I'm in tears I need some help

[CardyMow]

I just can't cope with DD any more. When she was 4yo, her paed said she's on the autistic spectrum, threw some leaflets at me and left me to get on with it. Can't get official dx as school refusing to back me because if they do, they would actually have to help me.

DD has been a school refuser since school nursery (tbh even pre-school). Schools have never cared because I've got her there, on time. They see no problems with her (ha fucking ha, they do, but will never admit that they are 'official') I wiush they could live through a ,morning in my house. I just can't fiucking do it any more.

No oine but noone will help me. I can't get the children with disabilities team at SS to offer help because she 'doesn't have PHYSICAL disabilities'. They refer me to Child protection which will just get all my dc took away. CP never offer any practical help. I can't leave DD alone in a room with any of her siblings in case she hits or kicks or punches them (which is not normal in a 13yo, I don't care what people say, 13yo's don't take out frustrations on an 8mo baby FFS) I can't get any housework done.

I spoke to the HV who said she'd refer to homestart. Two weeks ago heard nothing. She also said that she waoould refer to SWAN about how small my house is (HA house, 2.5 bed when I need a 4bed). Heard nothing. Only ASD support group is over an hours bus ride away and I can't afford the £10 it costs to get there. Can't get DLA for DD bcause none will help get an 'official' dx - even tho it says on all her paed records that she is somewhere on the spectrum, it's not official by ADOS test.

I am fucking falling apart here and noone will help. DS2 also has asd - again, 'slightly' more official, buyt still blank refusal by school to back me and get ADOS test done. Even though paed, S&L threrapist OT and phgysio all say he's on the spectrum. NADA. Scuse shit typing I'm at my wits end.

DD keeps telling DS1 that she hates him, wishes he hadn't been born, wishes he was dead, doesn't want him in HER house, hits him, I can't keep him safe, he is getting fucked up emotionally by the shit DD is telling him, I want my fucking life back. DS2 is in his own world, is nearly 8yo, still can't fucking write properly.I'm ready to just phone SS and walk away.

Understand what you're saying about DS1's dad's house - but is affecting DS1's education really badly, so can't just et it go. DS1 is fallling asleep in school when he has been at his dads, only solution his dad comes up with - more time here.

does ds2 get dla? for the eds and asthma?

demand another care assessment for yourself. get it all put in writing.

if you give up, no-one is going to offer you support. it's tough.

why did they take your children away before?

It's not crap from Ex-P - He is EA - would use any extra help he has to give me as a way of controlling me to get back with him (when he left) or he will go for custody. Which I know he won't get but got no energy to go to court again. His mum hates me, and tells my DS2 that it's my fault he can't see daddy because I wonm't let daddy be in charge of me and I won't do what daddy wants so daddy can't live with him. Ex-MIL tells DS2 that if I would agree to do everything Daddy and her want, then he would be able to see Daddy everyu day. Fucking HATE thjat family wish I had never met them.

Because I reached this point once before, went to SS and said I need help or you're going to have to take them - they refused any help, took the dc. Had to go to court to get them back. SS REALLY don't want to help me!!

No-one offers support whether I'm fighting or not, and I think after 13 years I've just totally run out of energy.

OP, do we 'know' you? Have you namechanged? I think I recognise you...

ok. well, you're going to have to get yourself back to the gp and get an urgent counselling referral. without knowing where you are, it's impossible to offer concrete proposals for help. gp should discuss pnd, anti-d's and can chase the homestart referral for you.

a counsellor might be able to sit down with you and help you come up with an action plan.

but tonight you need to concentrate on feeding the kids and getting them into bed. asap.

Nope - he got turned down because his school refused to write a report about how he was wheezing in class, about how his thumb dislocates when he tries to write, OT discharge at 5yo here (overstretched, underfunded) To the care of the school, school taken DS2 off SA+ AND SA because he is at the right level 'academically' - They say his reading and maths are lvl 2c - all well and good at the end of Y2 (just started Y3) but how the fuck can they tell when they can only give him a 'tentative' 1c for his writing?? He can't even form a letter 'q'.

Write to your MP? dont know what else to say apart from this and say that the SS would rather take your kids away than get each and everyone of them a proper multi-disiplinary assessment and dx.

Lougle - yep, was LL always been quite sorted but am at end of a very long rope now.

Will go and put some pasta on. will be back soon. DD upstairs I think. TBH It sounds awful but not even really bothered right now. Feel horrid to say that or even think like that.

local paper? you'd have to be extremely certain that it wouldn't backfire and have your evidence to hand though. and be ballsy enough to stick it out.

I thought so. So sorry you are feeling so low. I think you need to start by looking at options for your baby. Can you get a baby pen, so that the baby is safe from impulsive outbursts?

Just too scared of losing the dc to make a huge fuss now. They have me where they want me - too scared of losing dc to actually fight for the help I need. I Am broken.

DD's reason for screaming / punching walls / hitting / swearing / saying horrid stuff to DS1? Because everyone annoys me - what, by eating with his mouth open when he's an asthmatic with a cold? By getting to the bathroom mirror first? By me not letting you off your grounding so you can go on a jolly with your friends because all you had to do was get ready without a fight this morning and you didn't?

DD keeps telling me that she will stop doing all this stuff when everyone else stops annoying her. Which in her world means everyone does what SHE wants - even to the point of school not starting until SHE wants it to start. Some days I have to get her dressed and push her out of the door( can't TAKE her as her school is in the opposite direction to the one I have to get the boys too). And she fucks around so muchj that the boys are late. The boys then get detention. And the boys school won't make ANY allowance for me having to deal with DD. Not fair on DS1 & DS2.

No room in my tiny house for a playpen - LITERALLY. Am 15th out of 200+ on council list for a 4 bed - but no 4 beds to bid on. I can touch each side of my front room by stretching out my arms. Playpen would equal having to climb over sofa to get from one end of room to other.

ds1 is a bit spectrummy, and the school are keen to try a 'natural consequences' period. ie if he can't get himself ready and get to school, he will deal with the consequences. if he forgets to pick up his lunchbox, he goes hungry. if he misses the bus, he has to walk. etc etc. it can only be done with the advance support of the school, but would reinforce to ds (in my case) and dd in yours, that she does have responsibilities of her own. maybe concentrate on the boys totally and make it clear to her that it is her responsibility to gt herself ready and to to school on time, rather than yours?

i know some quite complex children on the spectrum (some of whom are 13 which is tricky anyway) which have managed to resoind to this approach. with or without the use of visual timetables etc as appropriate. she needs to realise there are consequences to her actions.

what are the consequences for her behaviour at the moment? do you stop her going out with ther freinds if she has been violent and abusive?

mornings make me a basket case, honestly.

maybe post on the teesn board rather than sn for advice for dd? she falls between the two camps, really.

Yes to grounding if violent. Consequence for swearing in house - lose mobile. If bad behaviour continues, she looses screen time - i.e. DS, PS2, Facebook, TV. Same rules for all dc. Morning - have a printed out visual timetable of what DD has to do - she 'doesn't care'. I put her to bed early - she still isn't up, have to wake her at 7am. She WON'T go to bed before younger DS's. DS2 goes 8.30pm, wakes at 6.30. DS1 goes 9pm( doesn't sleep till 11pm tho), wakes at y6.30. DD goes at 9.15pm - has to be woken at 7am. Her mates go to bed at 10pm. This week have been putiing her to bed at 8.45pm (!). Still not up at 7, and have had to PUSH her into her room as DS1 not yet in bed (Not fair, he's younger, won't go to bed blah blah blah). DS1 doesn't NEED as much sleep.

Starting to think it'ds be easier if I went to bed and didn't wake up in the morning. Can't manage everyone's individual needs. Am useless. Should be able to cope with it. Can't anymore.

School not interested - if she forgets lunch or cookery ingredients - they phone me to bring them in. If she is late 3 times, she gets in isolation. Late agin, suspended. Late after that - I get fined by LEA. Can't afford fine. She can't be late.

Hunty, have you tried Barnardos? I found them very helpful locally and they sorted out a number of problems we had via our local service. They spoke to a preventative officer at our social services and PROMISED me they would not let anyone unhelpful or frightening come back. I think they are good in emergencies.

For the longer term, I have recently got DLA for my DS. We do not have a diagnosis. I spent three weeks or so gathering evidence from everyone I met, anywhere, ever to help get evidence of DSs disability. It has shut a lot of people up who previously said there was nothing wrong with DS, although they now roll their eyes and look sceptical when I say he has high rate care as though I am some kind of benefit cheat.

Get anti-depressants. I started them last week and feel better already. That also shut people up if you start to feel better as I was getting a lot of sceptical looks due to me not coping.

Wish we could all come and actually help you in RL.

Also - CAN'T let her get on - she starts picking fights woith other dc, blocking THEM from getting ready if attention not on her.

Yesterday, she even HELD DS1 in a bear hug because I was ignoring her and helping DS's get ready. So he was then late and got detention when it wasn't his fault.

www.barnardos.org.uk/what_we_do/our_projects/disability.htm

Can't take anti-D's in combination with my epilepsy meds (contra-indicated). Had this problem before. Just have to cope. But can't.

Both my sons have dx without the ados testing, I claim DLA for youngest (oldest hfa and quite mild) the paeds dx has never been questioned and the only need for ados would be to find where on the spectrum ( which I already know as they are either end). Do you still have the paperwork? With the hfa son and puberty at the same time is scary at times as I do not know which causes my sons behaviour and when to make allowances and when to be strict. Take a day at a time.

Can you get a different epilepsy med? Some of them are mood stabilisers arent they. I was prescribed Topiramate as a mood stabiliser but I know this aint great with breastfeeding.