Does your HFA child have aggressive meltdowns on a regular basis at school?

[MissHazeleyes]

Because right now I feel like I am the only one. Ds is 8 and very high functioning. He also has hypermobility and dyspraxia.

Ds was until recently in MS, I would be called in almost daily to help him calm down. He simply couldnt cope there. He is now in an ASD unit attached to a mainstream school, he has been there for a matter of days and has already had a couple of meltdowns where he has needed to be restrained today he has come home with marks on his arms from being restrained and a bruise on his face.

We do not have these issues at home and I am at my wits end. When these incidents are reported back to me they just sound utterly horrific and everyone seems so shaken and shocked by them. I am too, although I suppose having been dealing with them in the school environment for the past three years I am used to it.

What do we do? I feel like there is nowhere left to turn. We tried mainstream, we tried asd unit, nothing works, the only thing that works is him being at home where he is calm and happy. We live in a very Home Educating unfriendly area and life would be very difficult if we pulled him out to HE, I am beginning to think this really is the only option though. The agencies involved with him here though seem to think that he HAS to be forced into not having ASD, this is how it feels to me anyway. He HAS to be in school, he HAS to learn to adapt, what if he can't? What if he simply cannot change and adapt to suit the school system?

I just feel totally isolated and alone and I am sure ds does too, no amount of talking works, no amount of explaining to him that his behaviour are unacceptable works, nothing works. I honestly do not know where we go from here.

I am scared that even with diagnosis they will say it must be my parenting as all other help is in place, ie ASD unit, statement etc. As I say though nothing happens at home, he is happy and calm and a gentle child 98% of the time when here.

I am in despair.

I've seen the same idea expressed in different ways (ie 5 point scale etc) but the bucket analogy is clearer, I think. Anxiety is often underestimated in children like ours, especially when they lack the verbal/emotional capacity to say "I feel anxious" .

Holland is vile -just so shallow and patronising. Hate it.

Meh, I'll be 30 next month and rarely know how to tell someone I'm feeling anxious - I wouldn't expect any child to recognise then verbalise a feeling that complex!!

Holland is the nice clean sanitised version of disability that the outside world likes to think is the reality

Yes, totally agree about anxiety. I found that when ds was in school he was expected to have social and emotional abilities above those of his peers, despite a diagosis that should have given a hint that he would instead have deficits in those areas. In many ways he experienced discrimination because he was academically bright and teachers would often tell him "you're a clever lad, ds, you should know not to behave that way". But then again, I've accepted that we were spectacularly unlucky with the degree of poorly trained teachers we encountered along the way, and I do appreciate that they're not all like that .

MissHazeleyes

We were recommended residential by our EP and psych who said DS needed a waking day curriculum. DS started attending when he was 11 - I can understand why you wouldn't want to consider it when your DS is only 8. There was just no suitable secondary provision locally - he would have had to attend a SN school/unit and give up any chance of taking GCSEs, mainstream was totally out of the question because of sensory/organisational issues. DS could never have adapted to a mainstream secondary but he is doing well in an ASD specialist provision.

I asked about HFA because I think it can be a deceptive label - I wouldn't call DS high functioning in his everyday life now. He's articulate and bright, like your DS, and can seem NT when he feels safe and comfortable. But the gap between him and his NT peers is growing increasingly wide. It sounds like the unit are making the assumption that your DS can control his behaviour just because he appears able to cope at other times and they don't really understand the role of anxiety in his behaviour.

I've only worked in residential, I don't have a child (at all, let alone SN)

From the staff point of view, it is much easier to manage behaviour when you get to go home after 8 hours or so. Parents don't have that option, you're there all day every day. I walk in at 7am, then I walk out at 3/4pm to something completely different - peace and quiet in the car for 20 minutes at the bare minimum! When you can see an end in sight, you can challenge much more behaviour, sometimes simply because the breaks between shifts give you the energy to do so. Also, there are many staff so if I get tired or targetted, someone else will step in. Parents don't have that option. Well, they do but who really wants to call the police?!

A good school will have your input at every step of the way. I have never written a PDP (Personal Development Plan - basically the social version of an IEP, with lots of rewards) without full parental consultation and backing. Weekly phone calls and emails as standard. Fortnightly weekends home - and I've fought for transport funding on behalf of a couple of families too.

No one is better than Mum and Dad. And I wouldn't try and persuade someone to send their child to a residential school, that's not my place. I offer my experience to those considering it because it's not the kind of thing you get in the prospectus

Plus I don't work in a residential school any more so I'm not going to compromise any confidentiality - pretty much every child I knew has now left year 11!!