So much for improvement, things falling apart completely

[Triggles]

God this makes me crazy. DH is going to GP to be signed off work again for depression as he is unbelievably stressed out. I think it was kicked off over this last weekend's events (long story) but he has come unglued twice this week, and as far as I am concerned, last night capped it.

I spoke to DH at length this morning, as DS2 is really struggling in his behaviour, very out of control right now, and I think a lot of it is to do with all the stress and turmoil in the house. DH is a walking powder keg, I'm stressed to the eyeballs, and DS2 is all over the place. (DS3 is in the midst of his "no" stage and the terrible twos, so will happily act up no matter what's going on in the house ) I told DH that for DS2's (and frankly DS3's also) well being, he needed to make an effort to keep things more on level and routine for the boys, as they were reacting badly to everything lately. He completely loses the rag and says I'm demanding that he just "get over it" (meaning his depression). I in no way said that - I simply said he needed to make the effort for it to have as little effect on DS2 (and DS3) as possible as they are just children and need stability and security. But according to DH, I am being unreasonable and putting too much pressure on him by asking him to simply act more like a normal person in front of the boys.

It is looking more and more like I will need to insist he leave the house and go stay with his mum or sister nearby, as I cannot sit back and watch DS2 fall apart because DH is not willing to make him a priority. And mental health issues or not, surely he should be able to recognise (when told outright) that the children's needs are important? I admit at that point I got aggravated and told him to quit making it about him, that it was about DS2 as he is really struggling right now. I have told DH that because he is so stressed and cannot cope with the children that I will not be leaving the children alone with him, so he is angry with me anyway. But I have my reasons (which I won't go in to) and I will not back down on that. I'm going out for a few hours tonight, so DD has agreed to watch the boys, and I'm dropping DH off at his mum's for a few hours.

I think he is trying to make me feel like I am BU, but I just don't think I am. AIBU? (and god no, I am not posting this in the actual AIBU, as I'd get savaged, I think we know... people here on SNs see things a bit more clearly).

No you're not. You're keeping things all together really well and putting your children first under tremendous pressure, so pat yourself on the back!

I know what it's like to be accused of being 'unsympathetic' about MH problems - it's very frustratrating. Get his mum and sister onside. Between you, you can persuade him that staying away for a while will improve his health/aid his recovery, etc.

Then, get lots of RL support (- a local carers' association? parent group?). It's vitally important that you keep well and feel supported during this difficult time.

Oh, and things will get better!

triggles, yanbu to want stability and a stress free home for you and the dcs, it sounds unbelievably hard atm for all for you. I know with depression that it can be incredibly hard to see things the way they really are, may be he'll see things differently as he starts to recover, are they doing anything else for him? Not that that helps you at all ((((hugs)))) I hope this means you are all recovered now?

thank you both. No NHS not doing anything else for him. He still hasn't been called about setting up the counselling by phone that he signed up for 3 months ago. They just keep saying "you're on the waiting list, it'll be awhile" and that's it. Not very helpful at all. If he's going to get counselling, we'll have to pay it ourselves, which we really can't afford, but what else can we do?

Recovered from the stomach flu? Well, yes for the most part. Still tired, but let's face it, I was tired prior to getting ill.

I don't have time for a local carer's group or parent group - nor do I have childcare for it either. I'm just worried he's going to drag my mental health (and that of DS2's) right down along with him if things don't change really quick.

Add to it that one of DS2's TAs (not the primary one thank god!) doesn't seem to be coping with him very well lately so I'm going to have to speak to her privately and find out if something's going on there. She's been quite short and fairly negative about his behaviour lately - including saying she "needed an injection to patience to deal with him today" as she told us yesterday, after telling us he was defiant all day. She sometimes acts a bit put upon, and I'm going to be very clear - if you can't handle him or can't cope with his needs, the school will need to find someone who can.

Good for you, Trig, it sounds like you're developing a healthy 'take no shit' attitude that will serve you and dcs well. Can DH's family or DD not babysit occasionally - just so that you can get a bit of time-out?

Your MH (and physical health) is so important x

Awww Triggles :( I dont know what to say apart from that you are definately not being unreasonable. You are looking out for your children and trying to protect them that is not wrong.

Depression is such a hard thing to deal with. Unfortunately from experience (when I had it) The shutters go down and you can only see your own problems and cant see how it is affecting anyone else.

I would definately insist he moves out to his mums for a break for both him and the DCs. His meds are obviously not working and its been a while now hasnt it? He needs to seriously get some help in the meds department and maybe the space at his mums will let him recuperate and get back on track and give you and the DCs a chance to chill away from the stress for a bit. HUGS xxx

since he doesnt seem to recognise how bad he is, would you be able to persuade him to go with you to the gps on the basis of "well, if you dont think theres much wrong then you dont mind us going together", (where you can then spill the full beans and hopefully gp will take it very seriously and medicate accordingly.) - could you swing it?

Alternatively YOU can go and see gp and explain the situation - they wont be able to act on what you have said now, but when he does see them they will be able to have the real problems in mind (which he is either unaware of or not willing to tell the gp)?

xx

pleased to hear you're feeling better Do you think dd may be able to help out a bit more? I can see why you're cross with the ta as well when she's meant to be supporting him, if it's too much she should let someone else take over.

He's got an appointment for Tuesday with the GP - it's the soonest he could get in. He NEEDS counselling, but we just can't seem to get it. I've tried 3 times to get him counselling. First one was phone counselling, which didn't help at all, but I'm hoping it was the counsellor and not the counselling itself. The second said she couldn't help him but would refer him to someone who could, and then didn't. The third was supposed to be an almost done student, who was starting to see patients, but after jerking him around somewhat, cancelled abruptly after one meeting and said she couldn't help him. Now he's very reluctant and I'll probably have to drag him screaming to counselling.

I'm going to wait until just before his appointment Tuesday and then insist I go along and make sure he's explaining how bad it really is. I think with men they don't like to admit it, but he did say that last's night behaviour scared him a little. It was bad, and I told him if there was ever a repeat he was out of the house permanently.

Flipping heck, Triggles. I've got nothing to add, I'm afraid. Just sending some (((hugs)))

He's agreed to go stay with his sister for a couple days. He made the comment that he was worried that if he did, he'd come home to find all his stuff neatly packed for him to move out. Good. I want him to take the time to think over the next couple days about how important the boys and I are to him - he needs to put us and his getting well as a priority ASAP. I imagine his job will be down the toilet at this rate. sigh But he can get another job at some point, right now he needs his sanity (and I need mine).

Here's hoping this will give him the chance to realise what's important and have enough of a break from the stress to see what's been going on from a more objective view.

oh FFS!!!!!!!!!!!

If you can believe it, DS3 just threw up everywhere about 30 minutes ago. He seems alright now, so settled him and tucked him in bed. But at the time, I told DH that if he continues vomiting, that I will have to stay home and he'll either have to wait until tomorrow to go to SIL's house or find his own way over by bus.. and he threw a strop and said that I was jerking him around!! I can hardly leave the boys with DD if DS3 is vomiting all over the place. We'll see how he does over the next 30 minutes. He was hungry after he threw up. Is that a good sign?

Perhaps he missed the projectile vomit? I swear to god if this weekend ends up being a repeat of last weekend where we're all vomiting again, I'll not going to be amused. And I WON'T be calling DH to come back either. Jerking him around indeed.

Alright. Managed to get out for a couple hours. DH is at SIL's. Just relaxing a bit before bed. DS2 was quite upset as he realised DH was leaving with a bag, but DH explained to him that he was just visiting for a few days and would be back.

I was hoping this would allow DS2 to caml down a bit, without DH ranting and shouting so much. Hopefully it won't mean DS2 is obsessing over "where is daddy, when is he coming home" all weekend.

Hope DS3 is better now bless him. It will do you all good to have a break and get out the difficult atmosphere.

Just say to DS2 dads only gone on holiday and Dad said he can phone him in 2 days or something as he will be by his phone. Give him something to aim at. Perhaps a good chill out and he will settle at school a little on monday xx

Hope you get a good sleep what a hectic day!

coff33pot - yes, DS3 is better, thank you. I think it was a case of too much snacking in the afternoon.

Today has been good. I've managed to get 4 loads of laundry done, 2 of which are still hanging outside (for as long as I can manage until it rains ). I've picked up the living room, although I'll have to wait to hoover until DS3 gets up. Cleaned the kitchen, and made 2 loaves of banana bread. And done a fair bit of ironing (although still some to go, think I'll finish the rest tonight while watching telly).

Took chicken out to thaw for Sunday, and think we're going to have burgers tonight as I got some fresh bread rolls on the way home from the school run. A friend popped over for coffee, and had a nice chat. Now relaxing with a salad while DS3 takes his nap. Yay! Feeling good so far. Planning on playing on the Wii with DS2 this evening for a little bit, and then after he goes to bed (and before the ironing ) I'm going to try my Zumba for Wii.

Hopefully DH is relaxing some and able to feel a bit more like himself without the added pressures today. (he's still at SILs)

Wow you have been busy!

Nice to see you more positive :)

Shame DS3 isn't. He could whinge for England today. yeesh.

Ah, well. Wish it'd snow today, that'd really top my day off nicely.

Been away this week, so hadn't caught up on back threads when I posted last night on the Friday night thread... feeling a bit ... . can see this has been crappy week, (am still glad yesterday was an improvement,)

Can really relate to the 'self' focus of depressed dh btw. First Husband had depression and told me I was 'oppressing him as an individual' if I had any expectations of him, (and they were very low key basic being part of a family type expectations.) .... I am really hoping that this time apart has been valuable for all of you... sending you good thoughts,