An autistic view of laughter and smiling... maybe???

[mrsforgetful]

DS2 (undiagnosed ASD) is always getting upset because he says we are laughing at him...and i've found this a hard one to work on as i have not always been able to see what made him think this

Tonight we had a 'breakthrough'!

He said to me
"why were you laughing at me?"
I said i hadn't been- and asked him why he thought i had. He replied...
"When you smiled at me you were laughing in your mind"

What do you reckon???

Also he constantly talks to himself when playing...a running commentry- and i have always thought he was talking to me - well the other day i had alot on my mind and was (i hate to say) trying my best to ignore him.....but i had enough and said to him
"I'm not really listening to you very well as i'm busy" (or words to that effect!)To which he replied
"I wasn't talking to you.I say 'MUM' if i'm telling you something"

That was telling me!

I'm just sooooooo lucky that he can explain these things now

Also on the subject of his 'squawking'whenever something 'awful' happens...i experimented with a method i found in my 'social awareness skills' book- under the heading of ANGER
It worked the 2 times i tried it......what i did was as soon as something 'triggered' his squaking i immediately jumped in with exagerated and quite animated sympathy and said something like "You must be so cross that happened " etc (ie acknowledging his feelings) then i said "what can i do to help you"....then both times i praised him for his calmness

will try this again...B4 i've been focussing on the 'squawking' rather than the 'trigger'- and seeing as he only squawks when distressed i think 'anger management' fits the bill quite well- we've tried star charts etc

its amazing how kids see things in their minds. my dd1 scratches at night. now she tells me its 'scary hands' that make her itch when she is asleep, and i always come and frighten them away (mainly when i go in to re-apply cream). i dont have any experience of aspergers/autism/adhd (i get confused sorry) but seems like your son is doing a good job at telling u what he sees/feels differently than other children.

Your newly tried strategy seems to be working well MrsF and it seems that your son can understand well enough for it to be appropriate. With my son we'd have to be careful that he wouldn't learn to squawk (or equivalent) every time he wanted attention

hadn't thought of that....and i did think of another 'catch' with my 'idea'....what about when HE is in the wrong and i need to 'comfort' the other child...if i'm not careful DS2 will 'expect' this treatment on demand...kind of like you said. I think on the whole he does mainly do this whenever something happens to him- not him to others as generally if left alone he is quite passive- and it's only when others interact he can't cope- but i reckon i will have to tweak this method trial and error etc until it's transferable to all situations!!!

Well, I would keep doing it until it stops working or a problem comes up, you may find you can use it forever but at least you are ready to notice any problems if they come up.

Yes i agree that life is so much easier once they can explain what they feel and mean.....In our home on the whole i feel there is now more laughter than tears- i still do not have my husband's support- but i watched the Jackson Family Autism documentry the other day (again!!!!!) and Jaqui made it clear that from the moment she had her family she was 'on her own' and it's sad in a way that i feel like that too -but on the other hand i am able to smile inwardly every time i manage another meltdown or overload 'by myself' and because my boys' are happy i feel very contented- my husband is wonderful with them as long as there is no 'autie crisis' and because i am always listenting and looking out for this to happen i am able to avoid them...eg hubby will say he's taking them out- i 'stall' him so i can 'warn' and prepare the 2 boys who will find it hardest to break off what they are doing- DS3 is a brilliant distraction and decoy!!! Then when hubby calls them to get their shoes on etc they come without too much fuss.I also know that the 'easiest' way to get ds2 out the house is to allow him to bring a toy that he's 'into' at the mo.And if they're going out in the car i will arrange with the boys who is sitting where and when so that when they go they don't argue about who sits in the front!!!!

I don't think dh implements a single 'strategy' himself- but i do feel that finally we are at the point where if i intervene he allows me to do so ,without starting a row over the fact that i am undermining him etc...he used to say that everytime! And i hope that soon he will take the next step which is to 'notice' that MY WAY WORKS!!!

mrsforgetful it is always so nice to read your postings - and I love to read about the special bond and understanding you have with your 3 children!!!

MARZ...and the trouble is i do still wonder if i am somewhere on the spectrum too---would certainly explain why i have so many 'funny ways'!! I won't go on about it now...have mentioned this 'feeling' before- but it's almost 'funny' that DS3 could be the only NT in the house!!! And what a 'burden' for a 4 year old!!!!
Seriously though...our family is lively and chaotic and noisy.....I cannot imagine it any different!!!
I just reckon they should do the next Autie T.V special based on us....I can see it now the Dad in denial (about his and kids Autism), The Mum- misdiagnosed with depression/drugged accordingly who grew up 'feeling different and happy in her own world' and the 3 boys - 1 ADHD ASPERGER's with a sprinkling of Dyspraxia.....and a love of making chicken noises ---2 (?) Asperger's- with a tendancy to 'squawk' when his world is shaken and finally 3 a bit ADHD but beautifully aware of the world around him but who thinks he's a kitten !
most of the time!!!!

Now can you see why i loved the title of Jaqui Jackson's new book- MULTICOLOURED MAYHEM !!!!

DINOSAUR- I hate the whole 'so-and-so's coming round to my house' Ithing- NT kids can be so cruel- they don't realise this ofcourse...and like you said i am just glad that this all goes over my boys' heads most of the time- though just had ds2's 7th B.day party and out of 9 invites handed out at school only 4 came- 4 didn't even reply- and i handed the invites direct to the mums.

BAGPIPES
will mail you soon- hope you are all fine- i've found reading some of your posts very helpful ...WE ALL DO GREAT!!!!!

I personally would love to see a "mrsforgetful: The Movie". Who do you think should get to play you, mrsforgetful? Scene 1: mrsforgetful is sorting through a giant basket of socks, dreaming of a day when the doctors/school will finally start to listen to her....

4 mums didn't even bother to reply to the invitations??! How bl**dy rude!!? How are parents meant to teach their ASD kids about 'social graces' when those same kids see adults acting so rudely? Grrrrrrr!

Coppertop- you have REALLY made me smile - today has been terrible and you've just made me feel that bit better...All i can answer now is that my husband should be played by Victor Meldrew (one foot in the grave) and i'll ring round a few agents to find the rest of the cast!! Hey .....I could actually play ME!!!! Now there's a thought!! Thanks for reminding me that theres always light at the end of the tunnel!!!!

mrsforgetful - sorry you've had such an awful day. I hope tomorrow is a better one. Loved the idea of Victor Meldrew as MrF. I can picture a musical scene with you singing (to the tune of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" "Somewhere o-on the spectrum, is d-s twooooo." Mr F sings in a deep baritone "I DON'T BELIEVE IT!" Your ds's run in and shout "Stop singing!" The scene ends with your ds saying "Yeah, baby!"

coppertop - that really made me laugh

Meg Ryan could play MrsF as she displays some auti behaviour

Victor Meldrew and Meg Ryan - perfect casting!

COPPERTOP!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WILL HAVE TO WRITE THE SCRIPT!!!! I read your wonderful scene to dh and even HE smiled!!!! I am so touched that you took the time to read all my recent post in order to make that soooooo funny! And to pick 'somwhere over the rainbow' was lovely!!!
I am printing it off an sticking it to my kitchen door so every time i see it tomorrow i will laugh!!
It's at times like this when i wish this wasn't mumsnet- but a coffee morning where we'd all be sat in the same room,sharing the same experiences and having a good old laugh!!!!

Thankyou for cheering me up!!!

p.s tonight ds2 threw a wobbly 'just' because dh decided to sit in a different chair than he usually did...dh refused to see this as a brilliant example of ds2 'hating change'...wish i'd had the video camera rolling...would have made a great scene....followed by the next one where ds2 was playing in the bath an hour later- dissolving chunks of fizzy bath 'bombs' in water- dh crept up behind him and shouted "booooo" ds2 jumped out of his skin and knocked over his 'potion' of fizzy rocks....and there began the 2nd squawking of the night!!! I then 'iced the cake' by saying to DH to tread carefully as ds2 is tired ...he than squawked /squeeled."i'm not tired" (black shadows under his eyes and all!!!!)

I LOVE meg ryan....and for those who remember her.... i also identify with the character Wendy craig played in Butterflies (years ago!!!) and my mum could be played by 'Hyacinth Bucket'...or should that be Bouquet!!!!

MrsF (Meg), I've been thinking about a few things you've said about your DH. Although he's maybe somewhat in denial (not unusual) he does seem to be coming round a bit to your way of thinking. But he hasn't learnt to change his behaviour with the boys which may be a positive thing in that you can think of him as fulfilling a different role and being able to respond to them in a less analytical way. Hopefully, he can learn a bit from you but still be able to do things his way. I know many couples where the mum is very up on ASD and in particular her own child(ren), involved in support groups (real or virtual), reads a lot etc and the dad accepts it but doesn't involve himself in it but he does involve himself with the children. Do you think this is anything like your situation or could be in time?

MARYZ- You have read my mind! I feel exactly as you said..I'm just hoping that as the psychologist has asked for me to write a 'This is My Life' then maybe i'm heading in the write direction- in the past 3 weeks that i've been to see the psycholgist i've had the oppertunity to talk about all my 'funny ways' - previously i was seen as a 'postnatally depressed' woman- the psch even said that she thought that was a poor DX...she agreed that how i am now is something that simply has 'always been there'..this is why i hope she has her 'suspicions'
Basically at the moment i am 'happy' to be under the supervision of the local mental heath unit- because of this i get visited every other week by a 'social worker/OT' so i can 'download' all my thoughts and show her my garden (i grow loads of flowers),and i will see the psychologist for a min of a year, and in addition last week i began a 'confidence' workshop- focussing on social skills (very apt if i am AS!!!) - all this is what i needed years ago....and may mean i get off my tablets...however having had a martyr of a mum (who is unfortunately...very AS too!!!) who refused all help and tablets- and consequently made my life awful.... i would chose to stay on them all my life as long as my boys never felt as i did....who knows!
Finally I often wonder if the reason i feel so 'in tune ' with my boys is because 'i've been there too'- i know it's different for all- no 2 would ever be the same - but things like the self esteem and the 'black and white' thinking are fairly....well ...BLACK AND WHITE!!! (ie if someone feels worthless- then they will identify with someone else feeling like that too- regardless of why)

DAVROS>>>> you have explained that sooooo well!!! It is EXACTLY how i feel- you've made me realise that by him 'treating them as normal' that it is a good thing rather than bad as they will live in a 'normal' world once they leave home- and though i do everything possible to make their life a happy one- as DH pointed ou the other day- I won't be there for them when they 'growup' all the time!!!!
Thanks for putting that so well- i reckon i will have to print that one off and stick it on the kitchen door too!!!

P.s TATMUM joked recently that my user name may give the wrong impression...and i think she's right...so i wonder whether i sould change it to MEG!!!!!On the other hand.....i'm worried none of you guys would remember me!!! (as if!!! )I reckon after 1 posting by MEG you'd all have no doubt it was mrsF in disguise!!!