Feeling sad and confused - ASD

[PipFEH]

Had a long conversation with one of the ladies from my son's nursery today. She wanted to talk to me about his development and seemed to be skirting around something so I came right out and asked her if she thought he has special needs - she replied that she has a feeling about him and he does much that is not typical of a 3 year old (he has just turned 3). I mentioned ASD and she said that this is what she is thinking. She is one of the older members of staff, very professional, comes across as intelligent and is a qualified Montessori teacher, so not one of the younger nursery nurses iyswim. Around the time of his 2 year check the hv also seemed to be asking questions that alluded to autism and he is certainly a bit 'quirky', so it wasn't really a surprise. He has had some language delay, but now speaks reasonably well. She was more concerned with his social development - lack of eye contact with other children (he makes eye contact with adults), desire to play alone rather than with others, unsure how to join in and so on. She also mentioned that he doesn't really 'get' the give and take aspect of a conversation and often totally blanks questions.

He has other little traits too - he is very funny about certain routines (though not everything), he is sensitive to noise, he flaps his arms around, is really into trains (and tunnels), learns the words to his favourite dvds off by heart and has an incredible memory in general. He is quiet rather than disruptive and a very kind, sweet boy - very affectionate to me, hubby and his 2 siblings, grandparents and ket workers at nursery. He doesn't have tantrums (never really has) and is rarely 'naughty'.

I don't really have a gut feeling about it - I used to be adamant that he was fine and would do things in his own time, but now wonder whether I've been in denial. I can see how people may think this about him - there was no shock aspect to the conversation, I just accepted what she was saying and understood. Not sure how to proceed/what to do - my instinct is obviously to protect him, I just want him to be happy and remain happy moving forwards.

Well, a dx takes forever to get. So you might as well go to your GP, tell her nursery, you and the HV are concerned that your child might have ASD, and ask for a referral to a paed.

Eventually you'll get to see the paed. Then she'll almost certainly want to see him again in 6 months time before she makes any kind of a dx.

So a year later you may or may not have a dx. And by then you'll have a much clearer feeling of whether you think he does or doesn't have it......

Oh poor you - I was exactly where you are about 18 months ago (when ds had recently turned 3) - is he/isn't he? Lots can be explained away by being a boy/just quirky/but other children do that too/he'll grow out of it/just shy etc etc.

Like you, I wasn't exactly in denial about my ds's behaviour/development, but it was only when his keyworker at his nursery talked to me that I realised that, regardless of what a diagnosis/label would be, he needed some help. The HV at his 2-year check had also asked a few questions which of course in hindsight were leading - but she was spectacularly crap and didn't follow anything up, so I continued to bury my head in the sand and make excuses for him.

None of us can say whether he is or isn't, of course. But if a (trusted) member of nursery staff has raised concerns, which you kind of knew anyway, it is probably worth following up. Talk to HV and ask for referral to developmental paediatrician. This will almost certailnly take a long time, so in the meantime look into ways of helping him the areas which he is having most problems.

IMHO it sounds like his language/understaning might be causing some difficulties - looking blank at questions, not sure how to converse, echolalia etc. This will certainly be having an impact on his interaction. This doesn't mean straightforward language delay exactly, but social communication, which is a different thing.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, though, honestly. The more I write the more actually he sounds like my ds at that age. He was dx with ASD a year ago at 3.6. We started ABA (Verbal Behaviour) before he was diagnosed as we had accepted he needed help. A year later he is unrecognisable - at the time he had quite seriously impaired interaction esp with peers, poor play skills (ie imaginative play), no friends, unable to have proper conversations, tantrums, obsessive, ultra-controlling behaviour. He is now extremely chatty never shuts up in a sort of normal way if a bit quirky, has amazing and genuine friendships, plays with other children, is compliant (mostly), has brilliant imaginative play, and though still has some difficulties (anxiety mainly) tbh might not even get a diagnosis now.

The best thing you can do is look at exactly what his difficulties are, and how to help these. IM(VH)O he might certainly benefit from ABA (Verbal Behaviour) so it would be worth looking into this. I'm sure others will have more suggestions too.

Worth looking through old threads on this board too.

Sorry for long reply! HTH.

Sorry have just read that back and it seems to be all about me

I just meant to tell you all that to show that regardless of how bleak things seem now (and we all know that cold-pit-in-the-stomach feeling ) there really is so much you can do to help.

Sorry you are dealing with this. Think this way though, he is still your special, happy boy contented with his family whatever issues he may or may not have.

The nursery are good in coming to you early with their concerns that shows they are very observant and obviously care about the children in their care.

Because they have mentioned this early means you can see your GP early and express theirs and your HV concerns along with your own. It does take a long time for a diagnosis but the earlier you start the sooner you can get help in assisting your son before he gets to big school where his issues could cause him a lot of distress :)

Hiya, based on our experience I strongly suggest get the dx process undergoing or even consider a private diagnosis if you have insurance.

We were in the same boat last year when DS was 3, he is a very individualistic, own agenda boy. All quirks you have listed but it was always on the borderline, Yes his speech was delayed but if he wanted something he asked ( including strangers ), rituals but not fixated, isn't very social but in a right setting he would play with another child. Nothing that stood out as ASD trait. I was two minds about his development, but my DH was in complete denial about it and he grew up close to his severely autistic cousin!
Most people saw him as little quirky but very bright, like a little professor. Now at the age of four his quirks do show out as traits. dx is still on going, dev paed thought he is ASD, we went private, it turns out he is on the spectrum.

The assessment has helped us a lot in dealing with his uncertainty. label or not we now know some of his quirks are impairements and need to addressed, he wouldn't just grow out of them. We know with right help he would get there. I do regret not picking this up sooner.

All I am trying to say is - best to get him diagnosed. hopefully he is just shy, will grow out of it soon. Another child who started speech therapy with my DS turned out just shy, needed little encouragement and now he wouldn't stop talking. Good luck...

Thank you for your responses, it really is very helpful to hear from others who have been in a similar situation where their child is somewhat 'borderline'.

My hubby and I spent a lot of time discussing this last night and we can definitely see why there is a question mark, but there are lots and lots of positives too. He doesn't demonstrate any particularly negative behaviour for a start - he is very laid back and very happy. Obviously I want him to stay happy, so if he needs help we must get it for him. I wanted to wait until after Christmas to pursue things but my husband says straight away. We do have BUPA, so I guess we can just call them and see what the procedure is. We are off to play with friends now, so I am going to keep a proper eye on him and see how he interacts (rather than drink coffee and chat ). Will get the ball rolling next week I guess.

Thanks again.