So depressed. I don't know how much more I have to give.

[makemineaquadruple]

Firstly, I really don't want to drag anyone else down. I understand that this isn't exactly an uplifting post, but really needed to let this out somewhere. I also understand that many of you have much more to cope with than me.

I just feel like such a useless and weak mother. This morning was awful getting dd(4.10) to school. Normally i'm quite lucky in the sense that she likes to go, but something's clearly changed and she was screaming in the kitchen that she wasn't going. She was started growling and hitting, which she's not done for a long time. She did go eventually and we weren't that late in the end. I shouldn't have just come home and breathed a sigh of relief, but instead I came home and just crumbled. It's the absolute rollercoaster that i'm struggling with. She can have weeks where she's just a delight and I feel so lucky to have her, with or without her problems. Other times though when she's acting like she was this morning, not only has her behaviour taken a turn for the worse, but she apparently can't hear anything I say, her speech is off ie she doesn't really make any sense and will talk "gibberish" for want of a better word.

I really don't know what's wrong with me. We've been through worse than this before and i've "coped", but for some reason today I just feel exhausted and deflated.

It just feels as though whenever there's a positive and I, heaven forbid, allow myself to relax and accept our situation, something goes spectacuarly wrong and crumbles. I suppose if i'm being honest it's not just dd's issues, but they highlight other things which are going on at the minute. Things which I don't want to bore you with.

I really lost my temper with dd with morning. There was no breaking point. As soon as she started playing up, I was liken "right, i'm not having this!! Do as you're told or i'm going to be very angry!!!" I knew it wasn't going to work and I knew that my reaction was also probably due to the fact that I had about an hours sleep last night...............if that!

The amount of people who just tell me to stop worrying all the time! I don't know where that stop worrying switch is though. When i'm like this, i'm constantly feeling sick and anxious. I don't feel I can face the world. I have no strength.

I don't really know what i'm looking for really. Advice? Sympathy? I don't know, but you've all managed to help me see things more clearly in the past.

Thanks for reading.

I think I will have to go the gps at some point. It's not something that I want to do, but I can't go on like this and friends and family can only help to a certain degree.

I sometimes worry that if I do see a professional again, the floodgates will open and I want be able to close them. It's not like I never let my emotions out, but the idea of telling someone about all my feelings and thoughts makes me very nervous and vulnerable. It didn't work before, so I wonder why would it work this time? I know i'm an adult now and I possibly just had a really bad therapist , but I suppose it's sort of hardwired into my brain that it wont do any good. Does that make sense?

I just can't believe that i'm back here again. I've had this for 15 years on and off, but the older I get the harder I find to come out of it.

Maybe this time it will help. You have to try to stay open minded and positive which I know is a ridiculous thing to ask when you're feeling so bad. You have to give something a go in the hope that you will find a way not to come back here and get stuck in this dark place.

The thought of sharing your innermost feelings is always going to make anyone nervous and vulnerable, but it can often be the only way to rationalise them and ultimately help you feel good again.

You mentioned in the first post that other stuff was getting you down, feel free to share if you feel like it.

Just posted a really long reply and it disappeared for some reason!! Grrrr, i'll try again.

There are quite a few things which are getting me down apart from what i've already mentioned. A big one is the fact that dp and I aren't getting on that great at the minute. We've always had quite a firey relationship, but that's not really been the problem recently. It's more the fact that I don't really feel the spark anymore. I love him and I can't see that ever changing. The biggest reason i've stayed is dd. I know she would be absolutely mortified if all of a sudden daddy wasn't around very much anymore. Also, i'm not sure i'd be doing the right thing if I do still love him. I understand that most relationships lose there spark at some point, but I feel too young to accept that i'll never get that feeling again. So my heads been going round and round trying to decide what's best. I never get anywhere though. I just get more and more confused and more and more depressed.

Another reason which i've already mentioned actually, is work. I feel such a pressure to get back to work. Mainly for money reasons. I know it would be good for me, but I genuinely don't feel I have anything to offer anyone when i'm feeling like this.

If you met me you might be surprised that I have these thoughts and feelings. On the outside, I like to look good and take care of my appearance. I can go out with friends and have a laugh and appear "happy". As soon as i'm back home and back to reality I suppose, the cloud re appears and I get this over whelming feeling of what's the point of anything?

Whenever I tell new friends that I suffer with depression I always get quite an odd response. I think people assume that if you're not scruffy, rocking backwards and forwards and actually laugh from time to time, then you can't possibly be suffering with something like depression. The reality is depression can take hold of anyone at anytime. I believe that some people are more likely to have it down to genetics, but what I show on the outside is not what i'm feeling on the inside...........most of the time anyway. Yes, i'm I can come across as a little low sometimes and obviously my dp sees this more than anyone, but people don't realise how tortured I sometimes feel deep down.

If I was to look on the outside how I feel on the inside, I think i'd look a bit like a walking rain cloud.

Hate it when you lose a massive post you've written.

I'm not in any qualified to talk about depression, but I do experience it, probably not as prolonged though. I find when I have all these things like issues with dp, dc and myself, running through my head all the time, I get very hopeless. My way of coping is to let it all out by talking to someone or posting on here. If I didnt let it out, I would truly go mad.

I get the impression you bottle things up? And they become overwhelming.

I really feel you need to tackle each thing one by one, small steps. Maybe start by talking to someone professional and then decide what to tackle. You've coped this long, you can do it, just need to break the cycle of thoughts.

As I said before, alcohol really does make me less able to cope, as does tiredness. Maybe the first step could be to take care of your health and get some rest, go easier on yourself. Your thoughts about yourself being a failure are irrational. Let them go.

I think the dp thing could be a symptom of how you feel as is the work thing. I understand why you are so worries about dd but don't worry what others at school think, like someone said, she's probably doing better than you think. You can't control what happens at school, so try to redirect those negative thoughts.

From what you say about people not suspecting you get low from your demeanour, I think you need to realise it's ok to feel low, you dont have to hide it from the world. I think all the energy required to hide it must be exhausting and not good for you.

Let your guard down a little, you sound like a lovely, caring and intelligent woman who has taken on too much and rejected emotional support. You don't have to cope all by yourself, there are people and things that can help.

Try to get some sleep tonight if possible and make sure you're eating properly. Then visit the gp or another professional and take it from there. It will take time, but you can improve your situation, step by step.

I'm sorry if this doesn't help, but please keep posting if it's helping you to feel better :).

Exactly the same happened again!!! I don't understand why it keeps deleting. So annoying! Try again. Fingers crossed.

Firstly I wanted to say thank you mango for the lovely and supportive message. It's always nice to know that there are such caring and thoughtful people out there.

Had a really rubbish night last night with dd. She wasn't going to bed and was just being completely defiant and basically naughty. She started scratching and hitting and I just completely lost it. I really yelled and physically took her upstairs to bed. I felt so bad afterwards that I actually felt sick with guilt. I wanted to wake her up and give her a big hug and kiss and tell her I was sorry. My dp thought the fact I was feeling sick was strange. He didn't understand why I would have such a reaction. At one point I just asked him to help me. I wasn't being dramatic, I just felt like I needed him to do something............anything to get rid of this horrible feeling. I didn't know what. Maybe something as simple as a hug would have taken the edge off. Towards the end of the night it got better though and I didn't sleep too bad.

I opened up the other day to my mum about having this feeling back and I got the usual reaction of "we all feel like that from time to time. You just have to get on with it". Bear in mind she was there from the beginning of all this and she never really understood where I was coming from. It's so frustrating that some people think it's as simple as "snapping out of it". Do they really not think that if we could, we would?

Also, whenever I feel close enough to a friend to talk about this, I usually get a reaction like "I really don't know what to say to you?" I feel like i've made them uncomfortable. Like i'm expecting them to give me "the answers".

I know all these reasons are adding up as to why I should seek professional help. I think I probably will start the wheels moving. I just need to get the courage to do it. I did actually ask for help about 6 years ago and I was warned that it might take upto 6 weeks before I heard anything. 4 months later I got and phone call. By that point I was pregnant and the last thing I wanted was to bring up all the emotions. I thought it might harm my baby, so I declined. Maybe it was the wrong move I don't know.

I would go to your GP asap. I have suffered depression on and off for most of my life due to various circumstances so much so I know when the signals are rearing and I just go and get something to help.

You are having such a tough time and sound really low.

With regards to dd try writing down a list starting with the most important thing that you would like to deal with to the least important and keep it with you to refer back to.

Its hard I know when your mind is so crowded and if you are like me you find yourself coming up with the "it wont work because." That is only because you dont quiet know where you are at the moment :)

Pick the major one and then pick it to bits on paper. I will use the morning one as an example, write down each stage you have to go through to get dd out the door to school.

Washing
Dressing
Eating
Getting into school
How you feel in the morning
How dd feels in the morning

Plan on how you intend to tackle each one. Doesnt want to wash? fine attack her with a face wipe and have done with. It wont hurt and it will cancel out stresses for you and she knows she cant to a delay tactic. She can have a nice bath at night time to make up for it. Dont argue with her just do it silent and go "right time for breakfast"

Breakfast refusal
I dress before breakfast as this is my personal nightmare with DS. We do the top half, have breakfast then do bottom half to break it up.

If she refuses to eat. Leave it that way. Dont worry about what happens in school or her mood. You can point it out to the teacher when you drop her in that she wont eat this morning so may be grouchy. They know what to expect then. Have a cereal bar in your pocket on the walk to school. When she is out the door she may munch on it on the way. Hopefully she may then realise that she cant use the refusal to eat as a way of ruling you. Stop worrying about what other people think. You are not the only one having stresses even though you feel like it :)

Dressing: Like others said visual charts, laying out clothes. If DS is in a funny mood I just silently get on with dressing him as quick as poss with no talk. He moans yes but I dont speak back other than the first sentence of "clothes on".

Being late for school: So what. That is going to happen and does for many. I learnt to banish the panick of being late. Told the school DS had issues of the morning and they would have to bear with it. The school understood and the EP understood. Being on time was the last on the list for me. Having a smooth going morning and DS knowing its happening regardless of how he felt was more important. Being on time followed the quicker and smoother things went.

I have to add on a particular morning I did take DS to school by car in his jammies with his uniform in his bag and plopped him in the heads office. It was an extreme one I admit but it proved to DS he was going wether dressed or not and the school learnt from it that it was not me being lax on time keeping.

Sounds a peace of cake in writing but I know its not and DS and I are frequently at loggerheads every other morning but its getting less and less due to sticking to the same routine and not budging.

If you have achieved one thing that happens in the morning, thats one more thing of your list that you pat yourself on the back for. You can do this and get help for yourself at the same time which will help you get back on top of things xxx

Oh god re read my post and it sounds so dictatorial sorry! That what happens when you are juggling a vampire [ds] de fleaing a dog and hanging out washing at the same time!

What I was trying to get over is you have many private things going on that is causing you heartbreak right now and dealing with them all at once is a nigh on impossible and understandably crowding you :)

You cant do it all but one thing at a time eh? x

I do think parents are not necessarily the best people to confide in sometimes, they hate seeing you upset and just want to gloss over it and hope it goes away as it can make them feel helpless.

Talking to friends is hard too, as the want to say something useful but it's probably something you've already thought of. Truth is, like you said, you have to find the courage to take a first step...

Its not something you can just snap out of, bit by bit you can alleviate some of the intensity, I hope that posting is helping you to do that, although it might get worse before it gets better...

I really hope the waiting lists aren't that long, have you spoken to anyone on the mental health board, they might know more about want is available and what worked for them, in terms of practical solutions.

I completely get the sickness feeling, I've had it recently when I felt overwhelmed and lost, everything adds up to give you intense feelings that you can't control.

I don't know much about what the gp or hv will suggest. Have you tried talking to a charity like depression alliance uk? They might know a food starting point or you might be able to others to talk about it.

Is posting helping?

makemine, thanks for the kind words btw. I don't think I'm more thoughtful or caring than most, but I've been low and I think I would have ended up in a similar position to you had it not passed. Also, I've seen how depression affects people I care about and how it is generally not talked about, which can only make it worse. I wish it wasn't so hard to share stuff but I know for some people, it's nearly impossible, especially when it makes others who care feel helpless.

Thanks coff. You didn't come across as anything other than helpful. I think when you make a new routine, the real challenge is sticking to it. I think I can cope with difficult situations with dd, but what really gets me is when she laughs at me becoming frustrated. When I ask her not to do something and she does it anyway that can be annoying in itself, but nothing unusual for any parent to cope with. When she seems to find the whole situation amusing, I find it difficult to keep calm and carry on. That's always without fail the thing that makes me snap. It makes me so sad to think that she could get any kind of pleasure in seeing me unhappy. I will try to not let it show from now on though. All I know is that it's not working now, so I need to change my tactic.

Mango I think posting is helping. I have posted a lot of my concerns for dd in the past and also a little about my depression, but I don't think i've ever let quite so much out. I just to type it, read it back and then delete. This time however, I just though what the hell. Hopefully i'll get some good advice and I have.

Last night went better i'm pleased to say. It wasn't perfect, but it's not perfection i'm looking for or expecting. When it does go ok I back track and think to myself what have I done differently to avoid a battle? I can never think of anything. The bossiness is getting out of control I think too. She has this new routine of wanting to play too games before bed. Usually hide and seek or a scene from jack and the beanstalk. She's very much in control of the game ie who's turn it is, where she wants you to stand etc. I'm not sure whether to let that go or not. Whenever i've said actually no, i'm going to stand here this time for example, she'll go mental and be genuinely upset that i've messed up her image. To some it would just come across as very brattish behaviour and tbh, i'm not sure how I see it. Is this something as simple as her being a bossy little madam, or is it something more complicated. Even if it is something complicated, does that mean I don't discourage this kind of behaviour?

I didn't sleep too bad again last night and dp took the morning shift which was nice. I feel a bit strange this morning. Like i'm not all there. I'm just not used to sleep I guess.

I agree that parents aren't always the best people to judge or help. It's a difficult one because my mum and I are close and see each other a lot so her opinions get voiced quite a lot. I know she's not being deliberately cold, but that's how it comes across. Don't get me wrong, she'll always give me a hug if I need it, but sometimes I get the impression she thinks i'm just weak.

I meant two games not "too". Maybe I didn't get as much sleep as I thought..........

*makemine, glad to hear you got some sleep. Wrt the bossiness, even of it is something more complicated, you should probably try and make the games more flexible. How about when she asks you to do something, sometimes alter it slightly into 2 choices and ask her which would work better so she gets used to others contributing but she still feels in control at first. You'll probably have to be really positive, like " oh that's a great idea, shall I do it like this or this". (changing her origianl suggestion slightly for both). Hopefully might make her more open to input. Don't know if it will work, maybe others will have some ideas.

I try to mix things up just so she understands that she can't completely control how the games will go. I have to say sometimes(when i'm less stressed) it can be quite funny watching her telling us how to act out a certain scene for example. She'll be like "mummy, you stand there and I want you to look really frightened. Daddy, you stand there and I want you to look really confused...............when I come in you both say Ahhhhhhhh!!!! " and so on and so on. She reminds us of a little stroppy director. We should get her one of those special directors chairs! Next time i'm struggling to really connect to a character, i'll just ask her what's my motivation here?! So we do have good times, but I guess it just all comes to a head sometimes and everything just stops being funny.

I think i'll book myself in at the doctors tomorrow. I almost feel like I need to keep it to myself though. I don't really know why. I think a lot of my family, not so much friends, see it as a huge step back iyswim. A bit like here we go again. I wish I could be as open about it with them as I am on here.

Your DD does sound amusing. I was so bossy (kind of still am). Remember making my brother act out plays with me and play barbies, I always wanted him to play the game how I wanted and of course he hardly ever did! It could be a normal stage of development.

Glad you're going to gp. I think it may be easier to talk to your close ones when you feel you have for the ball rolling and are feeling more hopeful.

Btw, could get her one of those special directors chairs! Next time i'm struggling to really connect to a character, i'll just ask her what's my motivation here?!

Really made me smile! :) I haven't smiled much today (DP being a bit annoying and DS stimming like crazy).

Glad it made you smile. Me and dp do need to step back sometimes and see the funny side of things. Sometimes when i'm out with dd I get really stressed and dare I say, a little embarassed with some of what she says and does, I have to look at other people's reactions and most of the time dd just makes them laugh. She says things that most 4 year olds wouldn't say. For example we were sat outside at a pub yesterday and this little girl a bit younger than dd asked if she'd like to play. Dd said "er no, I don't think that's a good idea little girl. There's a river down there and you might fall in". We all laughed and it was funny, but at the same time it highlights that she's a bit "different".

Oh and talking about dp's being annoying. Mine is driving I me insane!! He's got the man "flu". He's got quite a physical job and often drive nails through his hands and saw off a toe and not bat an eye lid. However, as soon as he starts feeling a bit snuffly (diddums!!) that's all he bloody talks about. " I think i'm going to get it really bad this time" or "Don't ask me any questions because it hurts my throat to answer". Grrrrrr. I'm sure it scratches a bit, but get a grip! He's also just generally in a rubbish mood. Oh well, tomorrow's another day. Just hope the dreaded COLD doesn't get any worse or we'll never hear the last of it!

It is hard to know that your dc behaves differently and it might impact them as they get older. Others do seem to find the differences endearing if not bewildering. DS has a new stim of running round hollering constantly...really got to me today as it's going to make interaction with other toddlers a bit difficult.

Dp is literally driving me up the wall today, well he was this morning, just whining about his cold and back and being generally negative, I think he's a bit down at the moment, but wish he'd talk to me about it rather than redirecting it and making a big deal out of being a bit ill.

He's made an effort this afternoon, just left him with DS and went and hid in bedroom. Unfair I know but they has fun and we had some space from each other. Was thinking this morning that maybe the spark has gone in our relationship too, but I think I have to try not to be dramatic about it and hang on in there. I was in a really positive proactive mood this morning but within an hour of him getting up, he managed to make about 5 critical comments, you know when they won't actually help you do something but then moan about what you've done because it's not perfect. Very annoying. Don't really want to spend any time with him at the moment, which is unusual for us.