Its what we expected, its what we wanted to hear, so why am I so sad?

[ANiceCupofTeaandASitDown]

DD is 3.7 and completely non verbal with potential ASD, she started MS school last week and has been going in quite happily. Spoken with the staff and in spite of our initial worries about not being toilet trained etc seems to be going OK. They are very accomodating to her 'different' needs, ie not wanting to go to the hall for assembly, not sitting down for circle time and dont seem to be at all put out - they are very good. Today she saw the EP who spent the morning with her then me and DH went in at 11.30 for a review and meeting. Basic outcome is that they have recommended that she goes to an Observation and Assesment Unit in a different school. That way they can get to the bottom of her lack of speech and other issues that may or may not be connected to the speech problems or something else (ASD). Its pretty much what we wanted as it will be best for DDs development in the long term and the intention is for her to return to MS at some point. But........ I just got my head around her going to MS school and now she is off somewhere else. Its totally selfish of me I know and its all going to help DD but somewhere inside I feel a real sadness that this is the start of a different path and I dont know where its going. Please Mumsnetters, help me sort myself out :(

Sympathise with you. Hard to deal with things well when they keep changing and you don't know where you are going. Don't beat yourself up, might just take a little while for you to readjust. It's a land of confusion :(.

It's so hard when you see all the other children and get the message that your child's path will be more difficult than most but; you have a supportive school, they are getting in to help and asses her early and look like being the sort of school who will take advice on board and help. DS1 wasn't assessed until he was 8/9 and failing really badly at school but with the help he had he is now flying. (MS secondary now)

I remember feeling so sad though, it's a little bereavement in a way, there will be a different path than you were hoping when you thought of having a child and it needs a small time of adjustment. Look at your beautiful daughter and realise that whatever 'labels' she comes back with she will be no different to the child you loved yesterday, she is the beautiful person she is. I hope that makes sense, it took me a while to cope with DS1's diagnosis and I was very sad but now I see that it was the start of a brilliant new begining for him that has made his world a much easier place to live in.

Sometimes you have to mourn the loss of the 'normal' path and that's OK. In your dreams for your DD you never saw this, you saw her skipping off down the road to 'normal' school with her 'normal' friends. It is OK to be sad about that.

BUT this is a positive move, it will help DD and it will help you. It's just a new normal.

But be kind to yourself and give yourself time to process. The first time anyone 'outside' said to me 'yes, you are right, there is something wrong' I swear I actually felt my heart break open in my chest. But if they hadn't said that we would never have got DX, would never have got help...

The stage you are going through is the shitiest. It does get better I promise.

Just to agree with the others-You are doing the right thing for your DD

I always assumed that DS would go to mainstream school (with support) and it was hard to accept the fact that it would not be the right path for him.He goes to SS,is doing well and likes school.

The unit will give everyone the opportunity to get to know your DD's needs

As Star says- it DOES get better

That must feel a real shock, suddenly starting on a different path, when it looked as though your DD's school were accommodating her. I know I would feel very sad, startled and unsettled/disorientated if that happened to me (my DD is still nursery stage). I'm sorry I can't offer guidance, but I am thinking of you.

Just here to reiterate what starlight said - it does get better. Try and find someone in rl to talk to. Your council website should have a sn section where you can hopefully find some support.

I do remember people telling me the same and wondering

'how can it possibly get better?' and even worse 'I don't WANT it to get better. This is horrific. I don't want to accept it or come to terms with it. I don't want this, and telling me that somehow ds will still have SN but that it will be a bit more alright is NOT the direction I want to be going down. You all sound really lovely, and I wish you all the best with your children, but I am not one of you, I do not want your lives. I want someone/something to come and sort it all out NOW!'

Last yr i was in the same position with my son,who has language impairment so speech is very limited, the mainstream nursery he went to suggested a development centre and it was the best outcome for him in the end as while there he was seen to have delays in his development so he got extra help that he wouldnt get in ms and he loves it there. He has just started reception class where he goes to ms 3 days and 2 in the develop centre to see how he can progress from there. So just want to say I know it might seem bad now but it really does give them the best start as at this age there still young.

Thanks all for your lovely comments. I know its best for DD and she is such a happy child, cant see she will mind where she is!! I already feel better and a bit more positive. :)