So I won the war and ds is miserable

[insanityscratching]

Ds has done two full days at independent special school and last night we got a letter (his method of communication) He hates it, he's unhappy, it's not academic enough, lunchtimes are too long,he spends too much time waiting etc etc Basically he has a negative view from the minute he arrives until he leaves.

This isn't something new he would be unhappy with a list of complaints wherever he went the only difference would be he'd tailor his misery to fit the placement and he wouldn't have the opportunities that his current placement would give him and I wouldn't be so convinced that the placement is exactly right for him.

I love him dearly but the constant misery is draining added to the fact that I have had months of stress and aggravation to get what he needs and rather than being able to just enjoy the fact that after 6 months I can enjoy the fact he is being supported elsewhere and should be able to enjoy the respite instead my head is spinning and worrying about ds as always.

What I want to do is tell him he has to suck it up (and I might well do that) and try at least to put some effort into getting something out of his time there and I am never going to agree to his suggestion which is to just stay home and write his book.

He writes he doesn't want to be independent, or have a job or friends or anything else that I want for him and that the school will give him the skills to have a chance of some sort life but of course that's because he is afraid rather than any comprehension of what a miserable life he would have if he didn't do anything.

No advice needed I suppose, it's more of a moan and the crushing realisation that I'm signed up to this sort of drudge for the rest of my days no doubt

He has to suck it up and he needs to know it.

Can you work on getting him to take responsibility for changing some of the things he finds hard? Can he mentally split up the lunchtimes? I. E Eat the lunch a bit later so it doesn't drag afterwards?

Is he so used to you fighting on his behalf he's feeling put out that you're resting?

Is it simply that you are on day 3?

Star he is a miserable sod he is never happier than if he's miserable.

He does like me at his beck and call, he does like that I am occupied because I make less demands on him so that could figure in his moaning.

The school are bending over backwards to help him settle and his classmates have been really welcoming. What he doesn't recognise is that this softly softly beginning is for his benefit and he's moaning because of the lack of challenge now but he'll still be moaning once they start pushing him.

If he didn't have those sad brown eyes and the ability to portray abject misery so accurately then I could be far harsher but I fall for it every time

He's still going to have to suck it up though

Lol. Apart from that stuff, are YOU happier?

Oh and it gets better, he's pestered his teacher to phone to ensure we have seen the letter of doom and gloom which of course we have because he left explicit instructions.

His teacher reports though that today he has been initiating interaction with her and did some PE so he's making progress anyway even if he does say he is miserable.

Thank you zzzzz His class teacher has phoned and the school aren't seeing a dreadfully unhappy boy just as we aren't seeing a stressed out boy once he gets home.
I think some of it is pulling my heartstrings, some of it is adjusting and some of it that ds does enjoy being miserable and he has learned that unhappiness at school earns him a lot of attention both at home and school.
It's tough love here I'm afraid for ds. He is doing better than any of us expected so we will focus on how well he is doing, all the positives he has done and suggest strategies for all his many moans.
I know it's the right school, I know it's what he needs and I'm confident that if he was dreadfully unhappy they'd recognise it and address it.
He writes a lovely letter and it's wholly believable that he is the most miserable boy in the school trouble is he can't lie to my face and he can't act anything other than how he is feeling truthfully and his demeanour isn't of an unhappy stressed ds.
Little devil

Would it help you to know my two NT children are bored shitless by school and hate it too

You know Agnes that's what I forget, my other boys used to moan about school too and I never gave it a second thought. I think I don't give ds credit for being a sixteen year old boy sometimes of course he hates school, they all do

They can behave so differently at home though, cant they? Compared with how they behave/are percieved at school?

My ds1's teacher last year was openly scornful when I described his meltdowns and anger when things dont go "to plan". She looked at me like I was talking about another child!

Then a few weeks later I got held up in traffic one day and was 2 mins late to pick him up and he was hysterical....crying, tense, angry. Her face was a picture!!!

I am sure he is happier than he says at school and the teachers would not tell you he was if he wasnt (not at a ss anyway!)

I am with star on this one.....he needs to suck it up!!!

What Agnes said - perfectly normal feelings from a teen, expressed in his own beautifully formal way. There's a lot to be happy about there! Love zzzz's suggestion of writing a letter back, but hey-ho DS life's tough so suck it up is a bit of a mantra round here in the morning's too

Yes I love zzzz's suggestion too.

We just moved (much younger) ds to a new school. He spent the first half of term griping every time I took him there "no, no, you're going the wrong way mummy - turn back, Turn BACK". I know that this is the best school for him but it really upset me, my stomach would be in knots. When ever someone asked him how he liked his new school he would complain about it. Then I started to realise that if he complains about something he gets loads of sympathy and interest. We have been training DS to express disatisfaction! So I stopped responding to his complaints. Anyway since half term he's changed his tune and now says how happy he is to be going there. I try to remember to respond enthusiastically to his new found enthusiasm.