Sensory disorder....how can I change DSs reaction to the way we talk?

[DCSsunhill]

DS was recently diagnosed with a sensory disorder. This manifests in strange ways. At the moment, I am not allowed to say the word "that"...apparently with my accent it sounds as "thut". If I am in my house with him, he will hit me and pinch me hard whilst yelling "say "that"properly." He has to hit me three times.

DS2 has a natural lisp and he is not allowed to say words with s's in, unless he gets a nasty shove or his hair pulled three times.

He can control this behaviour. If in public, he will come up behind me and pinch my arm in secret until I acknowledge I have said "that" wrongly. He wouldn't dare hit or yell in public. He is not offended by anyone else's accent, just mine and his brothers.

However, I simply cannot control the way I talk. I can't chance a mannerism I have had for forty years. DS2 has now started sounding his s's as a "sh"sound for fear of getting hurt. I have tried to explain that I understand how much it grates on him, but he needs to change his reaction to the perceived annoyances.

Any ideas or strategies would be so welcome.

Sorry. To be clear...I would like to teach DS1 to alter his reaction to the way me and DS2 talk.

How would I do this? I fully understand this will be hard for DS1 but surely ds2 and I cannot continue to be assaulted just for being ourselves?

Thanks for the reply Lenin.

He is nearly 9. He is very controlling. He dictates the mood of the house, the food we eat, the way we eat it, modes of transport...etc etc. Well, he tries to.

At this time of night, I sit and rationalise his behaviour and I feel so sad for him and the way he feels. However, when he's in the thick of his controlling, he is simply vile.

I always praise him when he is behaving. When he is on his own with me, he can be delightful but will continue to correct my speech in an aggressive manner. When his brother is present, things are terrible.

A good example from tonight...DS1 goes to drama and loves it. I pick him up then we drive to pick up DS2 from his activity. DS1 will yell and hit approx three or four times in the journey if I say "that". In the fast lane of a motorway, it gets very tedious. Pick up DS1 who tells me about his activity and says an s word. DS1 leans forward, grabs DS2's hair and rams his head backwards into the seat three times. Again, I am driving and cannot stop it from happening.

It happens so much that there is barely any time for positivity to happen. It is just constant crap. I cannot expect DS2, who is 6, to police his speech. It's so unfair.

He saw the OT via CAMHs last week and they did an in school obs today. I am fully expecting them to simply sign him off as his behaviour in school is controlled. It's at home where he cannot cope.

Which book are you reading, Lenin? Sorry for such long post.

He had an ADOS and as a result got this diagnosis of sensory disorder. I was fully expecting an Aspergers dx but he didn't score...although he scored very highly on his lack of social skills, friendships and eye contact.

Yes, he has always reacted to speech. I remember not being able to say the word cake, because of the k sound...which was really hard, as his name has a k in it. he feels that his opinion is right and both me and the school struggle to help him learn, as he feels he already knows it all.

His current obsession is magic tricks. He shows everyone his card tricks and he is amazing at them. Everyone congratulates me on such a talented, special boy. Then we go home and he quite regularly beats the crap out of me, simply for not talking correctly.

I love him so much. But right now, i'm in protective mode and i'm aware that I am trying to protect myself and DS1 so I tend to have a strict persona with him most of the day. It's my coping persona. He hates it when I tell people about his issue with the way I speak, but I have shared it with school and he is aware of this. I feel he needs to know that I cannot keep his violence a secret, despite his special needs. School have been supportive and have met with me to suggest new strategies...most which pander to his control however, and didn't sit too comfortably with me.

I'll check that book out. Thank you for that. And for responding...it's nice to talk about it without being thumped

Much appreciated Lenin. Thank you.

My goodness, yes. You have summed it up. Blimey. Had no idea someone would have written about this.

Thank you. Am off to bed also but any more info at a later stage would be wonderful.

Am deffo struggling with rewards and reinforcements.

Lenin, you are a star. Thank you.

What transition?

Lenin, thank you. Am off to bed to dwell on your last post, about DS taking control where he can. Night.

Sunhill - just read this. It just has to stop, doesn't it really. I'm going to read up on that Schramm stuff that Lenin mentioned (thanks), it sounds really interesting. I haven't any experience of this but my dd has SEN and I am always on the lookout for behaviour problems developing. You are amazing that you have stayed so strong and loyal to your son despite the horrendous treatment you get from him. When mine starts up with aggression I try to nip it in the bud but I am aware that it's not really getting any better. Time for me to start reading up I guess.

I don't have a child with control issues ..... have you tried time out when he hits? Or does he like being on his own? (My friend's son hits to get a time out, we figured it out when we realised that as the noise level rose on a playdate, he would hit and then walk to the step and sit there very happily)

Something that stopped some of my son's undesirable behavior was to delay something he wanted to do. If he pulled my arm while we were walking, I stopped walking. He detests waiting. If he nags unbearably about dinner, I come and sit down in the living room and explain that I can't cook and answer questions, so I will stop cooking to answer the questions and dinner will be late. If he gets bossy about the pc, he is sent out of the room with the PC in, so he cannot even see it.

If he hits you or ds2, I would gently but firmly hold his wrists until you manage to implement a sanction - what I would do is deliberately continue to say "That"and not let go until he stops trying to hit me or his brother.

If he['s doing it in the car, how would he react if you pulled over and refused to move until he calms himself?

It's absolutely unacceptable to beat someone for mispronouncing a word, and it cannot continue. But it's easy for me to sit here and say that, it's not me living with it.

Lenin, again, your explanation makes so much sense. I am also on a vicious cycle. I had bribed DS2 to try and ignore a lot of DS1s control and he could, to a certain extent. However, this is when the violence started...so DS1 is now attempting to regain control via violence. I am going to see if any local library has a copy of you book. Your words have actually made me feel that I am sane again.

Abendbrot, thank you for your kind words. It's bloody hard work, for sure.

Colditz, hi. Haven't seen you around much lately. When DS2 goes into complete violence melt down, I have adopted a strategy of doing nothing. When he realises that I am not engaging or fighting back, he calms down. On the times when I have tried to hold his forearms, to keep him at a distance, he would attack my breasts and crunch them hard. I have shared the injuries with the school, and shown them the bruising, as I felt that SOMEBODY needed to validate what was going on. Last night, when driving, I pulled over in a side road and asked DS1 to get out of the car, for a breather. He went berserk and sobbed. I also think tiredness has a lot of an effect on his choices.

It is hard having to monitor every word you say for fear of being punched.

Colditz, if I repeated the THAT word to him, it would be like torture for him. I guess it's his equivalent of nails down a blackboard. I don't think i'll be able to change his hatred of it, but I definitely need to change his reaction to it iyswim.

I wonder if it's a bit like phobia - phobias are sometimes built up out of nothing and people's physiological reaction then changes beyond reasoning. I wonder if slow exposure to the 'that' word would lessen the impact of it -like arachnophobics getting exposed to spiders. They need to know nothing bad will happen.

Of course a plan with a behaviour therapist as Lenin suggested would be best, but perhaps a combination of non-reaction/disengagement to the aggression, as colditz recommended, coupled with gradual exposure to 'that' would help in the meantime.

Lenin, please will you come? You sound so knowledgable

Thank you. Am at work and so have just skim read. I did look into behavioural / CBT work but could only find one specialist locally and he charged £100 per hour...which is outside my budget.