Feeling so sad about M/S school visit, re dd with possible ASD

[pigletmania]

Just a quick overview, dd aged 4, has possible ASD, speech and lang delay, and some developmental delay (I feel she has though it has not been suggested by the professionals involved with her). We are awaiting a formal dx from paed. Her main difficulties are social communication. She is to go to Mainstream school in September with lots of 121 help put in from the school while statement is being processed.

I went with dd to visit her new classroom (she goes to the school nursery so is familiar with the building). DD woke up today at 5 am so by 1pm of the visit she was very tired. Total meltdown in front of all the kids and parents there, was totally . Other n/t children sitting nicely on the carpet listening to the teacher talk, dd wailing and wanting to do anything else but sit down. I feel all eyes on me andd what a crap parent I am. We went round the activiities that were laid out, and all dd wanted to do was play with the water per usual, and had a meltdown again when I tried to direct her towards other activities. There several times where waiting was required, cue another meltdown from dd. I felt so sad, and I am ashamed to say felt embarrassed about dd

I had to take her home early as it was so bad, and gave her a telling off and sent to room for her behaviour. I just ended up crying and crying wishing she was NT, and why she is the way she is. Sorry for the long post, needed to offload. Incidently the school are being ever so supportive and are providing her with the maximum support that they can to help her once they start school, but obviously she will need more hence the statement application from school. Just so and dishartened, dd behaviour has started to get so much better,

i know how awful that feels I was ashamed and now im ashamed of myself because ds was ASD and couldnt cope with the stress and anxiety of ms school from early on all he wanted to do was play with the sand and water and with cars not sit and listen to a story or instruction it was a problem with him from day 1 at nursery try not to get too upset its good to hear the nursery are being very supportive and so pleased your on the road to a statement thats very positive they all have good and bad days btw it was probably the disruption to the norm and amount of people today that made her meltdown

Thanks driveme it probably was a culmination of things, waking up so early and being in a different area then she is used to. I do want her to be within a m/s school, and the Ed Psych feels that its for the best at the moment and see how she goes as she will have good social communication and behaviour models to copy. DD does copy how other n/t kids speak, and tries to use them in her conversations which is good. I just felt so down afterwards, but its not because of the schools reaction more my embarrassement and other parents and kids staring at dd.

it will be fine.
maybe it's better that they saw her struggling, so that they understand fully what she will need to be supported effectively?

difficult to look on the bright side, i know. but you are doing the right thing. no need to be ashamed or embarassed - she is going to need some help, but it will all work out okay - as she settles in and gets used to the new routine/ environment.

school is such a big step, esp for kids with sn (and for their mummies!)

have you another transition meeting coming up? it might be useful to discuss the visit with the school and discuss settling in more detail, maybe with the 1-1 if they know who will fulfil this role?

ignore the other parents - they were probably thinking 'what can i do to help? i don't want to intrude' and were equally worried. once the initial discomfort has worn off, i find it helpful to be really open with other parents. you have to brazen it out a bit and keep smiling, but otherwise they get more embarassed to talk to you/ ask questions, and it's more likely you'll get excluded a bit. you don't have to launch into a life history, but try and grit your teeth to make small talk . then the next time you or dd are feeling the pressure, you can look out for a sympathetic grin instead.

dd2 has always been mainstream. she staggers, slurs, and is capable of some pretty full on meltdowns too

it will be ok! honest! deep breath and a glass of wine?

Please dont feel bad, so many of us have been there. Could you ask the school if you could have more visits but shorter (say 30 minutes to start with) and at times where its less stressful (when the others are not visiting)?

Dd2 is starting a new school in september (year 1), we are having visits each week, this week was the first visit and we just let her explore the classroom and play with what she likes to get her used to the enviroment, next week she will be in her classroom and can join in or watch from a distance (depending how she feels). She will need more time than the nt children to get used to the school and the teachers so the more visits she can do the better. Always leave after doing something she really likes (like water) so she remembers it as being a good expereance.

Thanks everyone for the great advice, yes we are having a time to talk next week, whereby her teachers will come to visit her home, than dd will be in school on her own without me, but with the teachers, than i have another visit for her after that, so the school are doing things to help ease her in. I think it was my embarrasment more than anything, her ASD, social communication and emotional difficulties really showed up.

My worst one was at Tumble Tots. (What was I thinking, TT with DS2?) I hadn't had a DX then, but he was in full meltdown, I was so embarrased. I got out of there and went home early, or I would have. Someone had blocked me in so I had to go back in and ask who had a green Vectra, or something. Asked everyone, it wasn't anyone's. Finally someone in some flats nearby came along and drove off. DS screaming throughout. Oh well! No-one notices as much as you think they do.

Five years ago exactly the same thing happened to me on our first school visit. It was water day and DD wanted to stay and play. Cue MASSIVE tantrum which included her hitting another child & me carrying her out of the school where upon she flung herself to the pavement. I'm over it! For the most part she is getting on fine at school. Not always (capitulated at the end of assembly today) but most of the time. Thanks to her fantastic understanding teachers she enjoys school, has friends and when I am feeling impatient with her I just need to look at how far she has come.

Thanks everyone it helps that I am not alone. Just felt so and still do a bit. Its the realisation that your child is Autistic, its staring you in the face.

It is hard.

I think however, you need to make some allowances, if she has ASD and has meltdowns in such situations it is not 'naughty behaviour' that needs a telling off and sending to room, but kore understanding why she did it.

*more

Piglet

I feel for you and your DD. You have been already given some good counsel so I hope that helps too. You may also want to contact the National Autistic Society as well.

How far along is the statement application?. I ask this anyway as these can take around six months or so to set up.

hi me again, I think that she just was very tired (woke up at 5, and got to bed at 10, me putting her at 7.30 but she chattering away till 10), when she is tired the meltdowns start, and also unfamiliar new classroom. Attila we have got accepted to proceed for the 2nd stage whereby everyone involved with dd is going to be consulted by the LEA

Yes there has been some great advice on here, that is why i love MN so much . There is a local support group for children with ASD, so I was thinking of going to that. I do feel reall about the way i handled things not helping as I am 9 weeks pg with so much tiredness and morning sickness to boot. Just felt so and down about it all. I am glad that the school are being supportive its not everyday you find MS like that, I have read of some horror stories on here. Her new teachers seemed very positive which is great, its the stares from parents and other kids. Even the younger siblings there were behaving better than dd. I am rambling now. I am taking her to the school fete today so that she gets used to different situations, she wants to go and is very eager.

You sound like you are doing a great job in hard circumstances :)

I see from your profile your in MK. Im not sure if you drive, or even if its too far, but there is a spealist private ASD school in herts. They take children upto five years, and also run over school holidays, so might be something to access out of school terms. They are wonderful undrestanding people with great insight into children with ASD (dx or not)
I would certainly be using social stories and photos over the school holidays. I have two girls with ASD and even the 8 year old still needs a lot of prep work to access new situation.
I also belong to a support group especially for girls with ASD, we are herts based if you want to join.

Thanks Fanjo , lisa unfortunately I dont, never passed my driving tests , dh does but he works. lisa the support group sounds great but living in MK is a bit far for a non driver, i will have to start learning again once in the right situation at the moment we cant afford me to learn. There is a support group in MK which i will look into

im so so sorry for your experience, last year this time I realised DS would have been confused and anxious just as your DD hence I went for a mixed learning difficulties unit and never looked back.

Big hugs and I am sure your DD will overcome some of the challenges as soon as she settles in school. I am a point where I dont get emberessed any longer, could be that I have grown thicker skin, DS has got sooo much better but I never forget how blessed I am to have gone beyond the times when he would only hide in the bathrooms and play with water.

blueshark we went to her school fete today and all she wanted to do was plan in the hook a duck pool and got soaking wet . The stall owner did not mind at all which was good. I started dd on the DMA Behaviour Balance on Thursday, she has had it since, and today she was so much better. We went on the bus shopping, dd waited nicely for the bus, she wanted to go to the library which we did, had something to eat out (sat nicely for about 20 mins) and then we went shopping, waited nicely for the bus home. Then we went to the fete, and she saw the blasted hook a duck pool and wanted that. But this time it was so much easier to manage her behaviour she was not a difficult as she was. Must be making a difference even this early

Have you tried looking at family fund , they help with driving lesson costs

I am pleased you are seeing positive results this early, its different for everyone. And dont worry, they do overgrow water play, one advice I can give you if your DD isnt toilet trained use the water as a big reinforcer. DS was trained at 3 and was because we were bribing him with flashing toilet, washing hands many times throughout the day :)

no I haven't lisa do they? That is good. how do you get access to it? Blues dd is dry in the day, has been since she was 3.2 years which is good, not at night though, I am really trying to gear up for that as I don't think she is ready.

ooh my dd loves 'handwashing' often requests to wash hands when she does not need to

just goggle it :)