3yo bit crazy - really worried

[inandouttheeagle]

Do you recogise any of the following in your children? Things I'm worried about in ds 3yrs

slightly late with all milestones, but passed all checks

late talker

cautious and watchful - not a bad thing but often get comments about this

started rejecting me viciously at about 18months. this was the first thing I saw health professional about. was told not to worry. is getting a lot better but can still be hysterical about getting the 'right' parent to do stuff

indecisive. wants this then doesn't want it, not just being awkward, genuinely conflicted. this is currently our main problem

not a good eater, seems genuinely disgusted by a lot of stuff. getting better

refuses a lot of clothes. getting a lot better.

gets stuck on ideas which are not clear to other people. especially toileting, going for a walk, food

rages. not every day but has in the past bitten himself, banged head against wall till teeth punctured lip etc.

sometimes difficult to comfort, but not always.

dark circles under eyes but gets plenty of sleep

won't watch TV alone, sometimes won't go down stairs alone

sometimes impulsively violent to older sister

overwhelmed by some social or noisy situations - dumbstruck

err, probably others but that's all I can think of at the moment. God, it looks really bad when I write it all down. There are plenty of good times and good things too, but although some of the things are getting better we know for complicated genetic reasons that he is at risk of OCD. there is a strong family history, amongst other things. Adult form of OCD is really disabling so very worried.

He is OK with things on his hands currently thank god, and has no obvious rituals.

Do you recognise any of these things in your child?? Please help/share your experiences. I think a lot of these neuro things are related and I relate to a lot of the posts on here. Am getting very little from any health professionals currently.

TIA

Hi inandout. You're clearly worried but say you're getting very little help from health professionals. Perhaps if you post what stage you're at someone can advise on how to move things forward.

Your DS sounds awfully like my DD2 who has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. She has the same problem with being indecisive and, as we've worked out the root of it, perhaps to share it will help you.

DD2 does not like to lose or waste anything. She can never throw things away or pass them on to other children. She just finds it impossible to let things go. She take it to an unreasonable level with food (eats til she gags rather than leaves food) rubbish (picks it up all of the time and fills her pockets).

Making choices to her means discarding the option she has not chosen. That includes things which are not concrete like playing with something or going somewhere. She knows that if she takes one option the other is lost forever and that terrifies her.

I think it is an element of needing to be in control because the world feels very out of control to her. She is very anxious about a lot of things and the higher her anxiety the more controlling she needs to be. It is a result of fear but it looks like bad behaviour.

I have found it easier not to give her too many choices but to just tell her clearly and calmly what is going to happen. That doesn't sound like good parenting but it reduces her anxiety as she doesn't feel responsible for making the decisions.

I wonder if changing your parenting style a little to reduce the number of choices your DS has and giving him less responsibility for his life might allow him to relax a little.

"Making choices to her means discarding the option she has not chosen. That includes things which are not concrete like playing with something or going somewhere. She knows that if she takes one option the other is lost forever and that terrifies her."

This is the most useful insight ever, thank you! recently DS has been saying to me, "you choose for me" when i ask him what cereal he wants etc. I've been giving him a lot of choices trying to avoid meltdowns because that seems to be the current fashion in parenting and it worked with first child, but I now see i might be making things worse. obviously if I make a choice for him when he is 'stuck' that results in crying but it is sometimes over quicker than letting it all drag out.

he is completely fine at nursey and always has been apart from once.

we've seen a GP, a Paed and a neurologist. They are all focused on a physical problem he has, a mild form of dystonia (don't want to be specific for privacy reasons, quite rare, just numbers). Causes muscle spasms, seems to be getting a lot better. the neurologist has sent us for genetic testing which we've not had yet. if he tests positive, which i'm sure he will, it may indicate a genetic fault which causes the dystonia (painless and non-degenerative, so it doesn't worry me that much) and is possibly, not proven, associated with anxiety and OCD. I'm sure he has inherited it from a grandparent and I must be the carrier (I'm NT, so there's hope!)

To be honest, I'm not sure what diagnosis we're facing, if we ever get one, I just want to mitigate agains the very real risk of him becoming seriously mentally ill later in life or even earlier.

he's sociable, empathetic and enjoys life - so he's probably below the radar for a statement or anything like that

what' i'm looking for is suggestions from other parents about how to cope and what parenting styles help

Im another one who is going to say he sounds alot like my Asperger's son, my son is high functioning so it's not noticeable most of the time, just general awkwardness. etc.

however we can't diagnose i'd see a doctor ASAP once you know what cause's his ways you can better tackle them.

DD2 is (or rather appears) fine at school. I know that this is due at least in part to her being unable to express her emotions away from home but I wonder if it could also be due to the nature of the routine in school and the limited number of choices they have. Shen she does have to make choices like choosing what words to write or what method to use to do a sum she becomes anxious and shuts down.

Having spent quite some time looking into co-morbid mental health problems I think the best way to mitigate against them is to avoid anxiety but that's just my opinion.

DD2 won't go into another room (even to the toilet) alone but I haven't found a good way to help her with this so I hope someone comes along soon with some good advice.

DS displayed a lot of the behaviour you describe (apart from anger/aggression) at 3, he had severe language delay. A lot has improved as his language improved. Is language still an issue for your lad. We also have strong family history of OCD and depression too btw. Agree with alison and other posters about there being anxiety behind dififculties making choices and apparent need to control.

In terms of mh stuff, think it's important for home to be a haven as far as possible from social pressures - but there is a balance, as with OCD type anxiety, sometimes it is far kinder in the long run to nip unreasonable behaviur in the bud. about the food - I'ld bugger what every man and his dog thinks about "fussy eaters" and introduce new foods gradually and in a relaxed manner, without sanctions for not trying it.

Thanks Lenin, Alison and Leila, yes I think anxiety is at the root of his problem.

Does anyone else notice the behaviour ebbing and flowing quite a bit, like there's a pattern to it?

DS is noticeably worse at weekends but there are other phases as well.

i am interested in ABA. I friend of mine uses it for her obviously-autistic-but doing-well son. As DS is not autistic so I had never considered it for us, but I think something structured like that might help, especially when he's young and seems fairly receptive. Is ABA appropriate for a non-autistic child? What happens if we have a session and DS is little angel (as seems the case much of the time in nursery etc)? Can we go privately? knowing the hoops my friend has to go through with the LEA to get ABA for her obviously autistic son I can't really imagine we'd qualify.

Although DD2 is very articulate she cannot usually recognise why she's kicking off.

We do get to recognise patterns like Sundays and the end of school holidays are difficult because of school looming.

Too much people time also is a clear trigger. She normally spends school lunchtimes and playtimes in the library reading but today she went out with the other children. As a result she kicked off on the way home and for the first 20 mins at home from stress.