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Original poster

Bit sad about what this boy said about dd

23 replies

pigletmania · 28/10/2011 19:54

DD 4.5 (developmental delay, social communication difficulties and AS traits) and I were in the park today, a boy from dd class walked past us with his mum, and said that he did not like dd as she was scary Sad. Don't know what the mum said because they walked quickly, but I feel sad that children think this of dd. She is a lovely child, without a mean bone in her body, just because she has not got the social and communication skills like that of her peers. I know that I should get used to this, but I guess I wanted to rant on here.

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EllenJaneisnotmyname · 28/10/2011 20:02

I'm so sorry, piglet. 5yo DC aren't known for their tact. Sad My DS used to be called 'naughty' by the other children in reception. The autism advisory teachers did a fantastic talk to the class in Y1 about 'invisible disability' and the class became very tolerant and even quite protective of DS. It may be something to consider? Doesn't help when you meet new people, but it did help at school.

MangoMonster · 28/10/2011 20:08

Sorry piglet, children don't understand and generally find differences or an inability to communicate scary. My friend has a Dd the same age as DS and she really doesn't want to spend to one with him as I guess he confuses her :(. You and your dd aren't alone, although that probably doesn't help.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 28/10/2011 20:12

((HUG))

Pigletmania - how would you feel about doing what EJ has sugggested? Personally I always think it's a good idea, but I know some people refer to keep the diagnosis private.

At our school we have quite a few children with various SNs and the children are really loving & protective of them, it does help to know what the children struggle with and why.

coff33pot · 28/10/2011 20:53

Sorry piglet :( Children are so forthright at that age arent they. DS is forever classed as wierd, naughty, odd. It affects me more than it does DS though who doesnt notice one bit.

Hugs x

Original poster
pigletmania · 28/10/2011 20:57

Thanks everyone Smile, that is a good idea chipping. It does not help that dd has been a handful this half term, with the constant mood erruptions, and I am 7 month pg and a bit hormonal. Everything sends her into a meltdown (dirty dvd jamming, not going to the shop, me saying no all the time). DD is statemented and goes to a lovely MS school, I had a great parents evening with the teacher who told me that despite all her difficulties dd is quite well liked at school. The other children go up to her and talk to her and try to help her out, it was just this one boy that we saw in the park who i recognised in dd class.

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Original poster
pigletmania · 28/10/2011 21:13

coff33pot thank goodness dd does not understand and it goes right over her head, her sN has a doubled edged sword. It does affect me a lot too.

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ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 28/10/2011 21:29

piglet - do you know what it is about DD that scares this little boy? Would you be able to talk to his Mum or the teacher and ask one of them to explain the behaviour that is scaring him? I just think there's a lot to be gained by nipping it in the bud now as it comes up and not just thinking 'it's only one little boy' these things can travel like wildfire otherwise :( I also think it's beneficial to the little boy to understand and not be sacred by another child in his class - SN or not.

Original poster
pigletmania · 28/10/2011 21:51

chippingin there are 6 kids with SN in dd class (foundation). I do talk to the mum at the school gates, and she knows what dd difficulties are, the mum is really nice. No I don't know, I think that at school she has occasional meltdowns which can be a bit scary to the other children, but the school deal with them very well. DD has recieved her statement and she is getting 25 hours a week 121. The children are in foundation, and they are still quite young, and anything different that they are not able to understand is scary. I talk to a lot of mums at the gates, and I am very open about dd SN, I prefer to be. Mabey the teachers could have a talk to the class about SN as there are quite a few in foundation.

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EllenJaneisnotmyname · 28/10/2011 22:05

It worked for my DS. Perhaps the SENCo or someone experienced could talk to the class? I, also, found it helpful to be upfront about DS's SN. If the SNs are obvious I can't see it hurting.

Original poster
pigletmania · 28/10/2011 22:27

I do like to be open to people about it, so that they are aware. The SENCO is the school's headmistress, i could talk to her she is very good, she has dd with SN herself.

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lisad123 · 28/10/2011 22:36

Don't let it worry you.
Dd2 use is autistic told me that certain children at her SN school were scarcy. As she developed more language, it became clear that those children who didn't talk, were scarcy to her Sad sometimes we think we know what they find scarcy but it isn't always right.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 28/10/2011 22:38

piglet - it sounds like you have a really good & open attitude towards it. I think I would talk to the Head & just see if they can do a general talk to the children, explaining some of the behaviour they may find scary & explaining that it's OK to ask questions & talk to a grown up if they are scared or confused about anything. I'd probably talk to the Mum as well, say that you overheard DS saying that dd sometimes scared him & if there's anything you can do to help him not be scared you'd be happy to do it/discuss it.

It's not bloody fair though is it :( x

Original poster
pigletmania · 28/10/2011 22:58

Thanks chippingIn and lisa I am glad I posted here instead of AIBU as I probably be told that i am overreacting. I think young kids can be scared of things that are different. My friends dd 6.5 asked me why dd does not talk, and I explained to her and ever since she has been great with dd, dd loves her.

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ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 28/10/2011 23:45

Yes, sadly most people just don't understand :(

I guess that most peole who have only ever known nt children just do not, and can not, understand how these seeminlgy small things cut so deep or why they cut so deep.

I love AIBU - but I'd never post something like this there, not even in chat. Much safer here amongst friends :) x

Original poster
pigletmania · 29/10/2011 09:44

Yes exactly chipping Smile. In AIBU I would probably be told to get a grip, stop overreacting by parents who have NT children. Its funny because growing up I had similar difficulties as dd but less emotional outbursts, I think I was just seen as odd back in the day, so nobody really wanted to be my friend or invite me to any parties Sad. well I did get invited to 2 in all 7 years.

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AllSquaredUp · 29/10/2011 10:05

Sorry to hear that Piglet, my ASD DS is called 'naughty' by other children in his preschool. Funny thing is last two birthday parties I see it was all these NT kids who were acting like animals, pushing, wrestling and kicking each other. Well they were being 'boys', i wonder if my DS was involved there it would be seen the same way...

bigbluebus · 29/10/2011 10:17

I remember when DS was in the infants, he was assessed by an Ed Psych who actually wrote in his report that "the other children are scared of DS". I'm not sure if this was just something he gauged from observing or whether he had actually asked the other children - but it was very upsetting to read. DS's behaviour was unpredictable though so I can understand why this would be the case.
Fast Forward 9 yrs to a meeting we have just had with DS's MS secondary school re his behaviour. Messing around in class, making smart alec comments - all because DS says he wants to be 'one of the lads' and not seen as a 'nerd' ( he is in top stream for all subjects). Senco & deputy head's response was "I don't think anyone sees you as a nerd now DS, you have lots of friends and are very socialble". If DS hadn't been sitting there, I would have thought they were confusing him with someone else!
I think the idea of getting someone to address the issue of 'invisible disability' with the children as a general class discussion is a good idea. IME young children are very kind and protective of other children with visible disabilities once they get over their initial uncertainty - it is just a lack of understanding - which many adults have too - which needs addressing.

Original poster
pigletmania · 29/10/2011 12:31

I totally agree AllSquared its the NT children who can be horrid, dd is better behaved than most of them I think, saying horrid things, sometimes being nasty to dd. I totally agreeeBBB because they cannot see it, they do not realise dd has SN. She is starting to look different to the NT kids though, as she refuses to cut her hair and wear things in it, so it always looks messy, and she dances round in circles doing hand flapping Grin

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Original poster
pigletmania · 29/10/2011 12:33

So she does stick out a bit. On the whole the children seem to be lovely to her

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ihatecbeebies · 29/10/2011 15:41

My son has the same problems as your DD piglet and I heard a little girl in his class tell her dad that he was scary too :(

Original poster
pigletmania · 29/10/2011 16:11

Oh no ihatecbeebies Sad that is not nice, it does cut deep, my dh is rather relaxed about, but for me it does get to me.

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ihatecbeebies · 29/10/2011 16:16

Yeah it gets me quite upset too, the father just laughed it off and said oh don't be silly he's not scary but she kept running away from him and wouldn't play with him.

Original poster
pigletmania · 30/10/2011 08:46

I think that dd should be more scared of that boy then he is of her. She is a gentle girl who does not defend herself if she is hurt Sad

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