DD's first birthday party with friends..............concerned nobody will show.

[makemineaquadruple]

Afternoon!

DD will be 5 next month and i'm trying to get together names from her class to send out invitations for her party. It's going to be at our local village hall and hopefully with a childrens entertainer ie magician and puppet show etc. I'm excited for her, but at the same time i'm really worried that only a few of her school friends will come.

She has gone back to saying that nobody plays with her and that they don't understand her. She usually will bounce out of school really happy, but will still say nobody likes her. Obviously i've asked the teachers if there's any truth in that. I usually get quite a clueless response such as "I think she's fine yeah, i'll keep an eye on her". It doesn't really tell me anything so I never really know what to think.

I've decided to invite everyone in her class for obvious reasons, but i'm still really worried that even that wont guarentee a full house or even half house. I'm not really sure what I can do other than send out the invitations early and with promises of a great afternoon with a magician, disco and lots of party games.

We haven't had the guts to do this before and up until now her birthday parties have been just with family so it's all very new to us. In 5 years she's only had 2 party invites and was unable to go to both due to a major meltdown on the first one and chicken pox on the second one It makes me so sad to think that she's only ever had 2 invitations, but even sadder that she didn't make either.

Not really sure if i'm asking for advice, I suppose i'm just looking for you maybe to share your experiences. I'm sure it's a situation that many of you have had to deal with.

Thanks for reading.

Ds has had a couple of birthday parties and we invited the whole class of 30 and I think each time we had over 20 children turn up. Ds does not really play with anyone in school and does not have any good friends but I think the children turn up at parties because their friends are going to be there and parents send their children because it is something for them to do. I am sure many of them will turn up.

Oh, just to add that I only got around 10 confirmations from people attending before the party so it was just as well I prepared quite a bit of extra food and party bags.

Good luck and I hope your dd has a great time.

Thanks trying. It's nice to hear that you had a possitive outcome. However, I think it's rude that only half bothered to RSVP! They must know why you need the numbers. Anyway, that's going off the subject.

I agree that most children would go to a party simply because at a party you get cake and time to play/run around with your friends. However, dd can really put off other children with her behaviour. She desperately wants friends, but she'll usually say inappropriate/random things and be over the top friendly. Also, if a child is playing with dd, if they dare to turn their backs for half a second, she'll stomp off and insist they don't like her and will then lose their interest, which obviously I can understand.

The other day we were walking home from school and dd said to another little girl "you're coming back to my house another day aren't you?" The girl looked at her like she had 3 heads and simply said "eeeeer no!! I don't think so!!" That was so painful to see. She looked deflated and confused.

So I suppose it all adds up really and I just can't see more than a couple coming. I desperately hope i'm wrong.

Sounds like your dd wants to engage with other children - that is a good start. Does or can the school run groups to help her play or interact appropriately with other children? Also your dd is 5 - at that age they fall out with friends almost every day, don't they? My nt dd falls out with her best friend every day and I thought they no longer played with each other only to be told by the CT that they are almost always together.

Also even if not everyone turns up, I think as long as your dd has a great time, I don't think she'd notice who hasn't come.

Have you not had any of her class over to play?

When we moved school and ds1 was struggling because his severely autistic brother was the talk of the playground, I used to ask his teachers who he played with and would then approach the parent to ask if they thought their dc would like to come over to play.

It worked well and it meant I found a few close allies who understood our home life and helped their dc better accept mine.

Oh I do hope she gets plenty of people coming to her party.

First party I had for DS2 (he was turning 4) only 3 out of something like 30 turned up, I was beside myself but he had a fantstic time with those three. I had another party for him in August for his 6th and most of them turned up.

pagwatch, it's a difficult one when you're talking about play dates etc. We've had a couple, which haven't gone great. I think the girls mum, as lovely as she is,she must have thought "oh dear god, what have I done?!". I don't think she realised that dd had problems. It's not always obvious so it was a very akward couple of hours. Little things that my dd does really stand out in a NT house. For example, last time we went to this girls house she was terrified of their stairs and had to be carried.......remember she's 5! She's perfectly capable, but there is a genuine fear there and sometimes it get's out of control and she will just cling to the bannister screaming! Or another example is if something has upset her for whatever reason, she can be incredibly rude. This particular girls mum is absolutely lovely and seems to have the patience of a saint, so when dd was snapping at her to go away and leave her alone it makes me feel so awful. We haven't had an invite for several months and I can understand why. It is my turn to invite them round, but dd says that she doesn't play with this girl anymore so i'm not really sure what to do.

There are actually only20 children in her class, which surprised me, so it's no so much safety in numbers as I thought. I'm almost tempted to invite the whole bloody school!! See how many we get then.

I haven't exactly been in a great place recently and i'm really worried that if very few or worse NO children turn up i'll make it even worse by completely breaking down because i'll be so hurt for dd.

Just wanted to say how brave you are with the party. We're not doing one this year for my daughter as too terrified that no one will come. If we were local to you, we'd come!!

Really really relate to your playdate experiences. I've just started on the playdate road (in fact just posted as ds desparate for friends and does not understand why she does not have any). I've had two playdates since moving here (dd age 3) and I know we won't get invites back. Playdates and parties are so so hard.

I hope the whole class come. Let us know.xx.

You don't need to explain how difficult it is, I understand.

But I just thought that home territory allows you to control the environment more. You can keep the time short, chose an activity that your dd will engage with and shadow the whole process.

If she has children who become blasé about her 'different' behaviours because they start to see past that she may get a friendship base and some allies. If you wait for her to cope then the process will become more and more alien.

I only say that as initially I kept other children away from the house as ds couldn't cope and struggled when he totally lost it at other peoples houses. But I bit the bullet and got some over here and the children got used to ds2 quickly and he got used to them.

I realise it is not quite the same. But you sound totally isolated from the other parents and unless you start meeting them it will be harder for them to understand and help you. Once they are able to engage with their own children about being tolerant of your dd that reduces the pressure on you.

But you know your child best. I am just sharing what helped me, and ds1, hugely.

we tend not to do birthday partys as such but more like a day out with a friend or 2, the problem i have to deal with is when kids hand invitations out and not give 1 to my ds and dd, now the ds is 13 now and he is quite happy with the fact he doesnt get invited cause he litrally hates partys. but my dd who is 10 gets very very very upset over the matter that nobody ever invites her and she doesnt understand why ( she has severe SLI, with HF ASD) but her behaviour is rather good apart from the clingon/leech stuck to you issue.

That is sad Alison.

My ds (10) has probably had only around 8 bithday invitations up to now but dd who is 5 has had 5 since school started in September. Ds now says parties are for girls only...

If only we lived closer to each other and can invite each other's dc.