concerned about friend's ds

[monkey]

Sorry - very long. I posted a while ago about a v.g. friend of mine, who I really like, but I have real trouble warming to her ds (to put it mildly). A couple of people suggested there may be a problem eg hearing, to account for his bahaiour. Since then I have been bearing this in mind, and wonder if there's something in it. I did suggest when she took him for his 2 year check, that she had his ears tested, but that didn't happen. I'm wondering what you mums, more experienced than me, might suggest (in terms of ideas - is he just highly strung / a slower developer or does it sound like a medical problem?) and if it sounds to you like a prob, what, if anything, should I do regarding prompting my frind to get help for him

She is having a really hard time with him & he is so 'high maintenance'. His behaviour drives me mad, but now I'm starting to wonder if there is something wrong. My ds is 3 months older than hers, so they're similar age He is 2 1/2.

Things that strike me are -

• His speech has come on in the last few months, but he still doesn't have many words, he's extremely difficult to understand, and he babbles a lot. He doesn't use sentences, just occasional words and lots of babbling.
• He gets extremely frustrated very easily and SCREAMS and screams at anything that upsets him eg a car is on the table & he can't easily reach it.
• He doesn't seem to have any problem-solving skills, eg climbing on a chair to reach the car.
• He seems to hear ok, but then a couple of times I've said something to him, eg would you like to draw a picture too? and I've repeated it a couple of times & he's completely ignored me, so I don't know if he can't hear me, or if he just doesn't understand.
• He does not seem to understand basic commands & never follows them - eg if he chucks a cup on the floor - can you pick the cup up? He just doesn't do it, but doesn't strike me as disobedience. he just ignores the request, laughs a bit vacantly & runs off.
• He loves to be with my 2 but never joins in with them, only watches & laughs.
• He gets really freaked out & screams & screams if they come up close to him eg if they're tickling or jumping on the settee.
• He hates being constricted & again screams & gets hysterical if his mum tries to put on eg a fleece/jumper/jacket/sleeping bag or blankets in bed. It gets very cold in winter here & he won't wear warm clothes.
• He is really labour intensive for his mum - he won't leave her side, has a screaming fit if she doesn't come when he wants, will not go to other adults - not even to the park with his aunty.

I know all kids develop differently, and I have only limited experience of other kids, but he just seems poles apart from mine & the few other kids I know. His mum does recognise that his speech is a lot behind other kids his age.
what do you think?

I think jimjams or Davros might be the most helpful here, monkey. Agree his behaviour isn't what you'd expect at his age. Does it appear that his mother also thinks there's something wrong?

will write more later- have to revise for a Japanese test now. Usual question - does he point? Eg to get car on the table, or to show something interesting, like dog out the wiondow, or teletubbies on tv.....

monkey dont think I am being funny but I have a friend whos ds is very similar except he bites till he bleeds and lots of other horrendous stuff. I have also tried talking to my friend about it but she doesnt think theres a problem. If they cant see it themselves there isnt much else you can do Im afraid

Good luck for the japanese test jimjams - sakula no hana - that's the only thing i can remember!
In answer to your question, I'd say I'm not sure if he points or not, becasue 99% if not 100% of the time, if faced with a challenge/obstacle/car on the table situation his port of call is to scream in frustration . He is very big for his age - taller & miles heavier than my 4 yr old, and could easily reach difficult things, but he never tries & he never tries to ask, just screams.

janh, his mum, before his 2 yr check did mention at one point that she had wild concerns that he had mild autism. She dismessed the notion as being silly, I don't know really anything about the condition, but I have to say, I felt at the time that something just doesn't seem right, but the 2 yr check just consisted of doc attempting to weigh & measure him (he would NOT have it - went wild) and asking her how his speech was - she said it was OK!!!! Even though now she acknowledges it's (much) behind all his peers that she knows

fio, I know. It's really hard. I don't want to critisise her or her ds. I really want to help, I don't want to broach the topic (again) if the concensus here is he's just tempremental & over-babied, but if people agree that there may be a problem, & even give some suggestions, then i might try again. I can't be really objective, because I have no real experience of lots of other kids, bahavioural problems/ other 'special needs'.

I would be worried if he were my child. I'll wirte more tomorrow though. Sorry been taken up with my own probs today and now its time for Japanese. Also difficult to know what to suggest as the support services aren't necessarily there. I have a friend in a similar situation and I'm kind of at a loss as to what to suggest (and she's very switched on about her ds's problems).

Maryz, that would be a great idea, prob is we're not in Uk, so if she choses to follow local system, he won't nec be in anything formal for another 2/3 years or so (forgotten where the cut-off date is).

I admit to finding his bad behaviour pretty hard to bear. When she says he won't have his hair cut/wear a coat/put on a sleeping bag I find it really hard to relate too, as I guess I'm pretty firm with mine - ie no coat, no go out, end of story. We try & have a conversation & it's impossible to complete a sentence without him having a full on rigid-body tantrum/screaming fit about something (usually so minor). and her constant complaining about his screaming/early waking etc, but now I really am starting to feel there is a problem & feel a bit guilty about being so impatient & actually would really like to help, plus I'm a real - if there's a problem, fix it, type of person.

I think the situation re getting help would be different over here, as the health care if really good. But of course, no one wants to hear their kid may have a problem & I certainly wouldn't want to broach it for no reason. My frind is having a hard enough time with her ds as it is. She must be worn out - her list of entertainment activities for the average day is longer than mine for the week.

Very hard to say at this age as so many children do have toddler tantrums. My ds is mildly autistic but he NEVER had any tantrums till he was past 3 and was a very 'good' 2 year old. I think this is why it is difficult to diagnose autism in a child much younger than 3. how long has this been giong on - has he become worse recently, any other things going on which could account for his difficult behaviour?

It sounds like he has sensory integration problems. We've managed to really help ds1's using a sensory integration program. This is the sort of thing that OT's can help with. He can now tolerate haircuts even (if they are hypersensitive then it doesn't matter how matter of fact/strict you are- if they can't cope with it they can't cope with it).

The book the out of sync child is a good introduction.

Thanks a lot. I'll try & dig out the book, just to see if it rings true. He's not any worse now than he's always been. TBH I've always put his behaviour down to him being over-babied and indulged etc I've known him a year. But now his behaviour, not just seems bad, but seems unusual in a child his age, from my albeit limited experience, and that coupled with the slow speech development , plus his poor old mum's on-gong, never ending woes with him, has really made me wonder. She is with him all day, every day & he needs attention every minute of it. Dunno how she copes/puts up with it..
anyway, thanks for your time. how did your exam go, Jimjams, have you done it yet?