I am drowning in my life

[SparkleRainbow]

How did I end up here? I acknowledge this is a cry for help, but it is like an out of body experience I can be rational enough to see where I am and why, but still feel the same. I am wiped out emotionally, physically, spiritually, there is literally nothing left, and I guess you would say that is not surprising but still where do I go from here. I will get up tomorrow because I have to, I will keep fighting becauise I have to, because this is what life is.

and I know there are people with so much more to cope with than me, most of whom I have "met" through here, and I am ashamed at having to admit that I am steamrollered here, in the presence of such amazing women.

sparkle, sorry to hear things are tough right now. You have nothing to be ashamed of, we all have times that are rough and need a bit of support, none of us is a superwoman

I am just a failure at everything, wife mother friend. I don't know how to do it right any more. You guys are all superwoman to me

oh my cry on my shoulder im sure all the ladies on SN feel like this but it doesnt help knowing that does it some days you just feel useless and want to cry i found myself the other day crying and couldnt stop saying i want my mum (she died 4 years ago now) but sometimes its all so overwhelming you feel your melting into nothingness i guess we doo what you just said carry on and keep striving even though st times it feels like a waste like its all pointless look at your dc tonight sparkle go in their bedroom while there sleeping im going to , to remind me why were doing this shite day in day out taking abuse off other parents the services the so called proffeshionals and look at your dc hopefully slumbering looking like an angel and you will feel better. pat yourself on the back daily for putting up with all the crap and know your a fantastic mother and your just as bloody amazing as any of us (((hugs)))

Have you been to see your GP - can they help with support groups or something?

Sorry to hear that you are feeling low and most of us have felt the same at some point - you are not alone x

im all tearful now but a cry really helps and a cuppa/wine an choc

Sparkle sorry you are feeling so low at the moment. I hope somebody will come along soon and offer some more comforting words/advice than myself. I am going through a bad phase at the moment but like you say, rational enough to see what state I am in.

I imagine you are totally drained because you are a fantastic parent trying to do all you can to support your DCs and your family. So do not be ashamed to admit that you are totally wiped out by all this.

Do you need to talk to a doctor? Sorry, I don't know if you have already done this or you already have some support.

haven't told anyone how I really feel, just pretend most of the time, smoke and mirrors. I love my dc so much, I do go in and watch them while thye sleep too,

I think you should see your GP and tell them -it's ok to ask for help.

sparkle you're doing fine, honestly we all have times we don't cope so well, do consider seeing your gp if you think it will help.

I am so tired of the fight, feeling like I have reached the point of fighting to breathe each breath. Have to keep going cos no-one else will do it.......

Don't know how to talk to people anymore, others lifes are either so removed from my reality that we have no common ground, or I see others coping with the most difficult things and somehow keeping it together.

I am falling apart

its a bit like were in limbo waiting all the time isnt it , its how i felt still feel like grieving for my mum, I feel like im still grieving.... not for DS anymore as we do when we first learn of their disability, but for the whole family we just want everything to not be such a big fight and be a bit easier for a change, to be like other mums able to actually enjoy motherhood and be able to do simple things without the drugery and just be happy really is that too much to ask for (sigh)

Just write down how you feel - you describe it so well in words here and give it to your GP x

The gap between me and friends and family is getting wider every day, the fears for the future. I honestly can not talk anymore, stupid things come out of my mouth, I feel alone, but almost crave it too, as I don't want to be hurt by comments, looks, being dismissed in case disability is catching, or ignored by la, schools, teachers, doctors because they can't solve it so they don't care.

I could at least write it down for me.

thats a good idea sparkle maybe in writting it down it will be theraputic and reading it back later you can make more sense of whats going on, also remember when we feel so bad we make it worse in our minds I feel scared too sometimes then I think hang on im a bloody grown up too who are these people(sounding and seeing that girl on big brother in my head now) what right do they have im not supposed to be afraid of them what they willl say what they think my opinions are as valid/important , more so because i know my DS better than anyone and lately ive been thinking im getting cocky now ill just tell them dont mess with my DS or ill see you in court the TRIB is the least of your worrys if anything happens to my DS ill have you hung drawn and quatered ..... bit jack sparrowish that lol

I have had to threaten la with nearly exactly those words.....if something happens to ds directly as a result of you not meeting your statutory duty yours will be the first phone number my solicitor will call.....they looked frightened but fat lot of good any of it has actually done ds.

I want to scream at them all I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS FOR DS and NEITHER DID HE!

cos that is life, my dad would have said it is character building!! Well dad I have enough character now, I am "OD"ed on character. I miss my dad what I would give to have a hug from my dad

sparklerainbow, try to take some time out, do something for you, I know that's easier said than done but we can't be all things to all people all of the time. Remember that having to fight is not about you, it's about the systems and people working within them that puts you into this position.

I hope things feel better soon and maybe the Gp could help or maybe a support group?

it is a nice idea to take time out, but I can't, even when ds is at school I have to be on call for him, we never know when a medical emergency will strike, always in close proximity to where ever he is. You are right about the systems causing the battles, I wish the people I thought were my friends could see that......I have tried to keep up things like toddler groups and tea with freinds, but I must just mess it up, my little family just doesn't conform I guess, I think we are all right but then the comments, the looks, the normal life that ohers have which will never be for us. I am envious of their enjoyment of life, I am happy for them that their troubles are few, but never have I felt so alone as when surrounded by those discussing the future, their jobs, their holidays. I have to just pull away from everyone, I can't take the rejection anymore, on ds' part or on my own.

Sparkle I'm so sorry you have such a lot to contend with, do any of your friends have children with additional needs? Are there any local groups where you could meet mums who do have disabled children, perhaps they would be able to understand in a way that your other friends can't? I know when you are feeling low meeting new people may be the last thing you want to do but is it worth a try?

God that reads like I say horrid things, I don't, or I don't think I do. But it is comments like "When will you go back to work?" "I can't becuase of ds" Followed by silence, foot shuffling and back turning like I am some plague victim. A relative announced to me that she didn't care if ds died, as at least I had been able to have children, yeah she is right, I have, I gave him a genetic condition which causes him great pain and threatens his life, and I am grateful everyday for his prescence in my life, and thankful every minute he is here for the precious chance I have to love him,, but it is still hard to get up every morning.

No friends with children with additional needs, I live in a pretty small rural community. There was an autistic boy in my dd1's class, but he got drummed out of the school and the community by other parents pressurising the school, and austrocising (sp?) the family. I tried to stop that happening too, but failed

sorry getting rude now BOLLOX to conforming ,,,, my ds said this too me when he was sent home one day from school early , "mummy" he was 10 at the time, "there hyocrites arnt they they keep telling everyone in assembley were all special and its ok being different but they lied didnt they", i cant tell you how much i agree with him out of the mouths of babes and i cried my eyes out that night when he went to sleep im envious too of how much FUN everyone else seems to have when we cant even do a simple shopping trip or go to the park without some event or other occuring but im getting tougher and you need to too , if they say anything and stare or tut , stare and tut back and give them a mouthfull youve nothing to be ashamed of, shame on all these judgemental people there the ones who should be ashamed and there but for the grace of god go i we should remind them , yes of course other parents and other DCs are worse off than ours my DS has been self harming and thats terrifying to go through to hear your DS say id rather be dead at 9/10 yo it made me feel even more of a bad mother and terrible wife what mother ever expects to hear her child say that or try to do the things he does but low and behold he may not like school that much still but hes now at SS and is getting better so what you need is help sparkle and when your DC gets it things will get better gradually but they will improve and keep shouting as its the ones who shout the most get noticed (i got fed up with all the rubbish and wrote to local mps both parties , councilors and the education minister and i recieved replies 3 weeks later but so did the LA they soon moved their arses then, the LA met with me and said at the end of the meeting "oh yes i nearly forgot to mention , we have your complaint from the education minister, just thought id let you know) so it must of helped anyways worth a go what harm can it do (((hugs)))

Have done that too, MPs and opposition, XCO of LA, Councillors, Head of child services, staged a sit in at the council, threatened them with the press. MP has been good, LA still not resolved anything, no apologies. Have complained to pct formally too, got no answers there either, no-one to deliver care needed, cos they can't find anyone with the skills. You are right about people, your ds has it so right......I have used everything up gfighting though, so the tuts and the stares from epeople who I thught were friends, with whom I shared my fears and frustrations, those hurt so deeply, and my esteem is so low I can not shake it off. I am just pathetic, sorry

Have to go and splash water on my face, and put that mask back on, so I can face the playground and get ds and dd1

I am so sorry