When to tell ds he is autistic.

[VJay]

We've always said that we would tell ds (8yrs) when we felt the time was right, and I've a feeling that time is here.
He has been playing in the garden with his friends but when they go off to others houses or off on their bikes I don't let him go, due to lack of road sense and stranger danger. We are teaching him this all the time, but as I'm sure you know, it takes a while for it to permanently stick.
Also his 'play' is about 2 years behind that of his peers, he is quite immature. At the moment his friends don't notice (I don't think anyway), but some will and I worry about bullies.
I know I have to let him experience life more but not until it's safer for him to do so, ie; his understanding of social rules etc.
So I think I need to tell him about his autism, and that he is different and that is why I can't let him go out and play on his own away from the house. Just want to hear of other experiences really.
Thanks

Ps I bet I must seem so precious to the other mums!

I told my son last year when he was 8, he was struggeling with his home work and his little brother was whizzing through his. He said 'why does he find everything so easy and i don't'.
So i tried to explain in simple terms and with out making a big deal of things that he has some learning difficulties and other difficulties that sometimes makes things a little harder to understand and that his problems are sometimes due to him having autism and being autistic.
He didn't question me further.
When i picked him up from school the next day his TA took me aside and said when he got stuck with his writting he'd declared very loudly that 'being artistic sometimes means he doesn't feel like writting'
I then had to explain to her about the conversation we'd had which she then found very funny.
He now also knows being autistic is not an excuse as neither is being artistic !

My son is 5 and I have started to tell him.

We mention that he has a special brain and has autism and we have bought a couple of books (How Joshua Learned and Ians Walk). We don't talk about it all the time but are doing more of a drip feed thing.

We decided now was the right time as some of his friends were noticing and it didn't seem right that someone might tell them why he is different and him not know.

DS2 is 7 and he knows he has Aspergers, although he doesn't 100% know what that really means. He had been saying for ages that his brain "worked differently" and obviously he wanted to know why he had to keep going to the hospital when he wasn't ill! Plus, his brother is 9 and we wanted to be able to explain to him why DS2 behaved in certain ways etc so we told them both around the same time. We tried to keep it very informal and on a kind of "need to know" basis so as not to overwhelm either of the DCs, if they ask questions I try to explain as simply as I can. The NAS website has loads of good books and there are also a lot of free leaflets you can get, designed for explaining the diagnosis to children/siblings/grandparents/teachers etc.
Hope it goes well, and by the way you don't seem precious at all

TheMagnificentBathykolpian, its easy for me to say, as ds is only 7 and cannot go out without me yet.

Does your ds go secondary school, how does he get there?

from day 1 for both ds2 and ds3. Someone earlier in the thread said that their dc wouldn't understand what they were being told but you don't go into the full mechanics when doing the birds and bees talk do you? Just bring the subject up when a question gets asked or a particular difficulty arises and answer it in terms that they will understand. I have always gone along the lines of "the name for the trickiness you have is autism, just like blindness is the name for someone who finds seeing tricky, deafness for someone who finds hearing tricky etc etc Everyone has something that they find tricky - even the Queen and your Headmaster!

Yes. He's in mainstream (with full time 1:1 TA support). I take him and fetch him back.

There is a school bus, but I am too scared to allow him to use it what if he got off? what if the other children bullied him?

He wants to use it, but I am too frightened.

You know, I think what it is, as well as physical danger? Possibly more than physical danger actually? it is other people. I am scared how other people will treat him. While he's with me, I can protect him from their cruelty. If he's out there on his own, they can say what they like, do what they like, and I can't protect him. They could hurt him and I wouldn't be able to stop it.

And people can be so cruel.

eatyourveg - it was me who said my eldest knows but my youngest doesn't because he wouldn't have a clue. He really wouldn't. He is 10. He doesn't even understand time, something that is considered very basic. Only a few years ago, his reports were saying that he doesn't know his name and doesn't understand the concept of names (He does now) He barely talks. Oh, he vocalises a LOT he is never silent (or still) but when it comes to meaningful communication, he does practically nothing two way and nothing for the benefit of the other person. Only what he wants, when he wants, for his benefit. He makes statements but there's no sustained conversation. Oh, he can talk. He's just not normally interested in talking to you.

He is an excellent reader - as in word recogniser, but all reports say that he has little understanding of what it is that he is reading. He really really really would not understand what autism is. And he never goes down any sort of 'why is this hard' route to create an opportunity to talk about it. He just is. There is no worry, no past, no future, he is just here and now. There's no looking around and comparing himself. No questioning himself. No what I am where am I why am I here type ponderings. There is no wondering why things are hard. There's nothing that IS hard because he doesn't bother.

I wish I could explain it better. He's a lovely, sweet and amazing boy. he's a whizz with numbers. Really good. Language - severely delayed and disordered. Interest in other people - none existant. Self awareness - not a bean. While I was saying 'the reason you just yelled out HELP ME I'M NAKED 20 times, son, is because you have autism' he'd be spinning like a top and beeping.

Happily. totally happily and without any understanding that other people don't.

My DS will catch the bus to school, but with his older brother. The bus home may be a different story. All the kids cram on at once and are a bit hyper at the end of the day. That's when any bullying would be more likely to happen. On the route in, in the morning it's much more sedate and DS2 could sit next to or near DS1 and his friends. I can see myself picking him up from school, but makes it tricky as DS3 is still in primary school.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian, i can sympathise, other people can be very cruel indeed and im dreading ds growing up and going 'big boy' school and all that it involves.

I think it depends on the level of understanding our ds's have. Perhaps very small steps for you and your ds, maybe he could take the bus, one day a week for starters?

As morbid as it may sound, the way i look at it, is im not going to be around forever and the more independent that ds can be, the more 'life' skills he can grasp the better (although when the time comes for him to go secondary school, i might well change me mind! :) )

TheMagnificentBathykolpian if telling your younger ds would serve no purpose in terms of helping him then, do you think its worth it? Explain to his sibling in terms he would understand as a way to help him understand his brother.

Yes, my eldest does know that both he and his brother have autism. He is not terribly supportive or understanding or forgiving of his brother, mind

We're not hiding it from our youngest. I am sure he hears it mentioned. His brother certainly talks about it! Especially when it comes to making excuses "I can't do it, I'm autistic" (never works btw!) it's that it means nothing to him, even when he hears the word or hears anyone talking about it. I don't mean to imply that we avoid mentioning anything around him. Just that we have never sat down with him and tried to explain anything, because he simply wouldn't understand.

He probably wouldn't sit down long enough for me to finish a sentence, either

Anyway, I am in danger of totally taking over poor Vjay's thread

Vjay - every child is different and I promise you that you will know when the time is right to tell him. It will feel right, natural and the best thing to do.

Magnificent you are in no way taking over, it's been good to read all of this