Horrible morning. I've completely broken down.

[makemineaquadruple]

How dare I start to feeling more positive!! How dare I start to relax!! Do I have a right to be happy? I'm not sure anymore. Am I just weak?

As some of you will know i've had a pretty rubbish time of it recently and a lot of that is down to dd's challenging behaviour. The last couple of days however things got marginally better. She's been less defiant, less violent and overall just a bit easier. Also, she's not getting out of bed as much so i've managed to get a little sleep. Only 4 hours or so, but that's 3 hours more than I have been getting.

I woke up this morning feeling quite positive and dd seemed to be in a good mood. Came in for a cuddle, came downstairs when I asked her to, had her breakfast and wasn't shouting "NO!!" all the time. Something snapped though and for over an hour is was constant screaming, scratching, biting etc. She was so late for school we had to go round the main entrance, which is a nightmare for dd because it's not in her usual routine. She was convinced that she was going to the heads office for being late. I had to leave her crying for me and i'm absolutely crushed. I have called the school to make sure everything's ok, which I normally resist. This morning though, I just couldn't help it. I was so worked up I started to feel sick with anxiety.

Why has this happened? Nothing in her routine had changed(before getting to school), she's slept, she's not poorly, school says she's doing really well and is really happy. Where did this come from?!

I'm supposed to be seeing the doctors tomorrow about my depression, which is a big step for me. The way i'm feeling now though, I don't feel I can do it. I really feel such a failure and I don't see how anyone can help me. I feel selfish for turning this round to me and my issues. What's wrong with me?!! I'm just so sad.

Oh sweetheart, of course you're not selfish. It's so bloody frustrating trying to anticipate everything and having that ball of tension in your belly wondering the mood your child or children in my case will be in when they get up...

It could be something as basic as a label scratching her neck! Or maybe something trivial to us but important to her happened in school yesterday. It's so hard to tell. My boys used to flip if we cut their toast the wrong way, and it could be exactly the same way as you'd cut it the day before!

You are NOT a failure. Far from it my lovely. You are coping so well with a very difficult situation and one which appears there is no end.
I don't know how old your daughter is but I know mine were much more unpredictable when they were young. I've learnt a lot of their triggers over the years although with youngest it's still hard (they're 13 n 14)

Sounds like reactive depression to me, not that I am any sort of expert in depression, but you are pied off with things which feel out of your control. it's natural to be depressed about it all. Anyone would be. it doesn't mean you're weak or a failure, it just means you are very human.

Might not be the done thing on here but sod it, sending you massive cyber hugs...mind they don't knock you flying!

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time but it's essential you make your apt tomorrow with your doctor! Depression clouds everything and makes hills seem like insurmountable mountains. I resisted help with depression a number of years back and really regret the time I lost. My DH recently went through a difficult period coming to terms with our DS, one short course of anti-drepressants and someone neutral to talk to has really helped him.

Ok so maybe the situation with you DD won't change immensely but if you are well you may be able to cope much better. And of course sleep - can you rest when the kids are at school? Or is there anyone who could give you a few hours rest even once a week?

makemine so sorry to hear about your morning. Please try and make your appointment tomorrow, otherwise all the effort you've already put in, will be lost.

You really really are NOT a failure! You have to let go of these bad thoughts about yourself. You are dealing with a stressful and relenting situation. Beating yourself up is not the answer and it's completely misplaced.

Do you think your DD's behaviour is related to school?

Are you sure you are depressed or just sleep deprived? People underestimate the damage long term (anything over a fortnight or so) sleep deprivation does to our cognitive function!!!

If you can get into a routine of even a couple of hours kip while your child is at school you'd be amazed at the difference it can make to your mental well being.

Please, please make sure you tell the gp how little sleep you are/have been getting. Write it down and give her the slip of paper if you are worried you on't be able to say it out loud at the appointment.

Oh bless you you are in no way a failure! You must be kind to yourself you are having such a difficult time right now with a lot of things going on. I am sorry you had such a bad morning.

You really need to keep this appointment though. It is vital to your well being even though it doesnt feel like that at the moment. You support your DD well but you also need support yourself right now. Sending virtual hugs xx

Unrelenting, not relenting... How are you feeling now?

Hi everyone. Thanks for replying. Sorry it's taken me so long to respond, you know how it is sometimes.

I did go to my appointment. I managed to keep it together, I think. She's strongly reccommeding anti depressants and possibly CBT (cognative behavioural therapy). I'm still really dubious about taking them. I took seroxat when I was 12 and I had such a horrible time coming off them. They've not had the best press either. Don't know if anyone's heard about them. I know that there are so many kinds out there, but I just think that if it's like a chemical inbalance surely once I come off them, I'll just become depressed again. She did say that it was a possibility i'd be on them forever, which sounds pretty daunting. Also, I did some research about taking them during pregnancy and it doesn't sound good. I'm not actively trying right now, but you can never say never so I want to make sure that I wont be putting my baby's health at risk. What I read sent alarm bells ringing.

Does anyone have any experience with anti depressants and pregnancy?

Dd got off to school ok this morning which is something I wasn't expecting. So overall i'm feeling less anxious.

Would write more, but my computer keeps wiping out everything i've written so i'll quit while i'm ahead.

Thanks again