10 yr old dd socially isolated - please help me with letter to school

[whatkatydidathome]

I'm thinking of sending this to dds teacher - what do you think? We have discussed all the individual issues but school say all is fine.

We are becoming increasingly concerned about dd and are writing to request your assurance that all is well.
To summarise to date:
dd was supported by the provision of a social skills support group group in her first school.
We met with [senco] and [educational psychologist] on date before dd started in September. She also saw pead on date who recommended ongoing social skills support in school.
Since dd started school we have had the following concerns.

1. Her ?buddy? appeared to be exhibiting her to other children and said that she did not want her.
2. She was failing to manage to bring her homework/letters home
3. She had money taken from her by 2 other pupils.
4. She is having on-going and continual problems with no one wanting to sit by her on the bus and several pupils teasing and baiting her on the bus.
5. She spends most of her unstructured time alone reading
6. Despite appearing bright she still cannot tell the time.
7. She was sexually harassed by a group of boys on the bus.
8. She is having to put up with continual and on-going teasing about her lunch.
9. Children are now starting to make negative comments to dd about her family.
10. She still appears to have no friends. dd has always read obsessively. The situation appears to be worsening as dd is now carrying two books around with her everywhere rather than one. She is not saying that she is unhappy at school but talks daily of being teased, poked, prodded or goaded either at lunch time or on the bus. She has now stopped eating her lunch time sandwiches saying that she feels sick every time she eats any carbohydrates and has asked if I can take her to a doctor. As this only happens at school (she is happy eating chips at home) it has occurred to us that the constant teasing and social isolation may be getting to her on some level. We are managing the symptoms of this by encouraging her to join any lunchtime clubs, go swimming (although this does appear to just result in her having to get changed onto to discover that the pool is full) and by providing her with an ipod to listen to on the bus. However we are concerned about whether this level of teasing, baiting and in a few cases outright bullying/harassment, along with the complete lack of friends, is normal in a 10 year old. Please could you reassure us that the school are happy with the situation and are happy that dd?s social skills are developing well and that she is mixing with other children in the way that is expected of a normal preteen.

you really need to change the emphasis - the last thing you want is school to fob you off with a false assurance that dd is doing ok socially! Would change it to saying she's complained of bullying at school, and refer to their bullying/SN policies and asking school to give her more support and deal with the bullying. I would also group concerns together with bullying/sexual harassment at top, and organisational worries lower down

good point about grouping (I had them in chronological order).

I haven't mentioned bullying as the school keep saying that because dd says that she can cope then it is not bullying. They keep saying that she is capable of coming out with witty put downs (which may be partly why they do it) and also that she is happy sittign on her own in a corner reading. What I want addressed is her lack of ability to make friends rather than the other children's taunting as the reason for the taunting does appear to lie with dd (for being odd).

school are fobbing you off - social exclusion (her not having friends) is a v insidious form of bullying ime.

If you get a response offering the reassurance you ask for will you be satisfied? I'm not sure I would. I think you should say you would like to raise some concerns and would like to know their suggestions as to how they can be addressed.

I would probably try to make it a little more concise. Eg. I would say you have concerns that the teasing is making it difficult fro her to eat at lunchtime and is having a profound effect on her self-esteem.

"paediatrician", not "pead"

I agree with TotalChaos - you don't want reassurance, you want action to be taken to ensure that the behaviour of the other children towards dd is stopped.

I agree that you need to ask for copies of/quote their bullying and SN policies and state that you feel that the school is letting dd down by not invoking their own procedures.

but what if it is because the child is odd? dd is (?Aspie) - refers to other children as "you kids" etc, is currently obsessed with cloning - can see why the other children do not want to play with her tbh but in her old school she had some support (only about half an hour a week - someone talked to her with a small group of self selected peers about her interactions with them and what had annoyed them about her, her about them etc and then she'd practice "gettign on with them" over the next week - all could go to named teacher if (when :) ) it allwent wrong). This worked really well but new school will not do anything.

the school can't force the other kids to all want to be your DD's best mate but school should be encouraging them to treat her with respect, and try and engineer social support like they did in primary. don't let your DD's "oddness" be seen as the sole cause of unpleasantness, and let her be seen as the problem in this scenario, however "odd" her social skills may be, school should be encouraging kinder behaviour.

Her social development is just as much a part of the curriculum as her academic development and therefore the school has a responsibility to support her in it. She needs to be taught how to interact with her peers and her peers need to be taught that they must treat her with respect. If she cannot cope with long periods of unstructured social interaction the school should be making arrangements for her to be in a more appropriate environment, whatever that might be.
You should definitely make it clear that you feel she is not being sufficiently supported and you are concerned about the affect this is having on her well-being.

So should I go as far as saying that we think that this constitutes bullying? The school has a restorative justice policy where they get the agressor and the victum to sit down adn talk about it and I'm afraid that this could make it worse.

Has your daughter been assessed recently?

Sounds to me like the school is advocating the way these other children are treating your DD, breeding a new generation of future adults who have little to no understanding of those with additional needs who may sometimes be a little quirky in their ways.
I agree that you can't force children into friendships, but we can all contribute towards raising a more tolerant society going forward.

I would suggest that you approach the school with a no nonsense attitude and be clear that you won't be fobbed off. However you look at it she is being bullied and as OP said teaching social skills is just as important as academic studies.

Sorry if thats a bit garbled, very tired tonight!

not since last year - the ed psyc said ?Asp but two peads (we asked for a second opinion) both said that her behaviour wasn't repetative enough and her obsessions changed and that she "would not benefit from a diagnosis". From what I have read (a lot) she shows signs of "HF girl aspergers" but it is hard to get a hf girl dxed. I guess that what I would like is for the ed psyc to see her again in school again and see what she now thinks. I am afraid that she will end up depressed and/or anorexic at the moment. She does not show emotion much, if at all - says things like "it is very humiliating when your teacher tells you not to say "alright" so much in front of the whole class and then they all laugh every time you do when you read things out" but matter of factly - so I don't know if she really does feel humiliated. She talks similarly about her sense of self worth adn self esteme but again with no emotion so the teacher just keeps saying that she is clearly "feelin gfine about it all".

It may be worthwhile to ask paed for ADOS, my 8yr ds has similar difficulties, language and social communication, no obvious repetitive behaviours. He is isolated in school and is frequently referred to as 'wierdo'. An ADOS done last wednesday confirmed he has an asd as i have also suspected. children need only to meet two out of the three areas of the triad for diagnosis. Now that he has an official diagnosis schools attitude to social skills training has changed. ask for information on strategies within the letter and how they aim to implement them. circle time and pyramid club are commonly used within school.