How do I deal with ADHD sons meltdowns? Its getting worse.

[sheepgomeep]

He's 12. His meltdowns are becoming more spectacular and he is now swearing and shouting at us all in rage and temper. He has kicked off 4 times today and has told me to fuck off motherfucking bitch, cunt you name it. He hates us all wishes me dead, wishes himeself dead. He's smashed up his room, knocked washing down, thrown stuff accross the room and kicked holes in the door and swung for me when I tried to grab him to try and get him out the room because my 1 year old dd witnessed it and was hysterical.

Hes vile to my 4 year old dd tell her to shut the fuck up all the time she is not allowed to speak in his presecence and will tell her shes an ugly fat bitch . Hw is obsessed with her and will follow her about the house to torment her

Now hes acting up in school (never used to but this week hes been very disruptive).

very jekyll and hyde, can be perfect one minute and the next i am left open mouthed in shock as he just flips.

please can I have some tips on how to cope with his rages because nothing is working and shouting back at him makes him worse. If I give him eyes contact he comes up to my face and screams in it what are you staring at??

Its affected my 3 daughters a lot and my 4 year old hates him and my 9 year old has been in tears because she hates it all

I am sorry I dont have any experience with ADHD and my son is only 6 so meltdowns are more easily dealt with (still hell tho)

I didnt want your post to get ignored as you are having one horrible time of it. Sending you hugs.

Is he currently seeing anyone for his behaviour/anger? Is he on any calming meds? The hormones will be well and truly kicking in at that age so maybe this is playing a part of it.

Only thing I can think of is removing your dear daughters and yourself from him rather than trying to attempt to remove him from a room.

Sorry I cant help x

sorry to say this but this isn't adhd behaviour.....i have 2 sons with adhd....has your ds been assessed for anything else other than adhd?....sorry don't want to offend but is he just attention seeking? maybe he needs some alone time with you when the younger ones are in bed....if you talk to him maybe he will open up eventually....might take a while but anything is worth a try.

odd would be my first thought, as well as adhd.

which meds is he on? sometimes the dose needs upping if it has been working for a while - sometimes time to try new ones, this common in early teens as growth and hormones play havoc with pre-puberty dosage...

there is a teens board that can help you with response to the attitude, but i would be going back to the paed to request re-dx and med trial if you think it is not purely behavioural and due to sn.

sheepgomeep have you tried posting on the SN board? many of us there have ADHD to contend with too. My son has massive meltdowns but is autistic as well as ADHD and I think it's a combo of the two which lead to his meltdowns.

My friend's daughter had Oppositional Defiant Disorder which was apparent when young.
Is it possble that this is the beginnings of puberty and teenage stuff? It's possible if he hasn't been like this before.
Any support groups near you?

I too would remove yourself and your children from his presence each time he kicks off and don't attempt to physically intervene as it may enrage him and you might get hurt.
I have house rules they used to be posted on the wall but mine know them all now and the consequences of breaking them alongside.Sometimes having clear rules and the same consequences every time can be very reassuring for kids with additional needs
I think there is a difference between a meltdown where your ds may not be in control of himself and him hounding your little girl tbh
I would be more understanding of the first but wouldn't tolerate the latter.
Who do you have to support you with ds's behaviour? Do you have a psychologist or a behaviour support team involved? Maybe school could refer you to someone who could help.
Is he on medication? Maybe it needs reviewing?
I would contact as a matter of urgency whichever health professional is involved and ask school to back up your need for an urgent appointment too

Puberty can be very tough for kids with ADHD - we have really upped our sons physical activity as its the only thing that really seams to work for stress and have also had repiridone prescribed for the aggression.

Finding and then trying to limit his triggers is also another thing you can try along with the previous excellent advice

My Ds13 alos 'targets' hi 7 year old sister who is a chatter box ! - We now ask hi m to go to his room for an hour when the little ones come home so they can chat about their day and unwind a bit before they have to interact with each other.

I'd second the post that suggested you post this in SN. My son is 11 and has AS and ADHD and he is becoming increasingly violent. He regularly attacks his 12 year old sister and is verbally and physically abusive to her and me. He is also very destructive. I have heard of children with a dx of just ADHD showing this type of behaviour but I think its far more common when combined with an ASD. MY ds will say that its the ADHD that is his biggest problem but I disagree. I think its his Aspergers that causes his anxiety levels to constantly be so high that he is hyper and impulsive and that this frequently spills over into rages.

Are you getting any support at all? Do you have a social worker, does he have a paediatrician or a statement?

Thank you all so much for your replies. Ive just come home from work and have just sat down with a cuppa to write a reply.

Firstly he isnt statemented, I dont even know what that means really because his work is average for his year group according to his teachers. In primary school he had outbursts but they were managable the teachers there were great with him and knew what wound him up and what he could do. High school seems so different and more impersonal.

Ive always suspected he may have a form of asd because he showed asd traits as early as 2. He wouldnt interact at playgroup with the other kids and it was mentioned again when he went to nursery as he wwould obsess over 1 child. he would follow this child around all the time, pulling at his clothes touching him. Until this boys mum complained and I had to bring ds in later to school everyday to avoid this problem in the playground.

He was assessed for aspergers at 3 but because he behaved in that appointment he was sent away and we were told it was our parenting.

Things got no better in fact by the age of 6 his teachers strongly urged us to get him assessed for ADHD which we did and he was diagnosed with adhd later that year. CAMHs have been crap tbh. very little support and same with social services, little support there either.

We are under the TAC team at the moment and all they can do is blame my parenting because up until a week ago his behaviour was ok in school. Now he cannot seem to control himself in lessons, he is disruptive and rude.

I cannot seem to make any health proffesional take me seriously because he seems to be able to hoodwink them all. They tell me he is mature for his age and can chair the TAC meetings and can be articulate and likable but as soon as we are on our own especially me and the girls he is VILE.

His dad (who I have been seperated from for 7 years) came to pick him up yesterday and saw for himself what is going on. Ds had a meltdown because we asked him to take his uniform off so it could be washed. (He hates getting out of his unifrom and sleeps in it if I dont make him remove it) and stormed off and we couldnt find him for a while. He is so paranoid that we are all talking about him, its getting to the point where we really do have to be careful what we say and how we say it as things are taken so literally. He also like to be in control of us all the time, he wants it all done his way, is very forceful and my girls are scared of him.

He's recently had his meds upped though and if anything he's worse. I have got a CAMHS appointment in 10 days time so I will be mentioning all this to them. Hes gone to my mums for a few days as there is absolute peace there and the school is only a walk round the corner. My mum can handle his meltdowns thankfully

The problem with removing ourselves from his prescence means he follows us about the house to hurl more abuse. I went in the bath before after making sure the girls were safe and he actually unlocked the door from the outside and barged and stood there screaming at me. And wouldnt get out. He invades space all the time and cant grasp that personal space is something he needs to adhere too

Can you record on your 'phone what he's doing to show the health professionals? It sounds harsh, but they obviously need a kick up the bum.
The other thing is, have you looked at diet? We found with Dd2 that sugar was a big problem, not so much the 'high' but the come down afterwards was really, really awful.

Does he get hungry all of a sudden? ds2 used to get aggressive, nasty, and frightening. I would make his favorite food and with no eye contact or speaking I would put it down next to him.

Has anything changed at at school? Is another child bullying him?

Can you make a point of smiling at him and using a kind nickname when ever you see him and he is in a good mood? In some way increasing the number of positive interactions between you two right now before any dx or professional help materializes. I found having some sense of control over the situation helped me.

I would get myself and my other son out of his way into my son's room, or we would be in the kitchen holding the door handle shut while he raged the other side. I spent a lot of time explaining that this was not in any sense normal while we waited for ds2 to calm down.

I handed ds2 to mil several times too. She never questioned it.

Hi Sheep. The recording idea is a good one but can actually be used against your request for support as in "if you managed to record his meltdown it couldnt be that bad" etc. The whole system sucks. If you were behaving in this manner there would be numerous agencies available and ready to get involved but when its a child theres nothing. We have the same problem.

Im having a shit day so not going to be much use to you today but if you PM me I promise I will reply as soon as I feel able and I'll try to help you as much as I can and share with you the advice and info I have been given so far.

oh poor you,my heart goes out to you,
my ds id 7 and we have had and still have what you are going threw,he has adhd....
we are controlling him so well of late,
when i went to see the pead about a year and a half ago a demanded i get some help as we just couldnt cope any longer,in fact,i could have left my ds with her and never looked back at the time,
the pead sent a lovely lady to our house,she came a went for 6mnths,the 1st 3mths she came once a week,she helped us redo our house rules,she made new reward charts,she taught us how to talk to him when he was in a temper,calm him down,etc etc,it was hard to hear alot of it,but,we did,we had no choice,we want him to improve,and he has improved.dont get me wrong,its still very hard and we are still faced with all the meltdowns and bad words,we just deal with them quicker and everything is calmer quicker,
the one thing she made us do was sit down every eve with him,no tv on no distractions and have "special time" with him,were we had to play or do whatever he wanted,we had to follow his lead,and we were not allowed to use the words no or dont,we could ask,would you like help etc....we had to do this for a min time of 15 mins a day up to whatever we could spare,we then gave him a timer to see when the "special time" was ending,
it took i would say the best part of 6-9 mnths to see any improvment,and its still working,
maybe you could speak to your pead and see if they could offer you something like that?
i hope this helps you
good luck,

I'm just looking into ODD as it describes my child perfectly. She is 12 and her anger is getting worse. She only seems to direct it as her closest family. If she has a sleepover or a day with a friend she is good as gold. School is also fine, she is not a perfect student but I have never been called in about her behaviour. She too will follow me round the house to shout and curse. but I can still control her (luckily I'm very strong for a woman and she is a girl). I do worry what will happen when she is older and bigger tho.
Your son sounds very similar except sorry to say a bit worse, I really feel for you because after 22 years of parenting, I'm now emotionally exhausted. You must be too. Its good that he can go to your mums for you to have some rest.
I have a younger child too who does get some of her aggression but luckily its not too bad.
The worst thing is she can be such a lovely person, then bam. she has flipped for no reason. I keep up punishments and rewards for good behaviour but nothing changes when she goes into meltdown.
I would check to see if your boy has ODD co morbidly with ADHD.
Maybe there is another treatment or counselling he could receive.
I hope you get some help with this. Must be so difficult for you. x

Here's a list of symptoms for ODD
The key behavioural symptoms of ODD are negative, hostile and defiant behaviour. For ODD to be diagnosed, symptoms have to have been present for at least six months and involve four or more of the following:
often loses temper
often argues with adults
often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults? requests or rules
often deliberately annoys people
often blames others for his mistakes or misbehaviour
often touchy or easily annoyed by others
often angry and resentful
often spiteful or vindictive.
To be classified as ODD, the behaviour also has to have caused a significant degree of disturbance to home, social or school life.

Hope it helps x

In the general population, ODD is believed to affect about 16 per cent of people. It?s common for it to co-exist with ADHD, especially as children get older.
In fact, figures suggest between 35 and 50 per cent of those with ADHD also have oppositional defiance disorder.

He sound like my son who has aspergers, and also worse as gets older. nearly exactly the same scenarios, and I don't know what to do either. although he is calmer this weekend

the thining you are looking at him in a way that intends malice sounds A.S.D and the having meltdowns.and the following you trying to keep arguing as he can't self calm,and the invading your space, bullying his sister, obsessing about her and things. not wanting to change clothes, we also previosly got told he didn't have it as he passes the test where they show them pics of facial expression adn he got them all right on paper. but not in real life. I didnt think he had it until i read from cover to cover tony attwoods book about aspergers syndrome and there I found my son, its the big book green with shells on the front. especially the parts on anger agression.

Just seen this message Sheepgomeep and had to post as scenario so similar to my DS now aged 15. He has Aspergers but not ADHD. Was told when he was 8 that he def wasn't ASD and then when he was 10 that he def is! If your DS behaviours appear ASD to you than he may well be. I would suggest you look for local support groups for ASD / ADHD and try and go along - many are run by professionals who can be extremely helpful. Whereabouts in country are you?

not just adhd. And why on earth would they not realise the significance of having to let a child of 12 chair a meeting... surely proves your point about control issues.

one bit of peculiar hope: another lady at our asd/adhd support group said that once her dd started to kick off at school, home was a much nicer place. When they complained about the dd throwing chairs etc she liked looking puzzled and saying 'we don't have that at home any more, maybe you need to try clear boundaries and praise the positive '

Hi Sheep

I could have written your post myself, word for word. My DS1 is also 12 and during his most recent meltdown he punched a picture in a glass covered frame, this was on the wall in the empty dining room after having removed him from the kitchen because he was scaring our 4yr old DS2 and 1yr old DD, unfortunately he cut the side of his hand to ribbons and we had to go to dr's to get it checked (nothing major)

Can I ask, are your other children from a newer relationship? I only ask because my DS1 is from a previous relationship and the younger two are my husbands, and I do think there is a lot of jelousy regarding attention that the younger two recieve, DH doesn't discriminate intentionally but he does, understandably, get upset when the smalls are upset and this drives a wedge between DH & DS1, also DS1 doesn't understand that small children are very demanding, nor should he I suppose, not his concern, but that doesn't make it any easier.
I do agree with the posts that suggest spending 1-2-1 time with him, but.... it's not so easy when you feel like you are being punished by the child in question, I end up feeling like I have to do it, and not because I enjoy the time with him, the more I give the more he takes as well, eg. We've done that for an hour, now can we do that?

I saw CAMHS on Monday and they can't think up anymore answers than we already have, no other alternative routes of disapline, so we are stuck, he is on Atomoxotine 60mg daily for ADHD and also Rispiridone 1.0mg daily for the psychotic episodes (0.5mg am & 0.5mg pm), he has ADHD & Frontal Lobe syndrome with Autistic tendencies, the only reason they wouldn't fully diagnose ASD is due to the Frontal Lobe Syndrome, though I am reasonably sure the ASD was pre-existing.

The other thing that I had thought may be playing a part in DS1's current behaviour is the change in school (primary to secondary) though he is in a Special School there are still new everything to deal with and he may be over loaded. Has your DS gone up this year or is he a younger yr8?

Sorry I can't help more, believe me I wish I could as I really do understand the hell you are in.

Meant to say DS1 is also very controlling with us at home, but puts on this charming front to all those not living under the same roof, even when people visit us at home, if DS2 age 4 won't comply with his game in the way he wants it played he will deliberately hurt him, this was how the picture smashing episode got started.

Hello - just wanted to check in re how you are getting on?