Really really struggling with behaviour management on 8yr old ASD DS, any help or advice greatly appreciated.

[overmydeadbody]

He seems to be going through a new phase, for the last 6 months or so things have deterioated, and I know a lot of it is to do with how much he is struggling at school, but he has now started shouting really loudly at me when he doesn't get his way, and also getting a lot more upset and angry all the time when his plans don't turn out as he expected.

I really don't know how to handle it, I want to have a zero tolerance on the shouting, but sometimes it is easiest just to ignore him and sometimes he is actually so rude that I want him to know his actions have consequences (something he seems to understand) so today when he shouted at me and DP three times because he didn't want what I was making for dinner (he wanted hot dogs, I don't have hot dogs) we sent him to his room to calm down, then 5 minutes later went in there and told him calmly that because he shouted he lost his computer tomorrow (and we took the lead). He was upset and crying saying we were being horrible, he then shouted again so he lost monday's computer privilages too, and then we left him.

He then calmed down and came and helped me cook dinner in the kitchen,, but my god it is so draining.

Sometimes he is so so so difficult. He is very intelligent and sometimes I tihnk that makes his life harder, and mine too.

Any suggestions, advice, similar stories? What can we do differently?

Thank you everyone, such great advice on here, and support too!

Today has been a great day so far, we implemented the token system first thing this morning, at first he got defensive and then when he realised we wouldn't be taking anything away from him or punishing him, and all the different things we would reward him for doing with tokens included many things he would be able to do easily and that he could always earn a minimum of 20 minutes on the computer he was very pleased. He has responded very well to all the praise today, and so have me and DP, thank you all for reminding me to praise the good more. DP Plikens him to a dog, needing constant instant rewards for any good behaviour, making him even more likely to want to please us more.

Attiila no, at the moment DS doesn't have a statement, but that is a whole other story and I am now pushing for a statement through the school, an Ed Psych appointment has been made by the school and we are waiting for that. The problem is last time someone came in to observe him he wasn't that bad (they only observed him for 20 minutes though, what a joke). Last year he had the most amazing teacher who was so good that DS was fine in class so the school's attitude was he's ok, he doesn't need a statement. I tihnk the school know how hard it will be to get him statemented. This year his teacher is useless though and he has spiralled out of control with her to the point that the headteacher comes and gets him after lunch and he spends the afternoons in her office with her as the teacher can't deal with him in the afternoons (as they are less structured than the mornings and he can't cope with that!).

The dinner lady in charge at lunchtimes treated him like he was being deliberately naughty, she had no idea and wouldn't seem to accept that he had SN, to the point where she was really picking on DS for things he would never achieve (making him stand still and silently for up to 15 minutes in a line for god's sake!) lots of people, myself included and several members of staff complained to the head about this woman's treatment towards some of the boys, that she was basically bullying them (), and now the head supervises this woman every lunchtime but I am not happy with this arrangement and take DS out of school for lunchtimes (we go to the park where he gets to play on his own) and the teacher has reported that DS is a lot calmer in the afternoons now that he doesn't have those horrendous lunchtimes at school.

The school are failing him at the moment, but that's another thread and I could rant for days about that. I know they are failing him as I work at the school as teh art teacher (working in all the classes, once a week in DS's class too) so I know I am not just a paranoid parent.

Yes I know that my DS definately feels a sense of injustice and frustration often at school, and will often tell me he was punished when he hadn't done anything wrong, and he genuinely believes this.

Maryz I completely agree, I sadly see it almost every day at school, children with difficulties get their break times and lunch times and golden times taken away from them, and as well as the punishment then not being straight away (even on another day!) it is also counter productive as these kids need their down time, need to run around and burn off energy, need to socialise, need to move freely for a bit after sititng in class, and this is what is taken away from them!

The final straw with RE the lunchtimes was when I witnessed my DS silently mouth a word to his partner when lining up to go back inside after lunch, and the dinner lady pulled him out of line, shouted at him for talking, and then told him he was missing ten minutes of playtime the following day!! (standard school policy is 2 minutes missed, not ten!) and he hadn't even talked and there is no school policy whereby children have to be silent when lining up, this dinner lady was just so controlling. I was fuming and went straight to the head. At first she said she couldn't undermine the dinner lady and DS would still have to miss ten minutes tomorrow, but I stood my ground and told her she had a duty to undermine the dinner lady and put the children's best interests first, and by not undermining the dinner lady she was basically condoning her bullying behaviour, and eventually the head teacher agreed with me (luckily the SENCO was also on my side and also spoke to the head and we there when I spoke to her) and my DS didn't have to miss any playtime the following day, and now I take him to the park for lunch because I don't trust that he will be looked after properly in this dinner lady's care. God it feels good just ot get all of that down.

Sorry Overmy... I have just read your thread and I realise the conversation has moved on but I just wanted to tell you how useful we have found a Red and Yellow card system we use for Dd3 when she is struggling with her behaviour. It works the same as the footballers, she gets a warning first with a very clear explanation about what is wrong ie "You are shouting at me." If she continues she is shown a yellow card and again gets a very clear explanation. If she continues again she is shown a red card and she has to leave whatever she is doing and sit at the table to calm down.

To be honest it is rare now for us to get to red she gets the message really clearly now that her behaviour is not acceptable.

I carry laminated cards around with me all the time so it can be used any where and doesn't need her to stop shouting for me to use it, iyswim.

Just to add, your Ds's treatment at school sounds horrendous, we have just moved Dd3 to a new school and so far it has been a really good decision.

Good luck.

Ineedalife that sounds like a really good system to use, I will keep it in mind.

Leningrad it is really worrying isn't it, I know I wouldn't get told much about DS if I didn't actually witness it myslef.

You should go in and speak to the SENCO, the head and the class teacher. I have learnt by experieince and observing other parents that the ones that are constantly asking to see the SENCO get results for their children far quicker than the parents that don't (provided the SENCO is good and sympathetic to yor child's needs of course).

My DS also hides under tables, in bins, and in any other small spaces he can find at school when he gets very stressed. He once spent 40 minutes in the corner of the classroom with a huge beanbag over him because he didn't understand the maths worksheet the teacher gave him (it was very colourful and busy with no clear instructions on it, fine for most 8 yr olds, not fine for him) and the teacher didn't even notice he was under the beanbag for 40 minutes, the SENCO found him purely by chance when she popped into the classroom for something! It is all very sad and I wish things were better. In many ways the school is a very good school for him, but the shortcomings are with some of the members of staff, his large class size of 32 and the fact that there are so many challenging boys in his class that the teacher is mostly just crowd controlling a lot of the time.

Please always try to keep one thing in mind - I know it is difficult to do believe me.

Anger (as exhibited by shouting) is rarely anger as you or I (ie NTs) might express it. For someone with AS anger is the first and 'easiest' emotion that they may resort to when they are actually: upset, confused, anxious etc etc. Anger is actually a release for those other feelings.

With my DD I always try to (internally) remind myself that she is actually upset (rather than angry). I will immediately try to diffuse the situation usually by walking away or at least by not allowing myself to get dragged into a confrontation - that will only escalate things. It might seem like an easy option - believe me it is not - every instinct of me says to stand my ground and 'argue it out. This does not work.

Far better to withdraw and to ask yourself:

i) what caused the upset, confusion, anxiety
ii) what can be done to avoid that situation in future

To some (usually those who do not have a child with AS) it may appear that I am 'letting things go' or 'taking the easy option'. I can't allow myself to be concerned about their opinions.

It is never going to be easy and from experience I am sorry to tell you that it is likely to get worse as your DS gets older.

Good luck

Thank you Duckster for pointing that out, I need to remind myself of that point about anger a lot. I know shouting back would only make things a lot worse, and luckily I am not a shouty person anyway so it's very rare for me to shout. When he was little the best way to calm him down was to just hug him really tight, and although I still have some success with this it is not as effective any more.

I like the idea of a punchbag that he knows is for him to use to difuse his anger. We have a pull up bar that he does go to and hang off whn he is frustrated or upset and exhibiting signs of stress or anger.

He himself refers to his 'angry' emotions as 'stressed' saying he feels 'stressed'. He often comes out of school saying it was 'stressful', or when I ask him why he behaved in a certain way he says "because I was stressed" or something was "stressful".

What I have come to realise is that almost everything causes DD stress. Things that I wouldn't give a second thought to can be stressful for her.

It is only when I realised how stressful just 'living day-to-day' is for someone with AS that I began to realise how truly difficult life is for her. I know that the world will not generally make allowances for her but I have come to the conclusion I can and will do.

DD insists she likes to be hugged but she would never intiate a hug and never seems comfortable on the occasions I do hug her.

hello just joined mums net our daughter is asd asperger aged 6 found there was no help around so mums in boston area have started support group coffee morning we are 3 months old and its nice just to have a chat and get ideas pec cards,timers as she wont wait but my best and cheapest is blue tack shaped into handles for the clock glass and set it 10 mins after the time this works so well in the morning we me and my wife are having a drink if it is 8am we set the blue tack to 08.10am when the big gets to the blue tack we have had our drink and its time to do breakfast

our support group
e-mail [email protected] we will send you a flyer

google 123 magic