please give me your thoughts at end of my tether

[thriftychic]

i have posted on here before about ds2 (i was called cheeryface then )

The trouble really got bad when ds2 went to high school , yr 7 . hes year 8 now.
even though he hasnt been diagnosed with anything wrong i feel there is. he couldnt cope with high school , his behaviour went totally mad , he couldnt seem to do the work even though he had done fine at primary and he was threatening to kill himself all the time.

been under camhs for a year , had some assessments done with the psychologist and all that came of it was that his processing speed is slower than would be expected for his age and his IQ is lower than would be expected , but not so much so that they can diagnose anything. after that all they have offered is for us to see some Guy called steve who will give us all 'strategies' to manage the behaviour .
He was originally seeing a woman but after only one session with him she decided he didnt like her and passed him on.

we havent seen 'steve' as he has been trying to ring me on the wrong phone number it turns out. when i got the letter saying he had been unable to contact me i was so mad (i had been waiting 2 months) and decided that ds2 had improved alot since we hadnt been to camhs. they were making him worse because he thought everyone thought he was mental. so, i havent phoned again.

but, things are really not right. i just cant understand ds2 . He has been constantly going on the internet with his phone. everytime i think i have stoppped him he finds a way again. i have let him keep the phone as i need to contact him.
but, thats not really my point. i seem to have no control no matter what i do. This weekend has been awful. when we discovered he had sneaked the phone up to his room again at bedtime and got the password for the internet again we took the phone off him and banned him from his xbox. but yet again he went berserk. he gets violent with me and and goes crazy. dh ended up grabbing him, things got really hairy and rooms were trashed . he ended up later crying for hours asking god why he had made him like this :(

he was back to being awful again the next day , and i have spent saturday really tearful. ds2 said he was sorry. tonight when dh went to say goodnight he was saying how sorry he is and then a couple of hours later i discover hes taken the phone from us and hes on facebook with it.
he is denying hes got the phone and the crap thing is that his behaviour is so bad that i am scared to challenge him sometimes .
this is actually coming across wrong i think but basically something isnt right with him and camhs dont seem to be the answer so what the hell do i do ?
:(

I would say you need to start making a diary of his behaviour. Then go back to camhs with that. Is school saying anything about his behaviour? Is he getting any support with his learning like some additional learning in a club or something?

With the phone business I would just take it away for good and get it out of the house. Buy him a cheap pay as you go for contact with him to and from school. I would make going on the internet on the computer (which you are easier able to monitor) a reward for good behaviour :)

is this the boy that was downloading porn and touched up his disabled friend, and you were concerned about him being gay, or are you a different poster? (sorry, the rest of the thread sounds v similar esp the phone stuff)

i'd be wondering why i hadn't contacted steve before now, personally. i think it's far more likely he would bond with an adult male than a woman at this stage in his adolescence. camhs haven't failed him - they haven't been given the chance to help him. yes, there was the bungled 'wrong number' nonsense, but that's always a risk with a referral

get back in touch with camhs and ask if steve is available. it may be that you have to go to the bottom of the waiting list again as you refused the service before, but tbh i'd be pushing for a cancellation.

there are going to be peofessionals that he doesn't 'click' with. that's faine. but if he's crying and asking why god made him the way he is, i think he does know deep down that he needs some help. you just have to hope that 'steve' can provide it.

re trashing the place etc - you could go back to the paed and ask for re-assessment, (to see if you can get an add/adhd/ odd/ as dx or discuss meds/ changing meds) but only if you are certain this isn't normal teen angst, which you seem pretty certain it isn't.

but you need to get to a place where you aren't afraid of him.

get yourself to your own doctor and discuss your own health/ mental health as a priority. he or she might be able to recommend some local teen parenting support groups, or some counselling. (or ads if you feel that might help - only you can know really)

on a slightly different note, where/ how old is ds1? if he is a positive role model in any sense, i would be asking him to help you with his little brother... sometimes an older sibling has more luck than a parent in these situations...