does your autistic child refer to you to check behaviour?

[sphil]

I've recently realised that Ds2 (8, severe autism) always looks at me to check my reaction when he is doing something I've told him not to do. So, for example, if I tell him not go on the trampoline, he'll walk towards it but keeps turning back and grinning at me. He also does it when he THINKS I'm going to tell him not to do something. For example, we were at the beach earlier this week and he started to walk towards the sea. Normally I wouldnt let him go on his own, but I was sitting very near the sea's edge. He kept turning and looking until I said several times ' It's OK DS, you can go'. Once he was sitting in the sea, he kept turning round, looking at me and laughing as the waves broke around him.

I thought that this kind of referencing of other people was unusual in severely autistic children? Or am I wrong?

yes he often does as if for approval, he also loves to stare when speaking at his own reflection is this common too?

we think (going through dx process) ds has asd. if an injury is visible he is really anxious to get it fixed, but if he falls and knocks himself realy hard, he just gets up and refuses any fuss.

he also checks with me if he suspects he is doing something 'naughty'

Oooh Vinnie DS does this ALL the time (well, all the time since we moved into a flat with mirrored wardrobes) and it drives me insane sometimes because it's so - teenage? You know what I mean? 'OOOh is this what I look like when I'm cross, is this what I look like when I'm happy?' BUT we also have had some good conversations 'in the mirror' - IIRC from Hanen, sometimes direct glance can be too challenging so I guess this is just another way of softening it. But it still drives me NUTS!

my ds is 5 and has severe autism, however he also does this checking with me. he cant speak but he can convey a lot with a look!

not just me, but also nursery staff and his specialist autism worker (who in fact caught him on camera when she was videoing a session once. it was pretty funny)

he also has an extremely high pain threshold, but occasionally, if he's hurt himself he will come for a cuddle!!! it doesnt last long as he recovers quite quickly, but he does seek comfort. he is a very affectionate boy mind you. it is one of his strengths. he would often come home from nursery humming of perfume after cuddling in with the staff!

Ds checks in with me. I found having done makatin really helpful with this because if he is far away and another boy does something wrong and ds checks in with me I can sign to him to reassure

If ds is really hurt or upset though he won't go to anyone.

He is the most vulnerable and confused at that time and involving another person puts stress on him to perform the very thing he is least good at, social interaction/communication. The last thing he needs is someone insisting he explain what happened or talk about his feelings.

I've learned to take ds to a quiet space away from people and just sit near him and I tell him 'mummy not ask question. Ds talk or not talk is okay'.

I find it very hard sometimes when I want to comfort DD by putting my arms around which she finds hard to tolerate. It is such a natural response, to want to hug your child, but I have learnt to sit close to her instead. She will sometimes let me stroke her head though. She doesn't do the referencing thing at all; she never looks towards me and I have to be very careful that I don't lose her when we are out, as she doesn't pay much attention to me at all.

I'm going to try that Starlight. I've learnt that the good parenting thing of reflecting back emotions just doesnt work with DS2. If, for example, I say ' I can see you're angry' he just yells ' angry! ANGRY! ANNNNGGGRRRY!' at me in an increasing crescendo. But I cant seem to stop myself asking 'what's the matter?' when he's upset, even though the same thing happens
( ' whassamatter, WHASSAMATTER! WHASSAMATTER!!!) .

timetravellers when we were really struggling with DS (aged around 3, no clue what was wrong, just an overwhelmingly difficult child and a really stressed parent) the only thing that would calm him was just stroking round his palm. Round and round, over and over. Through Hanen I also learned to do very hard, intense holding which also helped us overcome dressing problems. Keep experimenting

ive learned just being there when hes hurts best as hes too angry to want hugs , cuddles and hugs are on his terms so once hes feeling a bit better he will now come and hug when hes ready .
I also think he looks in the mirror or glass to see his reflection because he knows he doesnt know (iykwim) all the different expressions, he knows angry and sad and shock he got those right when he was tested but he thought all the other expressions were anger (surprise, confused,fear, disgust) maybe hes trying to learn what they look like, SS are working on this with him too.

Thanks Wilson I will keep trying to find something that works as a comfort. I can also rub her hand with my thumb, can't explain it properly, it is a very precise movement and pressure.