keep everyone happy then maybe this is for the best?

I think it can be hard when you're looking after children for your family anyway, heck there have been enough threads on MN over the years about it, but add in a child with special needs and it's always going to be more difficult.

It's a shame it didn't work out, but in the long-term maybe this is in everyone's best interests? You could always say to DD1 that you'd love if the childminder could bring DGD to playgroup?