How honest are you with your children about their SN?

[TalesOfTheUnexpected]

(ok, I admit, it's a bit of a thread about a thread)

I have 2 SN children and one NT. My boys have GDD, poss autism, and some other issues... but the main theing that one of them is now realising his eyesight is bad. He has ocular albinism and nystagmus (as does his brother). Basically, his eyes wobble as he doesn't have enough pigment in his eyes to see, and it can't be corrected by glasses or contact lenses.

Both my boys have this condition but one is more aware of it than the other. He recently said "when I'm bigger, my eyes will be better" and I had to explain as gently as possible that this won't be the case.

Now I don't know if I've done the right thing. We went to the hairdresser last week and she asked him to look straight ahead in the mirror and he said "I can't see, I've got wobbly eyes" and he cried.

I suppose this is a bit of a self-indulgent moan really. I just want to strike the right balance between letting my sons know they have differences to others without really putting them down iyswim?

I too have told all my kids about their AS and other differences. I have had to explain to DS1 (when she was much younger) that yes, she will always need a wheelchair. It was horrid, but so much better to be honest.
We discuss the issues quite regularly, they are 16 and 15 now.

We have also taught them that having AS is, in the main a positive thing.

My youngest is happily oblivious, for now, since he's prett ymuch at the level of a large toddler, but we are open and honest with DS1. Ironically, though, he doesn't see that there's anything "wrong" with him (well, there isn't, really, is there, but I think he sees everyone else as the different ones!) He is acutely aware of his brother's differences, though, and rather unfortunately critical and unsympathetic, especially regarding his language deficits.

I can't really comment for ds yet, as he is a) oblivious and b) is only just getting enough spoken language to think the conversation might take place some point in the future.

We have always been open about some people talk with their hands some people talk with their mouths, some people do both.

I think (Ninja?) made a really important point about role models, I know of lots of Deaf people who have said they thought they would grow up to be hearing, as they never met any Deaf adults.....

I like the fact that when we go to the disabled swimming session ds gets to see lots of teenagers and adults who display 'spectrumy' behaviour IYSWIM.

I haven't said anything to my son about his possible asperger's I'm waiting on a diagnoses before I tell him, he is aware that he's got problems (or ploblems as he calls it) and he's also aware that he thinks differently to others aswell.

Downdonna can you explain further why you say having AS is a positive thing? Interested.

Cory, thankyou. I think I can relate to what you are saying. One of my sons believes he's Superman and can save the world! The other of my sons just has no clue, lives in cloud-cuckoo land and can't do much for himself at all. So he's not at the questioning stage. It's this questioning stage that I'm finding hard with the older boy (2 mins older).

signandsmile I'm sorry, I didn't really understand your 'spectrumy' behaviour comment. Did you mean you find it good that your children/child gets to see people with other SN?

I know I started this thread, but I like it .

sorry probably wasn't clear, yes we happen to have lots of friends with sensory impairments and physical disabilities (and dh is physically disabled himself) but all the people we know with ASD (like DS) are kids broadly a similar age, so seeing older people who react/see the world like he does I think is really positive for him.

have re-read my first post and feeling a bit . I feel like I am always wittering on about ds and his ASD and LD (and his use of signing) so that everyone would know/remember what issues he had and what I was referring to. Now feeling rather silly...

TalesOfTheUnexpected

As a child of 5 years old i had already discovered that i was different from the other children, but it was not until I was 49 that i found out the real reasons why I was different, nor exactly how different i am, such is my diagnosis of APD. We have always tried to explain to our children that they can not be blamed for the problems they have been experiencing, which trying to help each of them develop their own various ways of coping. They needed to understand the limitations imposed on them by their disability so that thye are better able to understand the alternative skills and abilities they develop to cope with their issues.

And you might also find this Discussion Meeting Issue ?Autism and talent? organized by Francesca Happé and Uta Frith research journals table of contents of interest as it lists some research papers about the talents that some ASDs may have.

yy role models v good. dd2 is involved with an adaptive ski programme, and they are at the point where some of the students are now training to be instructors. but also yy to not pigeonholing. such a difficult line!

Tales of the Unexpected
We tell them it's positive because of their increased abilities to study for long periods, apart from enabling them intellectually, we let them know this ability will help them to learn coping strategies. Some of it has worked, DS2 won the house cup for teamwork last year! That was a real 'Wow' moment!
In many ways, I'm aware of the fact that we are lucky with the dcs, they all had an early dx, which enabled us to get coping strategies in place early. They all accept that they are AS and feel that that's part of what makes them who they are. DH had a late diagnosis (33) and it's made life incredibly difficult for him, so we were determined to be positive and encouraged the dcs to be positive. It seems to have helped others in some cases too. DD1 had to say something about herself at school and stood up and said: 'I'm Aspie and proud of it, my brain is wired differently and it's sometimes an advantage'. The parent of another child went home and said to her Mum, okay, I've got it, I know you've been telling me for years.

I know it isn't always positive, we've had loads of difficulties over the years, bad schools, horrid, horrid judgemental people in shops etc. Strange misunderstandings, etc. but we try. Oh, and we don't always get it right.

signandsmile no need for the . I just find looking up past posts and history on Mumsnet a bit laborious. I'm also new to the site so that's why I asked.

dolfrog thanks for the link.

dawndonna again, thanks. I understand what you are saying and it gives me a bit of an insight into the possible future.

My ds (7) knows that he is being assessed for asd/as/hfa and ocd amongst other things. This is mainly because he absorbs everything like a sponge and hears us talking to various professionals at appointments. He asks constant questions about it all though, but seems to accept that that is who he is. His sister on the other hand is rather embarrassed by his behaviours.