Does anyone else feel paranoid?

[GodKeepsGiving]

4 of my children are SN. I worry endlessly because they have autism and have rages and there is always loads of conflict - I always feel frightened that a social worker will come along and say it's all my fault and that I can't cope. I can, it's just difficult. I just want some reassurance really that others are plagued with the same self doubt, or is just me?

I do worry about the same thing, especially as DH & I are having lots of problems right now. I feel like we're sitting on a knife edge. I told DH tonight that if it came down to what was best for the children and him, the children will win each and every time, and that he better remember that. The stress is unbelievable sometimes, and I often think that DS2 would be better if DH was not living with us, as DH does not deal or cope with DS2 well at all. I feel like a constant referee.

Thanks Triggles. Sorry to hear you're having a rough time too - DH and I have just been through a dreadful patch. I know what you mean about being a referee too. Does your DH seem to regress to his childhood with the children? Mine does, and the pressure is phenomenal. Thanks for replying - I'll sleep better

Nope you are not alone :)

The screams from DS are sometimes (actually most of the time) blood curdling when he is on one. I actually keep my curtains open at night so that people can actually SEE that we are not infact killing him and that he is quite happily screaming away unharmed.

Coff33pot, I have just taken my living room net curtains down for the same reason! DD3 has spent all afternoon screaming like the girl from the Trio advert and generally being aggressive. I just feel sometimes that I'm at the mercy of other people's judgements - as we all are to some extent. Nice to know I'm not alone

GKG - yes, I have told DH on more than one occasion recently that I am tired of him acting like a stroppy teenager. To which he responds by whinging and saying "don't tell me what to do." Thus illustrating my point. It's maddening, I will admit.

I do wonder what the neighbours think - between our arguments and the boys screaming all the time (5yo with SNs and 2yo who likes to scream) - I can't believe we haven't had police at our door yet. I'm convinced the neighbours are hard of hearing.

I'm not paranoid any more because I KNOW that they're all against me. The relief and reduced stress that brings is huge. I know the score and don't have to pretend, hide, worry what people think any more.

Thanks everyone - it's bloody rotten isn't it! Starlight, perhaps the scrutiny IS inevitable. We are monitored by HVs, GPs, OTs and other professionals - it makes me feel on edge. Especially the phoney concern,
And how are you coping?'/Have you got a drink or drug problem? Psychotically depressed?

There just doesn't seem to be anywhere to safely offload and the dcs are such hard work. I live for good patches. Goodnight all

If anyone asks how are you coping..............thats the one I dont trust. :)

Goodnight :)

My head is taking me on the journey Star has described.

It's amazing how liberating the feeling of just not caring whether they "like" you or not is.

I've learnt the hard way that the bottom line is that I really am the only one putting the child's needs anywhere near the top of the priority list.

If you really feel scared just remind yourself that kids like ours often cost a minimum of £1500 a week for foster care, and that's before the costs of the therapies etc the authorities can no longer avoid giving them. Chances of them being willing to fork out that kind of money when getting 2 hours respite per month is close to impossible for many familes is slim. It's far easier for social services as long as parents remain scared of them - otherwise people might start asking nasty questions like - why don't more familes get real, tangible, practical support when they need it?

Thanks bochead, that's reassuring. I've never had any dealings with social services but whenever things get too much with the children I feel afraid that it's me that's making them worse and someone (SS) will find out and take them away. I could do with more practical support but I'm not sure how to get it and with horror stories circulating I feel scared to ask. I might ask my HV, but as coff3pot says, we know they're out to get us

Oddly enough, I've found my DS2's OT the biggest help in this regard. DH is clinically depressed, a large part of which is his inability to accept and deal with DS2's disabilities and the effect it has on our lives. His GP said they were unable to provide any type of counselling other than over the phone, which takes months to get set up. He's tried this before and it was not helpful in the slightest. He is, however, on the waiting list to try it again - has been on the waiting list for a few months already. When I spoke to the OT recently, she asked how we were doing, and I mentioned this situation. Because this is directly related to DS2's disability, she has said she is going to look into finding some type of avenue to get him some counselling as she feels overall it will benefit DS2 as well if DH get this support.

She has also managed to get someone in to do some work on our windows, which were unsafe for DS2 (long story). They've already started work on the windows and will be done next week. And because the prior tenants (council house) took out the doors downstairs (kitchen, living room, dining room, etc), she is in the process of getting some of these (most noteably one of those 1/2 and 1/2 barn type doors for our kitchen) replaced so that our house is safer for DS2, which will reduce our stress greatly.

She is also the one that assisted us in getting the Maclaren Major for DS2. She's told me on a couple of occasions that she knows I am under a great deal of stress, and that she would like to help, but that she will not contact any agencies or anything like that (caf, ss, etc) unless I ask her to. She stated that she could not legally take it further unless she had my permission, as it was obvious that DS2 was being well taken care of.

Logically, I know we are doing our best and that the likelihood of them waltzing in and taking our children are nil. But I think the stress gets to you sometimes, and we are our own worst critics, aren't we? The OT is always saying what a wonderful job we are doing with DS2.. but I honestly don't feel like we are. I suppose because I want to be able to just "care" his disabilities away. sigh..

Oh yes I know this feeling. I took DS (then 3) to DDs sports day (she is 5) and he screamed and screamed because he wanted to go off and run with his sister or go the park. Standing there watching was not something he wanted to do and boy did he make that clear. The other parents kept looking at us and it was absolute torture. He has also had some meltdowns at the school gates - waiting is not a strong point of his. Since then mothers who used to speak to me turn the other way and DD who has no issues and lots of friends and is very popular doesn't get invited to many parties any more :( Maybe it's just my paranoia that this is due to DS or because they think I'm a rubbish parent.

I also wonder what the neighbours think about DS screaming all the time...

This morning has done little to improve my insecurities. I took DS2 to the hospital for his eye appointment and during the 6 mile taxi journey he discussed, in his very loud and clear voice, the dangers of quicksand and how easily it was possible to suffocate and drown. Dying is one of his obsessions, which never sounds good. Thankfully the taxi driver was easygoing and just focussed on his incredible sentence construction. It's a relief to know that it isn't just me who worries about this!
Triggles, I have just been referred to OT so hopefully they'll help us too. My DH is depressed too. Our whole lives are affected and we didn't realise the scale of the problems involved until recently.

Thanks justaboutstillhere! Your name is great too. It really does help to know I'm not alone, especially since with SN children even the challenges are unpredictable. I've got a good marriage, usually, but even that feels subject to scrutiny since I seem to have produced highly indiscreet offspring. Thanks for your honesty everyone, I know it's a deeply personal issue

I went through it this year. For a while I was a nervous wreck. Now though I'm like "f**k em!".

I KNOW I try 5 x harder than the parents of my son's NT classmates 365 days a year 24/7. I KNOW that the services supposed to support my son have let him down over, and over again. I KNOW they lie, (otherwise the individual that wrapped her arms round a 6 year old's neck and squeezed would have been sacked ffs!). I KNOW I love him too much to ever stop trying.

I also KNOW to be cynical and on my guard at all times when dealing ith new officials and that they can't be trusted. I also know lots of these people haven't read their own job descriptions, those that are honest and competent and decent have a tough time trying to help kids as they have to wade though the corruption around them. I feel lots of sympathy for good professionals now, helping kids in that environment is hard and makes their efforts all the more appreciated.

I'm no longer the same person I was, I'm tougher, harder and less willing to accept excuses or be bullied into submission.

There must be something in the air.

Last night I wrote a long post about how I dont think I am coping, wanted to give up for a few days just to sleep and just "be", getting fed up with the comments, judgements, offers of quite frankly useless advice and doing it all on my own, been crying all day, wondering if I was depressed..etc.etc.etc

but them bottled out of posting it.

Feeeling better today but do wish I had made that post now. Sorry OP and thank you.

Molepom, thank you for replying. I think the pressure on SN parents is phenomenal and stress can induce paranoia and depression. All the horror stories about SN parents getting to the end of their tether make it harder still to ask for help. I think we probably all should.
Bochead, that's really interesting. I hope that I become as confident as you. Well done .