Help with 4 yr old?

[GobHoblin]

Already posted in Behaviour and Development, but someone suggested posting here also. Hope thats ok.

I wonder if Mumsnet wisdom have any thoughts to help a friend of mine. The following 2 posts were from her on a seperate private forum. I wondered if anybody here would be able to help her? I have her permission to post of course.

What do you do with a 4 year old that won't talk to anyone not children, not adults not even grandparents. Instead when addressed he bursts into tears. I actually can't cope with him very well ATM there is NEVER a simple day

They dont have a school nurse. Havent spoken doc. He has always been a difficult child socially but past few weeks have been unreal...this week especially.
Last weekend we were at inlaws and hes normally fine, but as soon as his grandad spoke to him he started crying.....2hours it went on he was hysterical.
Similar incident tonight a little girl he knows said Hi, he ignored her, She kept on and I said * say hello, he shook his head and started the meltdown in the street. I have been, nice,been harsh, taken away privileges, bribed him. I dont know what else I can do, he ignores the kids in the playground when they talk to him while Im there.
Nursery say hes making friends but did say when the teachers ask a direct question he does need time to answer. I probably have failed him socially, we went to baby groups etc but I stopped when he hit 18 months as he was so difficult. I dont know how to help him. He cries all the time at any situation happy or sad. Its like he cant control his emotions or something. I am at my wits end.

Thankyou justabout

if he is 4 has she not raised this at any developmental check? she's been having difficulties for 3 years and not mentioned it to anyone?

yy. ask for developmental paed referral from gp. even if it's 'just' crippling shyness she needs some help. what do school say? has she discussed this with the class teacher and the senco? (presumably it is causing difficulties in the classroom?) oh, nursery (sorry, just re-read). well, they are obviously aware that he needs additional time, which is good they are recognising his difficulties. do they see it as problematic further down the road? has she discussed transition to school with the nursery manager/ senco? (presumably he is about to head off to yr r?)

i would also suggest that she find her nearest surestart centre and see what parenting courses are on offer - she sounds lacking in confidence if she has not been out and about with him for two and a half years, and it may help her feel a bit more confident about her own ability. (plus it's usually one of the first things the gp/ paed suggests so she'll have a head start). agree she is not failing him, but it is easy to undermine your belief in yourself by taking what appears to be the 'easy road', and she might benefit from being able to articulate the situation better. no blame - we all do the best we can under whatever circs we are given.

Thankyou Madwoman. They are in scotland so nursery at 4 then school next year. I think its rearing its head more now just because of starting nursery and more contact with more people if you see what i mean? Mum is not lacking in confidence or experience, also has an older child with no issues.
Appreciate your time to respond, just want to help her find a way forward :)

it can't just be rearing now at 4, if he was so difficult at 18 mos that she stopped going out with him? that doesn't make sense. either she's blaming herself for not taking him out in between 18mos and nursery (which is where i got potential confidence issue) or she's fine and dandy and knows he's got problems but hasn't mentioned it to anyone for three years. or do you mean she stopped going out with him because he was so difficult, and now she feels that might not have been the best move as it might have exacerbated the issue? didn't mean to offend re confidence etc, just sounded from her own words as though she had been 'hiding' for a few years and felt unable to cope. not in any way a put-down.

either way, gp and ask for referral to developmental paed.

and what do nursery say about transition to p1? they are obviously content that he is coping within resource at the mo, just needs a little extra time, but mum feels there is more to it.