have i done the right thing ?

[cheeryface]

ds2 (12) has been having problems. we have had an initial appointment at camhs where we were then referred to their asd team but told appointment would be 9-12 months.

when things got worse a couple of months later i phoned camhs telling them that we couldnt wait that long and they gave us an appointment with a social worker (for people with autism she said)

after talking to the social worker she said she would visit ds2 at home to try and help him deal with his anger and arrange for him to see the psychologist which would be 6-8 weeks.

last week i felt i couldnt take anymore of ds2 and phoned to ask them to please take his threats of suicide into account and get him to the psychologist sooner.

social worker said she would come and visit on Thursday and talk to us both and see what could be done.

i am now feeling a bit worried about this. i mean , a social worker ? ive heard scary tales of social workers ! i feel like shes going to be weighing me up and looking at my house etc. too clean ? not clean enough ?

please tell me i have nothing to worry about here ! what is she likely to do ?

You feel your child needs extra help, you have done everything you can to get him that help. That means you have done the right thing.

I know that tales of social workers whisking kids away after a request for help are terrifying, but they are also incredibly rare and often involve other issues as well as the needs that the parent is struggling with IYSWIM so please try not to worry on that front.

For tidiness, I would say leave the house as it usually is, unless it is a proper Kim and Aggy jobbie, in which case you might want to run a Hoover round and break out the White wine vinegar if it is a bit untidy, so what? By all means apologise to the Social Worker for the mess and explain that with DS2's needs, you don't have time to Anthea Turner the place up as much as you would like. A social worker worth their degree will understand that a bit of clutter is inevitable with any kids, more so with SN ones and will be looking at how your DSs needs affect the whole family, not just him.

What will hopefully happen is that the SW will look at what help you need for your DS and may be able to suggest some stop gap ideas until the referrals come through, or may be able to put a rush on the referrals if they think your circumstances warrant it. The best thing you can do to help is to be as honest as you can about your situation and how it affects you, detailing events that you think are pertinent and also listing any coping strategies you use. Write a list if it helps. I find it calms me a little as it gives me something to focus on and stops me feeling quite so helpless as at least I am doing something rather than just over thinking and worrying about what ifs.

Can you have someone with you on Thursday when the SW is due? A friend or relative who can help you feel more comfortable and also prompt you if you start feeling overwhelmed by it all?

its very sad that your ds is being referred at such a late age, you must have gone through hell!! have only just got the asd dx for MY ds (8) yesterday morning. i don't know whether your family has recieved help through a parental support group, if not then explain the pressure and isolation that has resulted from so called 'professionals' failing to intervene and support your child. just ask her for info on local asd support groups and don't worry i'm sure they'll understand. unfortunately there are a lot of overstressed and highly anxious parents of children with asd

you don't need to fear social services unless you have a very small child.
If your child is threatening suicide I guess they're not that small.

They'll try and help you, don't worry

aged 12 is not an adoptable age, They won't be in a rush to steal him =)

You aren't trying to hide anything, you are asking for help. I understand why you are worrying. I've been in the position recently of wanting to ignore CAMHS advice but not daring to because I could be criticised.

Of course she'll be looking at the house and making judgements and if it's a serious health hazard, there are alcohol bottles stacked up in every corner or it's so perfect that your DS doesn't dare sit down on a chair she'd conclude that the was something to worry about. I'm guessing that what she'll see will be a perfectly normal home and will have no concerns at all.

Her job is to support you so try to relax and allow her to do it. People don't become social workers so that they can remove children from their families. The rotten apples are very few and far between.

It will be fine. I just hope she can help you find a way to support your DS through his distress.

Is this going to be the first time your DS has been referred to CAMH?

It could just be your LA's way of being able to fast-track your DS to the appropriate CAMH service.

Perhaps the SW will make judgements about your house, but I'm sure this won't be their primary concern.

We went through something similar last year with truancy/self-harm/aggression but because DS had been under the EP, I was able to phone him for advice, he did a home visit. I didn't feel it was my home under scrutiny,though I did clean before he came but the underlying educational issues which had contributed to the negative behaviour. It's doubtful I would have had this visit if we hadn't been already seeing the EP.

I would try not to worry too much, you need help for you and your son. Just presume it is the normal way they work

I felt very much the same when I had to have social workers in my house to apply for direct payments.First one seemed to think I was coping because my house WAS tidy.

Having a child with a disability sometimes forces you into a world of social care to get help.( a disabled child is classed as a 'child in need ' whether you are rich or poor !)The one we saw recently was brilliant-got us the help we needed and signed us off her books.Yes the process of a core assessment can feel intrusive,but in the end it is for the benefit of the whole family.

I think in your case,if a child is threatening suicide , she is going to be looking at ways to help him and you.

I only recently discovered that if you roll up to A&E with a sucidal kid by law Cahms HAVE too see the child, no waiting list. Worth considering as 12 year old bent on self harm needs urgent attention

thankyou everyone. what i really want is a psychologist to just tell me what the hell is wrong ! I dont feel that a social worker or anyone else is going to be able to help until then as we dont know what is the root of the problem.
it is now nearly 9 months since i went to the g.p about ds2 and his talk of suicide.

Both my girls have been assessed for and diagnosed with AS and there was a point in both processes when they questioned me about my parenting skills and our home life. They have to do this in order to weed out problems caused by poor parenting so I completely understood but it didn't feel very nice. Could it be that this is the remit of the social worker?