How do I tell my as child his behavoir is driving his friend away?

[christie1]

DS is 8 and has social sucess this year with a friend. We are thrilled but I have noticed when I am at the school and observe them together that the friendship may be more one sided. The other child is tolerant to ds and does play with him but also I can see him getting frustrated and annoyed by ds who follows him around and always wants to be beside him touching him and having his full attention. DS will be devasted to lose his first real friend. Any advice on how I talk about this to my son. I have said small things, but I fear making my son more anxious socially than he already is and destroying his fragile confidence in his ability to make a friend. God, this is so hard sometimes.

It's so difficult, isn't it? The urge to protect them from any hurt is overwhelming sometimes. Has he always had problems making friends, christie1? Did he go to a nursery?

in a similar situation with my 2, they dont understand what is appropriate social behaviour, so i can totally relate! we use the broken record technique, with limited success - constantly re-enforcing 'normal' behaviour. also use social stories to describe friendships. ds1 big thing is coming right in peoples faces - we talk about 'personal space' and try to show him the distance between faces when playing a game (an arms length). not much success as yet, but we find that just plodding on eventually gets thru in a lot of things!

christie - in the long run, your son will thank you more for being honest with him. I think MXPS suggestions are the way to go, I use this sort of talks to my children.

my parents never intervened, and let me make a prat of myself at school. My mother told me years later that "when you were suffering from food allergies, you were so difficult to know, and thats why you didnt have any friends"
Just an excuse really - I didnt have any friends because I didnt know how to behave with them - she could have helped me, but she didnt.

Does your ds understand that different children may have different social 'rules' to him? Could you talk to him genereally about the differences in likes and dislikes between him and his friend? something like 'I know you love construction toys but 'x' likes kicking balls around more, doesn't he? so when you play together you have to remember this and not upset each other' and sort of move on to the how you've noticed ds likes following 'x' around, but 'x' doesn't seem to like it, so as they're friends, you ds will have to remember this when they are together.

Have you tried getting ds books, or reading books to ds that explore what friendship is?

I agree with the others - I don't know your ds or his friend of course but as an outsider, I think you should keep gently saying something till your ds understands, even if it risks making him more socially anxious. In the long run, better that than the friendship to end.

i feel for you, your son is the same age as my ASD son, who is a bit clumsy with making friendships, at the moment thou his class mates really understand him i do wonder if this is time limited, maybe try social stories, i think there are a couple of board games that tackle social stuff but i dont remember what they are called.

Definitely go down the road of social stories, for each problem behaviour if you can identify them! Could you have the friend over to yours, so you can keep an eye and intervene. I bet there's already a social story about friendships you could adapt. I think carole grey has a website of them, try googling.

This is excellent advice. Yes, he has always had trouble making friends, in fact, he always said he had no friends and he was wierd so this is really exciting for him that this kid plays with him. Went to nursury one year but it didn't go well. No one played with him and the teachers complained he ate glue and crayons all the time and didn;t understand why he wouldn't play with the other kids. I do read books about feelings and try to explain that things he does may make the other person annoyed or there are times to talk and times to listen etc but then I am not sure how much gets through. But I will definately keep it up. NOt sure what is meant by social stories though, haven't tried those.

social stories

It's worth searching on google- sometimes you can find one you want written and then just change the names.

That website is really interesting!
I wish someone would write some grown up ones for me. I cannot get out of my head, the idea that there is one right solution for everything (I should have lived in the late 18th century!!) and that success in life comes from knowing what it is. Real life is just too complicated!

I really appreciate the support. I am going to try the social stories. They are great. I did talk to ds after reading everyone's comments. I put it to him that while this child was his special friend, it would only be fair to the other kids that he also talk to them, sit with them, play with them sometimes too so they can also know what a great boy he is and also it is good for him to play with dirent people so he practice making friends. But this child can still be his best friend. Time will tell if it got through. I needed some perspective because least year he didn't play with anyone and spent his time running around a big tree in the schoolyard alone. He still does that alot but some days when I pick him up he is actually with a group of kids playing and smiling so I need to step back a bit and look at his social progress. Thanks everyone for the advice.