Pre-school teacher making me feel like a sh*t parent to my ADHD DS (5)

[NunTheWiser]

DS is in kindy 2 days a week. He was diagnosed with ADHD in February, not a surprise to us as DD1 (12) and DD2 (10) both have ADHD and it is prevalent in both sides of the family. DS also has constructional apraxia and is showing early signs of dyslexia. The girls are doing incredibly well on ritalin however, in Western Australia, the health authority will not allow a prescription for ritalin to children under 6 unless there are very extreme circumstances. He could be prescribed dex, however his reaction to it was so bad, we had to stop the trial.
We know what we're doing and what we're up against. We try really hard to access all the help and support he needs. We've paid to see the state's leading ADHD specialist, we see a psychiatrist to monitor and prescribe medications for the children (GPs can't prescribe these drugs here), he sees a SALT and an OT to help with the other issues.
I understand that his behaviour can be challenging in the class but he is generally very good at doing what is asked of him, shows little to no oppositional behaviour, is kind and polite. He does get fidgety on the mat and has trouble concentrating and does have poor social skills compared to his peers. We do try to model appropriate behaviour at home - taking turns, not interrupting or getting into others' personal space, but the ADHD means that he mostly forgets all this as soon as he's in another environment.
I picked him up from kindy yesterday and the teacher pulled me aside to say his behaviour was incredibly hyper, he wasn't paying attention, he was fidgeting on the mat and irritating the other children. Apparently the other children think he is "really weird" and dont want to include him. She told us that we need to work on his social skills and talk to him about being calm in the class. Apparently, we should be changing his diet because "everyone knows diet makes ADHD worse". Feel like sh*t. I can't monitor his behaviour when he's at school. I can't help him with the other kids. I can't make him more popular or less weird. Even if there weren't reams of studies showing that diet makes next to no difference to a neurobiological condition, I do feed him really healthily and make a good packed lunch for him. She has all the reports and recommendations for how to manage him in class. I can't do anything when I'm not there.
Spent yesterday pm in tears after pick up. I don't know what else to do.
Sorry to drone on, needed to vent.

I'm surprised you could hear her muffled voice from where her head must have been stuck.
I'm sure it is no different in Australia, but when you leave your child at school - they are in loco parentis and have a duty of care. What are they doing to make sure that when your DS is in school that he has help with his social skills and that the class include him? She may have the reports and recommendations, but is she carrying them out.
Throw the ball back in her court and ask what she is doing at school that works that you might be able to use at home so that both school and home are working together. If she comes back with nothing, offer to share things that you are doing at home that work.

That's rotten. It's part of his disability - if he's like my son it's CAN'T not WON'T. You are obviously doing everything you can do. The part about the other children excluding him and finding him 'weird' is downright unkind. I would complain. Strongly.

Thank you for that. Sometimes it feels like you must be doing something wrong when school teachers talk to you this way. I really appreciate the kind words.

The teacher should not be telling you the other children find him weird, she should be doing something to correct their attitudes.
Is she very young, or newly qualified?
You aren't with him, so how ever much you tell him how he is to behave , she is the one who has to help him to do it.
Do you have a special needs co-ordinator you can talk to? I don't know much about the Australian system, and I understand it varies from State to State.

The cheek of her. I know that diet has nothing to do with my ds's ADHD for the same reason as yours, it genetic! We get this a lot in the UK too, complete idiots who think because they have done 1 day on SN, in the 3 years the go to uni that they know everything.
I agree with jandy, she should be teaching the other children about differences in people and encouraging your sons inclusion.

What social skill learning strategies has she got in place within the classroom? when you hand him over it is her responsibility to carry on with this.

I get stupid comments like "the children were pleased with him today" or yes they think he is wierd. It sticks in your throat but I just ignore it. Funny how the ones that think he is wierd are actually the ones that make the effort and say hello!

The teacher should be encouraging him and the other children to interact and act as a role model in play/games/social interaction like show and tell or talk time.

I would be asking her where she received her training and degrees in Nutrition/Diet, Genetic Conditions, and Brain function, if she knows so much that diet makes such a difference. And then I would ask her to show you those studies that she must be referring to.

What a putz. (her, obviously!)

Really Ms Teacher? Trouble managing and teaching him?

No, we don't have very much bother with his ADHD symptoms at home. I guess it's because we're both experienced and trained in managing his condition effectively [super sweet smile]. Perhaps I can go through some guidance for ADHD in educational settings with you?

I'd save this next section for if she does it again...

It must be very difficult to cope with this. Is there any support that you can access as a teacher? [head tilted false sympathy expression].

Of course, you'll know my girls have the same condition, I think they had Ms Y when they were in kindergarten. They're doing so well after all her input, maybe we should ask for her advice? [Mess with me again and you'll be sorry emoticon].

Im presuming the ban is a national health service one, rather than a licensing problem since a lot of childrens drugs are not officially tested for kids below certain ages.

If so, could the psych do a private prescription for generic methylphenidate? It's cheap as chips here but the pharmacy dispensing fee will add a bit.

I posted on this a few years ago when we had a very similar problem with DS1's nursery. Whipping him out and moving him to a new place where he was understood, loved and nurtured was the best thing we could have done.

He's at school now, but the teachers there still see him a few times a week when I pick DD up, and they make him feel a million dollars!

annoying nursery teacher thread

without trying to sound rude, how young do they dx adhd OP. Here its 6/7years before they consider it here.

Well, Lisa, with DD2 and DS, the hyperactivity is so pronounced, almost manic actually at times, that it was very obviously not within the bounds of normal from a very young age. DD2 was 6.5 when she was formally diagnosed and DS was 5 (he'll be 6 in a few weeks). DD1 has the inattentive type rather than the hyperactive type so she was not diagnosed until she was 8.