Feeling overwhelmed - please help

[LifeHope11]

I am hoping some of you can offer advice re the following:

I have a child with severe learning difficulties who is wheelchair bound, and has recently been diagnosed with serious bone deformities which require major surgery. This is due to take place later this summer and will require a couple of weeks in hospital and up to a year of rehabilitation.

In the meantime I was recently made redundant; the redundancy process was traumatic and I was an employee representative. I have been unable to get another job despite trying for months. I have recently achieved a professional qualification which I have been studying for over the past few years; this seems to have led to more interviews but no job as yet.

I am beginning to despair of finding a suitable job and the financial difficulties this will lead to. At the end of the day I have to work to make ends meet: but is it wrong/selfish to want to have a fulfilling professional life along with caring for my child? I am finding it harder to project confidence in interviews, making it even less likely I will get the jobs. I am also worried about the logistics of combining a new job (should I get one) with the extra care, hospital visits etc which will be required for my child.

My husband's mother has recently been diagnosed with dementia. She is heavily dependent on my husband for everything as there is no other family resident in the UK, and he is getting severely stressed and his health is suffering. I also truly don't know how we are going to handle this during my child's surgery.

Can anyone advise any coping strategies for dealing with all of this? I appreciate that my circumstances are probably unique, but maybe someone has experienced multiple difficulties of this kind and can recommend measures/plans of action which will be helpful to me. At the moment I do not see a way through, I can feel myself sinking lower every day & am already on antidepressants. For the sake of my family I have to stay on top of this.

I am so sorry, you have too much on your plate and I am not surprised you are low, it is a combination of hard things. We too have been through the redundancy thing recently and that uncertainty undermines an already difficukt situation. Are you eligible for any benefits while you look for a job? I have no wise words except - sleep on it, things always look worse at night. And then take one step at a time, perhaps try and exercise and eat right just for you, and hit the job search sites when u feel stronger. None of that probably helps, but just wanted to let u know u are not alone.

I am so sorry, you have too much on your plate and I am not surprised you are low, it is a combination of hard things. We too have been through the redundancy thing recently and that uncertainty undermines an already difficukt situation. Are you eligible for any benefits while you look for a job? I have no wise words except - sleep on it, things always look worse at night. And then take one step at a time, perhaps try and exercise and eat right just for you, and hit the job search sites when u feel stronger. None of that probably helps, but just wanted to let u know u are not alone.

Oh, that's such a lot at once. Do you have DLA at high or middle rate care, I expect you do. If you aren't working or earn under about £95 / week you can claim carer's allowance. It's about £50 / week, but is reduced if you receive other benefits. It's not means tested, though and it protects your NI contributions.

Sorry, it's only practical advice. Can you get counselling to help you through all the emotional upheaval? ((((hugs)))) I'm sorry I can't offer more but hopefully others will.

i know it sounds difficult, but i would take small steps, i have a brain tumour and am the main carer for my ds who has dx of asd, which has been a long battle with school and lea. you are making yourself ill and this will not only impact on your own health and quality of life but also affect your ability to be there for your child. a lot of charities exist that offer financial support, the family fund and also direct payments which are available through the local authority.

you are an extraordinary mum, please don't be so hard on yourself there is nothing wrong with having aspirations.

I was a nurse for 21 years and a Sister for the last 10. I have now stopped work. I have Carer's Allowance but, my son's DLA/Mobility payments go into a separate account so that I can't mix it up with household funds. It was a choice I made because frankly, I couldn't continue in a caring role at work whilst having so much going on with my ds, at home.

You need the income, I know but, you also MUST take care of your health, physical and emotional. You have so much "on"....I'm concerned for you. Do check that you're getting all the financial assistance you're entitled to. Could you take some (a short period) of unpaid leave in order to get you through the surgery period? Or, maybe work part time? It would mean a cut in salary but, if YOU burn out, where does that leave everyone else?

Do take care of yourself. x

Thank you all so much for all your support and good advice.

You are right that I need to make it a priority to take care of my well being. I think counselling is also a good idea. Previously I have resisted it as I felt that I was basically OK...it is my life that is a nightmare! Counselling, I felt, was for those who need to adjust their approach to life, and was ineffectual for situations where one's external circumstances are what need changing. But perhaps, my circumstances being what they are, I need some help to ensure I am dealing with them as effectively as possible.

I have been trying and trying to get a job and most interviews go well but there is always another candidate who is better. There is only so much rejection that a person can take before it starts to destroy their soul. Taking a break from work is a good one though of course I am scared that it will be even more difficult to get back into the job market afterwards.

I know something needs to change and soon. I have a temporary job now but just broke down this morning when I arrived there. Luckily, everyone was understanding but I really need to keep this job. My husband got angry with me this morning as I was upset: 'It's not all about you, why does everything have to be about you?'. We are just under so much pressure that we take it out on each other.

And all the time, presiding over everything, the 'elephant in the room' of the impending op. It is so unfair: my child having to go through that. These things hurt us more than we even know.

Does anyone have experience of counselling as a way of coping with life's difficulties, and do you consider it is helpful in situations where problems are rooted in external circumstances? I suspect it may be helpful, but I want to find a way to deal proactively and effectively with my problems rather than endlessly examining how hard it all is!

Also: has anyone taken time out of work to deal with personal/family issues? What kind of problems did they experience with getting back into the workplace? Eventually I MUST find a job; taking a work break during the op may be helpful but I do not want to jeopardise further my chances of finding work in the longer term.

I wish my life were less hard. I put everything into it that I can, so much more than I am getting back at present; the same goes for my child who however loves life. I am finding it impossible to care for myself the way I should.

Don't know much about counselling or benefits but glad you have a temp job (in fact so do I - and I love it that way now). Used to feel very stressed and pressured when perm, but found a happy balance and also found a few like minded people in the same work situation and have to say we all feel that we have better quality of life. Temp jobs can be great and there are more of them around nowadays, so I would certainly consider that over full time perm to keep on top of things and not let work down.

But I also found that crises seem to come more frequently as my ds got older and there is more need now to be a carer both to my ds and to other family members, I think life can be like that so might as well adapt the best you can. I'd say, stick to perm for now..
Also, for many years I had been bouncing along the rock bottom and have been known to cry in private over my family situation but when really down I use homeopatic ignatia which works for me and I only take it now at really extreme situations when tears start welling up.

I meant stick to temp

lifehope, yes, of course. lots of people are basically ok but life deals them a shit hand and they need to talk it through with a counsellor.

i managed 5/6 years after dd2's birth before i started to unravel a little. i was a serial coper. deal with whatever life throws etc etc. (dh got blown up and brain injury - had to have brain surgery - 20% chance of survival. 3rd dc birth hypoxia and cerebral palsy. mother with breast cancer. and apparently a thesis to write and a f/t job to hold down, and an overseas move which was being challenged due to dd2's disability)

i avoided counselling like the very plague. but actually, in the end, it was quite therapeutic to give myself permission to 'not' cope for an hour a week.

it sort of took me off 'simmer' and down to a more manageable level of stress. and it let me rethink a little why everything was down to me. which of course, it wasn't. so i was able to reach out a little more and let others shoulder some of the (my) burden. just a little, mind. i still insist on keeping most of it to myslef. but i know i don't have to, these days.

Thank you so much for all your messages of support, they mean a lot. I will be arranging an appointment with my (female) GP shortly, if counselling is recommended I will give it a try. I know I need to find strategies for handling these things; my sister suggested writing about it and trying to get it published, but I think nobody would believe it, they would think I was exaggerating! When I can assure you it is all true and if anything I am understating my situation.

I really appreciate so many of you sharing your own circumstances and the problems you have faced and are facing, it helps me know that I am not alone. Life does go on and many issues resolve themselves although others never go away. I really identify with the feeling that I have to somehow cope with whatever problems life throws at me; I even find myself taking a perverse pride in doing so long past the time when I should have asked for - demanded - help and support.

I don't think that some social attitudes which I have encountered regarding the parents of special needs children are helpful here. I think there is a commonly held belief that these parents are wonderful, self sacrificing, happy to devote their lives to their children's needs and, unlike 'normal' parents, not requiring lives of their own. If we are, it lets everyone else off the hook doesn't it?

I come across media stories in which I sense this attitude at play: eg I am thinking of reports on such individuals who have given up jobs, houses etc for the sake of their children. Am I over-sensitive or has anyone else come across this? I adore my child, but I am not the self sacrificing kind unfortunately, I never was.

I think it is a human need to have a modicum of fulfilment and happiness from life. At the moment I feel that I have so much to give to life but it is saying to me: 'I don't want much from you. Your drudgery, anger, misery and fear; I'll take those. Don't try to give me anything else because I have no use for it'.

This is all about me. I can assure you that generally I am focused on my child. I love and genuinely admire my child who is ridiculously happy and loves his life despite the s**t it so often gives him in return.

tis why we spend a lot of time on the sn board with parents of newly dx children saying 'don't forget about you'. it's exhausting, without all the other complicating factors.

good luck with the gp. we're all human, even sn mums.

and all that 'i couldn't do what you do' bollocks. i mean, really, yes, you could. it isn't a choice. you just get on with it. i'm not a bleeding saint.

deep breath and a cup of tea. x