how to cope with endless bullying of my aspergers daughter

[SophRunning]

please help. my daughter has aspergers and is constantly bullied at school. i am a constant presence in the school office. it started off as being a gang thing, which school was v slow to deal with but eventually sorted. we went in and did a show and tell about aspergers which helped. teacher last year was fantastic and on it, though there were constant incidents for her to sort out. teacher this year not entirely on it i think. senco not great. i thought things were getting better but latest incident emerged tonight while we were watching tv and my lovely girl in tears again. she is so easy to tease -- goes up like a firework and often lashes out too so she then gets into trouble too and can't understand the unfairness of it. am doing everything i can to deal with each incident and keep her spirits up and fight as hard as i can for her but tonight it's got too much for me and am very upset. can't bear to see her targeted like this and feeling hopeless. any advice?

she is nine and yes its half-term. she often tells me more stuff during the holidays when she's relaxed and it all starts to come out. its name calling, telling her she's stupid and weird and a freak etc etc

Sorry, but you need to a) threaten the school with involving the police, pointing out to the school that the 'assault' part of 'assault and battery' is verbal bullying. If that doesn't get them to get a move on. Change schools. My Asperger's children were moved from a school that wouldn't do anything. Best thing I ever did.

Why 'Sorry'? I've looked into changing schools but dd desperately doesn't want to move and be the new girl again and not see the friends she has made. teacher last year was great and situation calmed down so have been hoping problems in last month was new teacher getting to grips with it. headteacher and class teacher have spoken to various parents and have got a plan for her. all of us working towards getting a statement. my frustration is the constant drip-drip-drip of it and wondering, does it ever stop?? is it possible to mitigate against every playground incident? is it possible to teach her to cope with her anger better so that she's not such a target?

It's a horrendous experience isn't it? The sheer exasperation of the never-ending cycle of incident after incident. Going through very similar with my 7 year old son (aspergers), have meeting tomorrow at school.

I found it very helpful to call the Police for advice & having mentioned to the school that I have spoken to them I know it's certainly not what they expected!

I've kept my son off the last two days as I feel he is not safe there after the latest incident. The school only appear to be interested in him not attending & I have had to continually state that he is off due to being physically assaulted and to prevent further assault.

I don't know the answer. Like your daughter my son doesn't want to change school again either (moved before for distance reasons). I actually have no idea at the moment how things are going to workout & am more than a little stressed.

I have to pick my moments with my son for chatting about the school bullying. Try and help him understand as best I can. I shall have to try and get him to attend some martial arts now I think as things are dire.

So sorry your daughter & yourself are going through it all too.

My DS was bullied relentlessly at school for many years due to standing out from the others becaise of Aspergers.

I was also ringing the school on a daily basis, having meetings about it with teachers and writing letters to the Head.

You won't like what I am about to say - It won't get better and will probably get worse when they get to senior school and the differences as a result of Aspergers become even more apparent to their peers.

I used to write to school naming names of the children who bullied him. At times it seemed the whole class were bullying him - which is a difficult concept as 'tradirionally' it's one bully against one victim but DS was telling the truth and the whole class had actually turned against him and was acting in a disgustingly anti-social way towards him. That's something to bear in mind.

Within a junior school with 'class teachers' for the majority of the day and a small community of pupils steps can and should be taken by school to stamp this out, however once the child is at secondary school with a whole new set of classmates and children who had attended other junior schools and with different teachers for each lesson so continuity is lost - that's when problems really escalate.

I was told that school couldn't protect DS throughout the school day. as a result he was subjected to serious physical assault on several occasions - noe of which were adrquately investigated or dealt with by school. I even called in the Police following one incident which necessitated Ds having to attend A&E. Still school maintained it was 'perceived' rather than 'actual' bullying and did nothing. At that point I removed him from school.

The best thing you can do is to apply for a Statement immediately. Don't wait, as school will be telling you to do, until school have gathered all the evidence to support an application for an assessment for a Statement - apply yourself directly to the LA. the school will be given time to get their evidence then. You can't allow school to drag their heels over an application as your child is 9 and almost at the point of transition to senior school. It's a lot easier to get a Statement while in junior school than it would be in secondary school with this lack of continuity of teaching staff.

A Statement will ensure that measures are in place for his/her transition to secondary school and they will not be left to struggle on on their own.

Bullying - I hate this word - is assualt. If it happened outside school the Police would be involved - but unfortunately because these incidents happen in school they are played down as bullying.

Don't underestimate the effect these assaults have on the victim. My son spent 6 months in a CAMHS pyschiatric unit as a result of the abuse and criminality he was subjected to in school, and is still under pyschiatric care 8 years later.

My advice - complain, complain complain to school and to the LA and apply for an assessment for a Statement immediately, yourself.

Best wishes

THank you for sharing your story WetAugust. This is exactly what I am scared of for secondary school and DS is only in Y2 but any child who wanders about with no friends like my DS is bound to be a target in any MS school without support. Your story has made it even more important for me to get a statement for him in prep for transition to secondary school even though we have no need for one at the moment due to the help he is getting.

I'm sorry that your DS and your family have had to go through this.

Soph I have no advice sorry but hope that you can get this sorted with the school and that you can get a statement to protect her at secondary :(

Thank you all so much. I appreciate your suggestions and shared experiences. WetAugust and Sotilltomorrow, I am so sorry that your children have suffered so badly. I am dismayed by what you tell me, but not surprised. I am desperate to get my dd a statement before secondary school because I'm so scared she'll get eaten alive there otherwise. We have applied once and got turned down because the school screwed up the paperwork so yes I will be on it very closely this time around. I would never have contemplated talking to the police but it seems that may be the jolt the school needs.
Did any of you have any success with coping tactics in the meantime?

Two suggestions for coping strategies for your dd:

circle of friends (link here to one explanation of how this works: www.inclusive-solutions.com/circlesoffriends.asp )

cognitive behavioural therapy (link here: www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx )

Success of the circle of friends approach depends on your dd being comfortable with other children in her class being aware of her diagnosis - at least a reason why she needs support in social situations. It can work well if the children chosen to be in the circle are sufficiently mature and sensitive and if the adult facilitating the group gets the whole idea. It will also need to be an ongoing process even if the frequency can be tapered off.

We were astounded by how well CBT worked for our ds (also AS, major school anxiety, very uncomfortable in social situations, culminating in being out of school for over a year). Started with a cognitive assessment (wisc iv) in order to tailor the delivery of the cbt to his style of learning - in his case he likes to have things written down as has some auditory processing difficulties. Both parents attended with him, we discussed and practised techniques in the sessions and practised again at home, eventually he used some of the ideas and techniques spontaneously himself - eg relaxation techniques, positive thinking, talking things through to work out why they were stressing him. We accessed this via CAMHS, referred initially by GP. Only downside was the year's wait from first referral to starting the first session, if you face a similar wait, keep pushing/complaining.

I would also second the advice re applying for assessment for a statement in time for transition to secondary school which is a very common time for these issues to reach another crisis point. It would also be a good idea to start looking at the options for secondary school now special or mainstream, size of class and school, previous experience with children with asd, emotional vulnerability. Ofsted reports and gabbitas good schools guide and nas websites are good starter points.

Also keeping records of everything as it all becomes about the evidence once you go down this route. It may also help your dd to feel less powerless about the situation if you can tell her some of what you plan to do.

Thank you pinkorkid. We've had the full CAMHS assessment, plus separate ed psych and autism assessment unit, and she's on school support plus. we're also being referred to another psych she can talk to for emotional support so hoping that will help. i hadn't thought of CBT but that's a brilliant suggestion. i've found an excellent secondary school near us which has fantastic SEN resources but we're not in the catchment area so can only get in with statement ..

First of all, the school have a duty of care in law for your child. 'In loco parentis'. This means that they have a legal duty for your child to be safe.
It's hard changing schools, but if you can find the right school, it's for the best. Mine didn't want to change either, but it really was worth it. I think part of the problem with the not wanting to change thing, is the not liking change thing, ifysim, but once it's done, certainly in my case it was for the better.
As for secondary school, I have to say, my experience has been very different. We had some difficulties in year seven, when they started, but within the first term, everything had stopped, the school kept a very close eye on things, and everything was nipped in the bud. The twins were each given a book by the school so that they could write things down, and the form tutor would check it daily. That way they were not put in a situation where they couldn't report or answer questions in real time. I do know that I am lucky, the pastoral care at the school is unsurpassed, I have a brilliant relationship with the head who has always made sure he is available. However, we looked for a school like this, it took a long time and we had to go to appeal because it is out of catchment. What I'm saying is, there are some really good state schools around and it's worth it.
Soph it's worth noting what the others have said about a statement, it does offer lots of help and when it comes to secondary you have a greater choice as you are able to choose a school which meets the needs of your ds rather than the local, if you so choose.
I really hope things improve for her.

Soph

Can only echo what the others have told you re a statement; do apply for it asap and make the application personally. IPSEA's website is helpful re the initial letter and the whole process www.ipsea.org.uk.

My son is at secondary and your DD will stand out like a sore thumb if left unsupported as she is now. School support plus is truly not worth the paper its written on and certainly falls short in such circs both in the classroom and outside of it.

Ben10 - I would also suggest you also apply for the statement asap (the help he is currently receiving could too easily get withdrawn in a junior school) and certainly long before secondary school looms on the horizon.

www.bullying.co.uk is also a helpful website.

The difficulty many schools have with people like us is that what triggers panic or major reaction in us isn't the same as for other pupils. I'm going to generalise:

Irony: Most pupils understand that someone can be sarcastic in a funny way as a friendly joke etc. We don't get it because we can't see the body language or tone of voice that accompanies it and explains the joke. So we get upset at what sounds like an attack...which then makes a group angry at us. It escalates from there.

Friendships - we can't see the body language that says ';join my circle/it's your time to talk now/you need to shut up for a while/we play this game this way' etc, so we make continual blunders. Groups get angry with us again.

Jostling - because of our different pain responses, a tiny touch can feel like massive pain. And because it takes time to process that feeling, our reaction to it can occur way after the event. For a teacher unpicking what happened, it can seem like a total mystery.

Obsessions - we can find soneone intensely fascinating and want to learn all about them. That can seem like stalking to other people and cause a big situation.

Inappropriate comments or contact - we can't process stuff fast and our social age can be much younger than people expect. A big lad in a playground who is standing very close to a girl can seem threatening when he has no idea that it's threatening. An innocent comment that would be taken that way if it was by a 4 yr old can sound very threatening when it's a 10 yr old saying it...even if that 10 yr old only has the social understanding of a 4 yr old.

Possessions - Our brains store info on our stuff in the bit where your brains store info on loved people in your life. If someone came along and picked up your baby out of the pushchair without your permission and rough-handled them and threw them about, what would your reaction be? Watch our reaction when someone touches our things - it's the same. Because we're using the same bit of the brain. In a school, it can look like a total overreaction.

For this reason, the Government is revising everything it thought it knew about inclusion and schools. It's realising that some children do much much better in a very specialised setting where these differences can be respected and where that child can learn social skills at their own pace without bullying. But for now, as the others have said, parents so often need to fight for safety and it's really awful for them and for their child.

Thank you Attila and thank you again Amber.

We are lucky enough to be in a primary school so the moment the support is taken away I will apply for a statement. Otherwise I'll apply in Y4.

It's actually called a hate crime and the police are taking it seriously. I know someone how called the police and was surpised at there response which was to take it properly and would take action if called upon. Maybe someone from the police could come in and give a talk about it.

It's actually called a hate crime and the police are taking it seriously.

I wish they were - but that's not been our experience.

On 4 separate occasions the Police have refused to take this seriously

1. son assaulted at school - nose broken - Police informed and police photographer took pictures. Result - school convinced Police that it was all in son's mind and investigation dropped

2. son assaulted at Uni - attempted strangulation by student who broke into his room. Police called, attended and put in down to student high jinks I think not!

3. I insisted on making formal complaint about the attempted strangulation - injuries photographed - perpetrator arrested and released on Police Bail - CPS dropped the case

4. DS was defrauded by bus driver who issued him a blank ticket and charged him full fare and gave no change for the bank note. Reported to Police - call handlerinitially refused to put Police on the case - I complained. Spoke to lovely Policeman who had realative with Asperegrs so fully understood. Evidence (ticket) provided and statement given - Case dropped.
   I also made a complaint to the IPC about the failure of the call handler to even consider a crime may have taken place. IPC investigated. Outcome: Call handler 'received training' and nice Policeman was disciplined for 'raising my expectations' = presumably for acting like a human being.

So much for protection for the vulnerable.

Unfortunately the view appears to be that ASD people make very poor witnesses and would perform very badly if they had to give evidence in court. So the CPS balance the possibility of securing a conviction and decide it's stacked against them. Case dropped.

If your child is bullied or assaulted PLEASE DO call the Police.

I fully intend to pursue any future incidents to the bitter end.

Heck and triple heck. Though you're not alone in finding those things, alas.

I've been doing some training for the Crown Prosecution Service that may help change that

It's certainly not true that we make bad witnesses. Our tendency to tell the truth and be very accurate and notice small details makes us as good as anyone else (and there's research that supports it too). The National Autistic Society has done some good info sheets for police etc - worth directing them to the NAS if they are awkward about things. Every person on the autism spectrum deserves safety and respect.

(Amber But obviously every person on the autism spectrum is different. Some would make good witnesses; some wouldn't. )

OP, I really hope you get this sorted for your daughter. It's heartbreaking. I think the advice you have been given is spot-on - I think police, new school and circle of friends at this new school would be ideal. Good luck.

hence 'as good as anyone else'. It's in the context of the posts above where the CPS too often believed that we generally were not worth having as witnesses. It doesn't mean that I believe every autistic person is an excellent witness. But interviewers have to know to use particular interviewing techniques, otherwise they get the wrong answers.

thank you all for this. i'm right now in the process of calling a meeting with the school to discuss the latest ed psych report (which makes pointed comment about bullying and refers the school to local council's anti-bullying subgroup) and getting in touch with the NAS for help with the statement. there's also a parent partnership counsellor who has offered support.
i wish you all weren't going through this too, but i do appreciate hearing how you've coped with it. thank you.

SophRunning

I would keep the Ed Pysch report in a very safe place indeed. It is virtually unheard of to get, in writing, confirmation that bullying has occurred.

You can use that report to demand just about anything from school / LA and use it as evidence should the situation deteriorate and you need to seek a legal remedy.

Best wishes