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SN children

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Original poster

what do i tell my son about dying?

18 replies

joooly · 25/10/2011 22:45

My 4 year old DS possible aspergers no DX keeps on asking me everyday about dying and what happens. He doesn't want to die and gets quite upset. I have told him that people grow up and get old, he'll be 100yrs before he needs to think about it. I just wonder if i should fob him off with he wont die or go on to say that heaven is a lovely place...i just dont want him to think heaven is great and try to get there ....... i really dont know what to say to him now. be really grateful for any advice. :(

OP posts:

madwomanintheattic · 25/10/2011 23:05

i think i'd work on distraction.

if it helps, it's a really really common theme at this age, even with nt kids. they all get a bit stuck in an endless death loop. just a bit trickier with potential sn kids to get them out of it. but tbh, nothing you tell him will satisfy him, there will still be another q, then another, so i'd def go with distraction.

there are some social stories around i think, but really, no need to go there at this point.

sometimes it's nice to have an nt problem! (once they have gone through it)

Original poster

joooly · 25/10/2011 23:14

thanks madwoman, never even considered distracting him lol. I'll give it a try first thing tomorrow, the conversation usually starts after we talk about the long flight we're taking in a few weeks time, he has dreams that he will fall through a hole in the plane and i cant catch him because i'm holding his younger sister. :( poor baby, makes me feel terrible for making him fly.

OP posts:

coff33pot · 25/10/2011 23:17

I agree leave it as long as you can :)

DS started this question at 4 when he had a religious studies in school and they talked about Jesus and his father god in heaven. "whats heaven like", "why cant you tell me" "Jesus died and went there can you die too?" "Can I go up and see what its like" "I cant?" THEN ITS NOT REAL!!! And there was hell to pay at the school for the poor teacher

It gets worse when pets die etc Also I tried to use the "no one dies till they are very very old" bad move as every elderly person he saw he just plain came out with "they are going to die soon mummy" This went on for weeks

coff33pot · 25/10/2011 23:27

Perhaps a social story more linked to the plane journey? You could also say you cant fall down a hole and I cant lose you because the plane has magic seats that are linked together and we have special hugging belts :)

zzzzz · 25/10/2011 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madwomanintheattic · 26/10/2011 00:29

oh yes, focus on the plane. every time he starts on about falling through a whole, say 'there are no holes to fall through!' and then immediately 'won't it be good to see granny/ go to the beach/ the eiffel tower' or whatever the reason for the flight. and talk about the pilot, and what happens, and will there be pizza for lunch on the plane, or i wonder what they'll be to drink - they have a big trolley you know, that they wheel down the aisle and give everyone a drink from!' etc etc. concentrate large on all the fantastic exciting aspects that are actually true, and diminish the imaginary ones.

we used to fly with ours a lot. has he got a special bag that he can take into the cabin with him with his favourite toys? ask him what he wants in it, etc etc.

madwomanintheattic · 26/10/2011 00:31

if it helps at all, ds1 is still resolutely refusing to grow up at nearly 10. he's the original peter pan. he has no intention of ever becoming an adult, because then you die. he just hasn't worked out how he's going to accomplish this, what with the whole circle of life thing.

Original poster

joooly · 26/10/2011 19:13

thanks everyone for the help. I'm going with distraction and blunt dismiss the dying thing. He had recurring dreams where he falls through a hole in the plane and lands on his bed, i showed him i could hold both him and his sister and ran around the room with them, that seems to have helped a bit :) I cant mention being old (older mummy) because he thinks i'm for the chop soon and nana is as good as dead lol, thanks everyone.

OP posts:

2littlecherubs · 26/10/2011 19:31

My ds (5 in Jan) has also started on about dying. I have explained that you go to heaven but he doesn't understand the concept that you don't come back. he got really upset the other night as he didn't want me to die and if I did he would go to heaven and bring me home.
It is really difficult as I just dont know what to say (he knows Granny is in heaven (or Devon as he calls it) and watching over us but he often goes to bed crying and saying he doesn't want to die or me to die.

He wanted me to promise the other night that I wouldn't die (which I obviously couldn't do) so I just brushed over it by saying I hope I won't die soon but if I do I will be watching over you and that I love you.
Hopefully it is just a phase :(

madwomanintheattic · 26/10/2011 23:05

it is a phase. they all go through it around that age. this too shall pass and all that.

mariamagdalena · 27/10/2011 00:48

Know what you mean about not wanting Heaven to sound too appealing.

Have got round the problem for now by telling him killing onself or death via culpable accidents would land you in purgatory 'sort of a naughty chair outside heaven where God sits you for ages till you're very very bored and very sorry'

Feel free to pinch and adapt, suspect being RC might make it easier to say convincingly though

madwomanintheattic · 27/10/2011 00:50

i am squealing with delight at mariamagdalena offering advice on how not to make heaven sound too appealing.

only on mn.

coff33pot · 27/10/2011 00:54

I am going to remember that line

madwomanintheattic · 27/10/2011 00:56

and, and, i should have said 'we too shall pass'

i need a drink.

mariamagdalena · 27/10/2011 01:24

My namesake with the unconventional career path to sainthood wd presumably get the (unintentional) joke too....

Maybe I should drink more alcohol. I might become inhibited and thoughtful. But on the other hand then I couldn't make anyone choke on their

madwomanintheattic · 27/10/2011 01:26

Original poster

joooly · 27/10/2011 22:14

too cheery you lot :) dont knw how to put the wine glass on here but cheers anyway. x

OP posts:

coff33pot · 27/10/2011 23:22

Its like this just make sure its a full one!

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